Avoiding Childhood Sexual Abuse

As you know, I have taken time out from my blog to write a new book, which will probably be released as fiction, but is based (or inspired) on many non-fiction events. In the process of writing the book, I have decided I wanted to put this snippet of information in the cyber world, as it may immediately begin helping some people, children as well as adult survivors, based on my own experiences. It is an excerpt only, giving an easy to digest example of an abusive teacher in a school, shortened from the chapter I have written for the book. The article I have written is called, avoiding childhood sexual abuse (CSA):

When I was in Standard Five (Grade Seven), my class went on a school trip to Durban, to celebrate the end of our Primary School years. One afternoon a teacher, call him Mr Sam, took me aside and asked me to leave the door to my room unlocked that night. I suspect now that he was testing me in asking the question, and any hint of acquiescence might have been used as an opportunity to follow through on. I glanced quickly at him and then shyly looked down and I nodded. I did not leave the door unlocked that night, though I was restless in bed and pondering what to do, as my intuition told me to be careful. I sought him out the next day and then apologised as I told him I had forgotten. He gave a beaming wry smile in appreciation, not seeming to notice I might have been lying, though perhaps he could see my nervousness as well as my street smarts.

Sexual abuse sometimes happens by quiet testing of victims, gentle manipulation, withholding and giving of love, fanning an expectation of obedience by the victim to the perpetrator, and the creation of guilt and shame to keep quiet. Did he see though my hesitant apology, as if I had no hint of what could have happened? I wonder still what he thought at the time.

I remember helping Mr Sam earlier in the year to sort out books in the afternoon, which stopped when another male teacher walked in to the room and took him aside outside, and when Mr Sam returned, he said he could no longer let me help him after school hours. He had given me me a long claustrophobic hug earlier in the day, and I had felt quite uncomfortable. I do believe I escaped a potentially disastrous situation. The school announced he died from lung cancer a couple of years later, and I was relieved, as I never told anyone my experience with him, and what I thought he had tried.

I would be horrified today if I found out a teacher did anything abusive to my children! Teach your children to honour their own personal boundaries, and the value of saying “no”, and to remove themselves from dangerous situations. Help them to recognise potential danger signs, for example if they are receiving undue affection that pushes personal boundary limits and is out of place with a child. No child is ever to blame for abuse that happens. An adult should always know better! It’s like blaming a rape victim for her attack if she wears a short skirt – no, this is completely wrong! I believe perpetrators do seek children out who they will be able to control. Children who they know will keep quiet and keep secrets, and who will endure abuse that is like torture. I’ve heard many stories of people telling their personal sexual abuse survival stories, and I’ve sometimes wondered why what I experienced seems to be so different to these stories of seemingly more uncaring perpetrators, who would abuse even if the child was crying. The teacher I knew never forced a situation. He seemed to quietly test. But he would try again another time. He seemed friendly to everyone he knew, very likeable in fact, with a congenial laugh, and I am sure no-one suspected anything untoward from him. Children crave love from adults they look up to, like teachers. A child will not lead an adult into sexual behaviour, unless this has been learnt somewhere, for example if the child is groomed by a perpetrator that this is the only way to obtain his love, the only time he is interested in that child.

Time Out

If you don't see anything new on here for a bit, it's because I am taking a break from writing this blog for a while. Why? I am finally writing a book behind the scenes! This decision may change in coming days or weeks, but I hope not as I find I keep working on my blog instead of focusing on completing my books!

This made me wonder if new readers who find this blog will disappear without looking if they see an old date. But please don't go without browsing, as there is so much content on here! Have a look at the list of articles listed under Blog History down the right side of the blog (underneath the picture of the black swan). There is at least the content of two full books on here! My first book (see the tab called links to find my book) was compiled using the content of the first six months or so of articles on my blog. I plan to do the same with my second book and have already compiled a draft. I hope to find a publisher next and this may take some time!

There is value on this blog! The articles contain lots of my own opinions, but I also believe there are many solutions to be found on here.

I would appreciate it if you purchase a copy of my first book, as this is a nice structured way to see much of the content, but you are welcome to read the individual articles for free at any time.

Please spend time browsing!

Instead of Hate, Spread Love

Looking back I have realised that some of my last blog posts have perhaps seemed a bit dark and depressing. Why do I write this way? Perhaps it is because I believe that it is only by looking at reality and truth that we may see what does not work and we may then decide to instead put counter measures in place which are different from the norm. By understanding the dynamics that have lead to the status quo in lack of hope, we may decide instead to do the opposite of what is normally done, and this may lead to an unexpected renewal.

How can we positively impact the future if we constantly repeat patterns which lead to despair? Learn from these patterns of failure and ensure these are never repeated! Instead of hate, spread love. If someone who is used to emotional pain receives love instead, might this not catapult such a person into seeing that different possibilities exist? Instead of pain and anguish there may be hope. Instead of despair, there may be renewal. Instead of stagnation, there may be restoration. Change is possible in this lifetime.

There may be many people out there who hurt other people, but see them as individuals only. How often we judge groups on the actions of a few individuals! Yet, this does not mean that all people are like this. The media loves to jump on a story and highlight conflict, and sometimes the actions of a few individuals then paints an entire group into the same picture. Some of the people who hurt others may too have been on the receiving end of pain and fear to react as they do. There is normally an underlying reason for any unexpected action and for every action there is normally an expected reaction, yet by changing the automatic reaction and choosing to respond differently we may produce an unexpected counter action. If someone runs up to me and hits me, and I hit back, what will happen? A fight may quickly escalate out of control. But if I turn the other cheek as Jesus taught, or if I smile instead and am immovable, the fight cannot even begin. If someone snaps at me seemingly from nowhere and I ignore the raw hatred and don't take this personally, and if I try to see instead that the person's onslaught may be due to a hidden emotional wound and I display love instead, might that person perhaps change future reactions towards me? Oh, there is evil out there, I am not saying don't be on guard, but on the whole people react with hate towards others due to a variety of complex reasons, often in no way personal at all. Try to see beyond the surface behaviour to what lies beneath and treat people gently as you don't know the journey each person has walked.

If we react differently maybe we may see that a different paradigm is possible? As I wrote previously, hatred begets hatred. Might love and understanding  beget love? Let each of us suspend judgement of others and spread love as Jesus taught.

This song has been playing over and over in my head for some reason today, and it's a song of praise to God: Forever Reign, by Hillsong

What's the World's Temperature? The Frog That Doesn't Escape a Boiling Pot of Water

There is an old legend about a frog that remains sitting in a boiling pot of heated water until it dies even though it could easily escape at any time, as it was placed there when the water was cold and, though the temperature of the water slowly rises with more and more heat, it doesn't recognise the heating point at which it needs to leave. I thought this was a good analogy for the world we live in today, as I have heard many people speak of the coming tribulation (time of trouble), as if it is still at some far off point. Then I look around me and I wonder if we are already in tribulation. For example, I read an article today that said 260,000 people died in the famine in Somalia between 2010 and 2012. This figure surpassed the figure of 220,000 people who died during famine there in 1992. That is almost half a million people! In some areas of Somalia, this meant that an estimated 4.6% of the population died during the recent famine, which is shocking, especially considering the previous famine too, as well as the fact that many more people would have been seriously starving even though they did not reach the point of death. This is only one example of a country in famine, and other areas of Africa have been hit by famine too in the last few decades. Would these people say we are in tribulation? I am sure they would! I haven't researched the numbers, but look around at the world and what do you see? Many countries have immense shanty towns. Economies are not big enough to feed their burgeoning population of poor. The global financial crisis is not past and many countries are experiencing increasing financial troubles and deepening job woes. In a previous article I discussed tipping point, and how much of the problems around us may be unseen, spreading far and wide, before they surface (Tipping Point: What's Below the Iceberg?). Genocide of hundreds of thousands and even millions of people has occurred during the last century, as one thinks of the Jewish holocaust or genocide in Rwanda in 1994, and I have mentioned that South Africa is on Genocide Watch's list as a potential country of concern. Crime is spiralling out of control in many countries, and was a reason we left South Africa, and life is quickly forfeit to criminals there. There have been terrible wars the last century and hopefully we will be spared future wars. Vast tracts of tropical forests have been cleared for logging. Dead animals have been found by their thousands in rivers, perhaps in some cases a sign of ecosystems out of balance, and in others a sign of industrial poisoning. Many animal species that were once common are on the brink of extinction, a point of no return, for example, the African lion and the tiger. I would never have imagined that I would think a lion or a tiger would go extinct in my life time. This seems impossible, as these animals seem so well known and are icons, but as I wrote in blog article Caged But Not Tamed yet this very scenario may be happening.

How hot do we expect this boiling pot of the world to become before we say, we have reached tribulation? I hope it's not going to get worse because I see many problems in this world already! Let's each play our part so we can make positive changes to the world for the better and allow waves of hope to spread. And keep praying! I have seen God do some awesome work and I know He can turn tides.

Do You See What I See?: Repeating Patterns

I blogged recently (Outward Appearance Versus Ancestry in Determining Culture) about how in some cultures outward appearance seems to be the predominant factor in determining whether or not people are part of the group, and in other groups people may be accepted as part of the group on the basis of ancestry. What does this tell me? Well, if both of these means can be used to determine acceptance of individuals into a group, dependent on a group's culture and mindset, surely this shows that we can change mindsets and include all people as part a group without creating divisions into us and them mindsets? We can include people if they look like us, and we can include people who don't look like us, all we need is a reason to make the inclusion real. The main reason people exclude others is perhaps due to underlying fear of the threat the other people represent, and is so doing animosity spreads on both sides, as it is difficult to love those who openly hate and fear us, or even those who try to impose superiority over us.

As part of the article I mentioned the story of Sandra Laing, who was a coloured child born to white parents. It is a very sad story, especially as we hear her father effectively disowned her for running away with a black man and marrying him and having his children at the age of sixteen. You might probably put the reason for her father doing so purely down to racist motives. I am not so sure this is the case. Why, you ask? Well, my grandfather wrote in notes he left us that his own father disowned him, because he would not join the Freemasons, which apparently was expected in his family when a child turned a certain age. My grandfather said how could he join a group no-one would tell him about because it was secret! So he refused to join and his father never spoke to him again! That is how some fathers used to be in South Africa. It was not purely due to racist motives, it was cultural. In fact, as Sandra herself says, her father wanted her to marry a white man, so he wanted her to remain with the family, even though she looked non-white.

The end of the video, which I included as a link in the blog article, shows Sandra being comforted by non-white children at the school she used to attend. I notice that these children speak of the Afrikaans children, being white children. Many of their own families probably speak Afrikaans too as a home language, but perhaps they have decided not to learn the language and I seem to recall one of the children saying they prefer to be taught in English, and this language does not have negative associations. Afrikaans children: do you perhaps notice subtle us and them mindsets being displayed? Us and them mindsets on their own are perfectly fine, as people do categorise and we like to know who we are and how we belong. The problem really comes in when polarising occurs, and in the video I thought I heard one of the children say something to the effect of, never mind, we have the upper hand now. I thought, aha, as I jumped to my own assumptions, which were perhaps incorrect, I can see where this is going: the child is thinking, you whites controlled us during apartheid and now we will control you as we have the upper hand. Would anyone say this mindset is wrong? I see it as a natural result of apartheid, but, isn't it possible that the reverse can happen and whites will now be the target of racism and discrimination? Of course, especially as they are the minority! The country is said to be at stage six of white genocide by Genocide Watch, and stage seven is all out extermination! In Rwanda, a Tutsi minority used to run the government, then handed it over to democracy and the Hutu majority took over. Then in 1994, 100000 Tutsis were massacred in a genocide! A short while later the Tutsi minority took over government again! What if society had rather become inclusive when Hutus had come into power, wouldn't life in Rwanda have been much better for all! The only way to change and ensure the country does not go down the slippery slope of repeating patterns, is to change mindsets and to include everyone as part of one nation.

Sandra had a terrible life and experienced terrible trauma and I wish somehow her life could be lived over again. How different her life would have been if she had been born but thirty or forty years later.  Perhaps she might find some closure in knowing South Africa as a nation is very different now and her children will be fully accepted into society. I pray she finds healing.

Note: I used terms, white, coloured and black to denote different ethnic groups, as these are the terms used in South Africa to denote different types of people and are part of the Governments BEE classification system (unless this has been changed recently). I am told that in other countries some of these terms may seem offensive and please tell me if they are for you and what terms I should use instead. For example, I am not sure how to describe people if I cannot use these terms, as I cannot say Sandra ran away with an African man, as I am also African, yet I am white--I am certainly not European! (some of my ancestors were) I believe the names of continents and countries can no longer be used to identify people, like the word African, as the world is now a global village with many different types of people living in these countries--I certainly know from looking around South Africa, as well as Australia, that one cannot say what a person coming from these countries looks like before you meet them. In Australia there are people right across the colour spectrum, from Australia's own First People, the Aboriginal people, through to white people, through to people from China or India or Africa--it is becoming an increasingly varied, multiracial country, and this is the case with South Africa too, though the individual demographic numbers are different. People should be proud of the countries where they live in and be able to embrace all, for if they don't, division remains.

Outward Appearance Versus Ancestry in Determining Culture

I got the topic for this post totally by accident and I hope my thoughts on this do not seem too controversial. I apologise if anyone is offended and please tell me by commenting on this post if I am going wrong and I will make changes.

Yesterday I wrote a post in which I mentioned that someone was accorded honorary white status in South Africa during apartheid, I assume because she looked mostly white. This made me ponder the ramifications of outward appearance as opposed to ancestry in determining a person's culture, and how different countries have different cultural norms in effect. I wonder about the future dynamics of culture and where this will lead us. It strikes me that it is entirely possible that in future what you look like outwardly will no longer be important as to which cultural group you choose to belong to.

The funny thing about the culture in South Africa is that the outward appearance of a person is all important and is what really used to matter in determining whether one was white or not, especially during apartheid. I heard that residents of previously apartheid South Africa used to be given the so-called pencil test, to see if their hair was curly enough to hold a pencil, and other physical features were looked at to see if someone looked white or not. Sometimes people who were white were told they were not, even if they were part of the same family as others classified as white (as in the heart wrenching story of Sandra Laing!), because they had some features that were deemed to be non-white, like too curly hair! This is because many people tried to pass as white to fit in with largely white society, and these people were given privileges over others. In some other countries, for example, in Australia, I have heard that ancestry is used to determine one's ethnic status: if one has any Aboriginal ancestors then the children are considered Aboriginal, even if no-one can tell by outward appearance, but in South Africa if you look white then you are white, irrespective of any of your ancestry.

In South Africa there is a unique cultural group in South Africa, who are now called coloured, made up of people of previously mixed ethnic ancestry. Most coloured people who form part of this cultural group live in the Cape and speak Afrikaans as a first language, though of course not all of them. Many coloured people especially previously wanted to be classified as white, so they could get jobs reserved for white people during apartheid. Nowadays some of the same people who took white status may have decided to change their status back to coloured, so that they can get jobs now! But all of this is down to outward appearance alone. I have known two people who sounded like they were coloured (many coloured people have a distinct accent based on their cultural use of Afrikaans) yet who looked like white people, and one was married into a white family and the other married into a coloured family. It is personal choice as to which culture such a person chooses as their own! Much of this choice may be made due to outward appearance alone. How interesting that in South Africa during apartheid if authorities said you were white, then you were deemed to be accepted into society, otherwise you were not, irrespective of your ancestry. This shows how important it is for leaders to set good examples, as society adopts the framework set by leaders.

I hope to see a future world where we are free of norms bound by outward appearance and where someone is free to choose the cultural group to which the person feels he or she belongs best, irrespective of looks.  For me this translates into having a country made up of people where the culture of the country dominates as an inclusive society, irrespective of what each person looks like. If you live in Australia, then you are Australian, and if you live in South Africa then you are South African; you are all part of one people, irrespective of ethnic looks. You may of course choose to practise a specific culture personally, but I hope to see all people part of and embracing the culture of the country where they live. Let us not be divided based on outward appearance and have to worry about things like the pencil test, even if this is now done on paper only!

This is a video that contains a story of Sandra Laing: a coloured baby born to white Afrikaner parents in apartheid South Africa (ironically, many Afrikaners in South Africa have a percentage of non-white blood (I have Afrikaner ancestry too), but look white, and this probably explains where Sandra's looks came from): Video: Sandra Laing: A Spiritual Journey - South Africa

Grabbing Opportunity: Evonne Goolagong

Today I happened across a book called, The Evonne Goolagong Story. This looks interesting, I thought. I wonder what it's about? So I googled the woman's name, and discovered that Evonne Goolagong, who came from an Australian Aboriginal background, was a very successful player in the 1970s and 1980s and became the number one player in the world for a couple of weeks in April, 1976--a fact only discovered 31 years later! I used to watch tennis as a young girl, and I played the game a bit too, and I especially loved to watch Wimbledon, when players like Chris Evert and Martina Navratilova were battling for the crown. Yet I don't recall the name Evonne Goolagong. Perhaps she reached her peak a bit before my interest in watching tennis really started. I see Evonne played in South Africa in 1972, and was accorded honorary white status for her visit so she would avoid non-white discrimination. Yes, that made me cringe! Sounds like what used to happen in South Africa, though things are very different now!

What really intrigued me about this story is that Evonne might never have played tennis if someone had not kindled her interest in the game. A man called Bill Kurtzman saw her watching tennis when she was a young girl and encouraged her to try playing the game and the rest is history. If someone had not given her the opportunity, would Evonne ever have discovered her innate talent for tennis and sport?

I rejoice in her story as much as I can't help feeling a touch of sadness too, as there are many young children like Evonne out there, from widely varied backgrounds, both rich and poor, who might never know the real talent they possess unless they are given their own chance moment of discovery. It worries me that my own children might miss their real calling because I fail to spot their talent, or because I don't take them to try out something that might be their real calling and passion. If Evonne had not played tennis, what would her life have looked like? Probably very different! Maybe she would never have tried another sport, or maybe she would have excelled at something else.

I do believe God guides us along our path, but sometimes we miss what He is saying to us. Thinking back, I wonder too about the many opportunities I may have missed when I was a young girl, due to a variety of complex factors. Try not to overlook your own children's real passion. Sometimes the window of opportunity is small! Try to kindle passion. Try to see where their interest lies. They may never be number one in the world ever at anything, but make sure they are happy doing what they love to do!

I hope you are listening and watching out so you may spot talent others may be missing in those around you!

Underhanded Tactics (Part 6: Words Versus Actions)

Previous blog article: Underhanded Tactics (Part 5: Knowledge is Power)

Have you noticed how we pay a huge amount of attention to what is spoken? Even to what is written down in words. But are words truth or may they present a facade? For example, I once attended a church where, judging by people's actions, it seemed that I was not welcome as part of the volunteer team, yet I heard sermons a short while after that at the same church exhorting all individuals in the congregation to become fully part of the church family and to help out wherever possible in roles that suited each person's gifts. A possibility is that the pastors may not have been aware of the problems people faced in integrating into church life as volunteers, hence the open call for volunteers from the pulpit. Another possibility is that the actions which I felt were displayed towards me formed the true underlying culture of the church and that volunteers were selectively being chosen from open calls for people; perhaps the pastors were fully aware of this behaviour. Of course another possibility is that the difficulty I experienced volunteering was my perception only and perhaps I did not understand the cultural norms of the church. I would have only really known which of these options was true by testing the open call for volunteers when this was made, for example, by approaching a pastor if I was unsuccessful once more and by doing some further investigating. But then again, I thought to myself, did I really want to force my way into volunteering for a place where I was not totally welcome from the start? This would be an uphill battle! And if my difficulty was a perceived difficulty only, then perhaps I needed to take a step back until I understood things more.

A stated culture or motto may not be fact, though of course one hopes it is! There are many examples of this in life, for example, a school where the principal stands up and says each child is valued, yet a few days after enrolling a child may be terribly miserable and may tell his or her parents that the teachers are horrible to many of the children. The only  way to tell for sure is to measure actions against words, but truth may take a while to be uncovered.

Words and actions which are in accord are key in what is meant by integrity. When words and actions are not in accord then this is hypocrisy. (I suspect this article will spawn a few more topics sometime!)

Limiting Behaviour Patterns: Not Recognising Changed Situations

A beautiful little child I know experienced problems making friends recently, after she was put into a new class with children she did not know. She told me she went around asking the other children if she could play with them, and they said no. So I told her to try to just join in, not to specifically ask, and it went a bit better. I then happened to bump into her at her school a few times after that, and on one occasion watched as a particularly friendly girl walked up to her and said, come and play with us this lunchtime. She shook her head and walked away. I asked her why she didn't go with the girl who invited her, after all, the girl was giving her an open invitation! This is often how God works: He gives us an invitation and gently guides us along a certain path and it is up to us to follow. No, she said, I don't know the other girls she plays with and they won't want me to play with them. But you know her, I said, and she is inviting you! The little girl did not look sure about this and still refused to go and join the other child. Then it dawned on me that this child was so used to rejection that she did not recognise a changed situation. She was conditioned to expect people not to want to be around her, so that when someone did want to play with her, she expected the same pattern of rejection to play out. How sad, I thought! Already her mindsets are limiting her from freely being herself. I know she is a lovely child, but the more she says no and does not follow the other girl's invitations, the less she will be asked.

Do you recognise your own opportunities or are you so used to things seeming to follow one path that you miss opportunities for change?

God Invites Everyone to His Table

Have you ever been asked to complete a Bible study at a church and then run into problems when you disagreed with some of the beliefs of the church? Or maybe others disagreed heavily with your beliefs? Maybe you even left the church or were kicked out due to a difference of beliefs? Yet, God has invited everyone to get to know Him and this is a freely given invitation. What would He think of the barriers we put amongst ourselves? My ideal church would be one where the beliefs merely state, Christian church, we follow God as per The Bible. I think The Message Bible, Romans 14, gives a good synopsis of why I mention this, and this is the relevant chapter from this Bible:

Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with—even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.

For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume he should only be a vegetarian and eat accordingly. But since both are guests at Christ’s table, wouldn’t it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn’t eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God’s welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.

Six Days You Shall Do All Your Work, the Seventh is the Sabbath Day (A Day of Rest)

I have been mulling over the question of the Sabbath day for some time now. Should I keep the Sabbath day? What does it mean to keep the Sabbath: is it a day of rest or of worship or both? And does it matter which day is set aside as the Sabbath day, as long as society works for six days and rests on the seventh day? This is a somewhat rambling post, but hopefully you will see the complexity I see posed by this matter. And, no, I don't know the answer!

I have read that the concept of a week consisting of seven days derives from God's creation of the world in seven days and the corresponding Sabbath commandment, and each day of the seven day Jewish week is named for the day it is, for example, first day, second day. The seventh day is Sabbath day, which in English in known as Saturday. It is difficult to honour the Sabbath in our modern world, though of course important is not what is easy or difficult, important is to do what is right. What makes keeping the original Sabbath especially difficult is that the day of worship observance was changed from Saturday to Sunday by the Roman Catholic Church many centuries ago, and most of the other Christian churches then followed this example. Much of western society is structured around Sunday being a day of complete rest, and even though Saturday is part of the weekend, it is more and more being seen as an ordinary day of commerce. Incidentally, I have heard a few Christians criticise the Catholic Church for not being entirely Biblical, yet most Christian churches followed the Catholic Church's example in changing the day of worship to a Sunday! Personally I have no qualm with the Catholic Church and my experience is that most Catholics follow the Bible, though I have seen some cases where additional doctrine has crept in, as I have seen is the case with many other churches too. It is best not to find fault with others, and to rather make sure one's own conscience is clear.

Many Christians believe that the Sabbath commandment was done away with and may say we now find our rest in Jesus alone. I have written previously on this blog how Jesus told us to still honour and teach the Ten Commandments, and I concluded by saying we are not under the law but we live by the Spirit, and the Bible says the Spirit leads us to keep the commandments. Assuming one does believe in keeping the Sabbath, what does keeping the Sabbath mean? The Bible says it is a day of rest where we stop our own pursuits and rest from our labours and keep the day holy. If this is the case, then I believe no buying or selling should take place on this day, and included in this formula, I include no collection of money in churches (1). In Jewish Synagogues, money is not carried on Sabbath at all, and collection of money is done at other times. Perhaps this is why the Bible speaks of money being collected on the first day of the week, not because churches necessarily met on that day, but because it was the day after Sabbath and the first opportunity money was allowed to be collected: "Upon the first day of the week let every one of you lay by him in store, as God hath prospered him, that there be no gatherings when I come." (1 Corinthians 16:2 KJV) Jesus said, "Or have ye not read in the law, how that on the sabbath days the priests in the temple profane the sabbath, and are blameless?" (Matthew 12:5 KJV) Jesus pointed out that priests and pastors work on the Sabbath, yet are blameless. Perhaps this is why the church was inspired to change the day when worship was done from a Saturday to a Sunday, as most churches tend collect money on the day people come to church? I know a few Christians who rest on Saturday, keeping to the original day of Sabbath rest, and then go to church on Sunday.

Underhanded Tactics (Part 5: Knowledge is Power)

Previous blog article: Underhanded Tactics (Part 4: Retrenchment Exercises)

I love getting to know all aspects of a specific topic. I love joining patterns and knowing the whole as well as the detail. Perhaps this is the reason that I noticed a reluctance on the part of many people to part with knowledge and I often felt I was kept in the dark, with enlightenment just out of reach. Of course, keeping knowledge to oneself is a necessary self protection tactic, especially in this cut throat world we live in. How much better it would be if we could all share information freely, sure in the knowledge that our colleagues would not use this knowledge for their own ends, or would give us credit where credit is due? So, as with most of the topics I write about, there are various sides to see a situation, and what may be good may also be bad, or have varying degrees of good and bad, depending on how the topic is approached.

Take the example of retrenchment which I wrote about in the previous blog article. The people planning the retrenchment have knowledge of what is being planned, but will not relay this to the victims. The victims may have an inkling of what is coming but cannot do much except wait and see and react once they know for sure, but by then it may be too late. Knowledge is withheld. People planning retrenchments may themselves be on the receiving end as people above them may be planning their demises too.

Underhanded Tactics (Part 4: Retrenchment Exercises)

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Underhanded Tactics (Part 3: The Waiting List)

I have been amazed at some of the ingenious lengths people will go to to ensure their ends are met; take the example of retrenchments. I have heard of people who were given promotions into new positions and who were paid more money and their new pay bracket put them into a more expensive and more at risk of retrenchment categorym so their promotion was short lived as they were retrenched a few months later --was this planned or by chance? I know of someone whose job profile changed from permanent to contractor when he got a promotion, and the company then easily removed this person later as he was no longer a permanent member of staff. Another person who was a contractor had the promise of being made a permanent staff member right up until the day his access card no longer worked and he was unable to come into work. Or people may only be told on the last day that their contracts will not be renewed, previously renewed year after year, but they could see this possibility coming as there was delay after delay in approving them. Perhaps you are told these people decided to retire. I have come across cases where whole departments were restructured, changing reporting lines, and a few months later it was said that managers should not report to managers and some people were then retrenched. Hmmm, I thought to myself, but the restructure recently done caused the change to this structure; was the restructure therefore done in anticipation of the coming retrenchment, effectively deciding beforehand who would be targeted? Likewise, you must have heard of the common retrenchment exercise of a department being downsized and people then needing to reapply for their jobs, but of course only a limited number of jobs are then available to reapply for. Call me suspicious, but I am certain most departments undertaking this exercise know full well who they plan to rehire long before the applications to reapply for jobs are given in! Another common tactic seems to be to hire a few new people before a retrenchment exercise happens--is this bad planning, or is this done consciously, either wanting to protect existing staff if the new people are the ones to be retrenched, or else deciding new staff are a better proposition than existing staff? What cases of possible retrenchment deception are you aware of?

Next blog article: Underhanded Tactics (Part 5: Knowledge is Power)

Underhanded Tactics (Part 3: The Waiting List)

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Underhanded Tactics (Part 2: Inciting a Reaction)

This morning I was mulling over what to write for the third topic about underhanded tactics used by people. Hmmm, you know, I thought to myself, I could probably write a whole book full of these tactics! Thoughts in this vein are woven in amongst much of my writing, especially my thoughts on bullying and racism. In my moments of inspiration, I think I must have enough succint thoughts on this topic to go on for days, then I stop as I think I have covered all of this already, and maybe I only have a few more thoughts. Let's see where this all leads! I do believe human ingenuity can be limitless, especially as regards deception, but there are some high level patterns!

Seriously, life is full of deception. Often we call this being polite. How honest are you in your everyday dealings with other people? We don't like it when we are caught out by others, but we may do the exact same things ourselves when we interact with other people, especially people we have difficulty getting along with. For example, you might attend a church, or a sports club, and you like what you see and decide you would like to become a member. Then, unexpectedly, you hear you will be placed on a waiting list if you would like to officially join. You weren't told there would be a waiting list! You think to yourself, was the waiting list created because you want to join, or has it always been in place? You realise you might sound a bit paranoid if you ask about this! How does one become a member, you wonder: is it first on the list, first to become a member, or is there some other secret selection criteria? You then find out that some people have been on the waiting list for months, but they know of others who have jumped the queue.

The sign at a door may say all are welcome, but you are beginning to wonder if that is the case at this club. Maybe you should find another club, you sadly think to yourself.

Link to next blog article: Underhanded Tactics (Part 4: Retrenchment Exercises)

Underhanded Tactics (Part 2: Inciting a Reaction)

Link to previous blog article: Underhanded Tactics (Part 1: Diverting Attention)

Imagine the following scenario: From a distance you hear a person ranting in anger in a shopping centre, and when you get closer you see it is a female customer trying to hit a salesperson over the head with her large soft handbag and she is screaming at him to watch his mouth. Next you know, the woman is surrounded by security guards and is escorted away, still shouting. What you might not have seen is the salesperson make an initial few disparaging remarks to the customer, telling her that maybe she shouldn't buy clothing she is too fat to wear and then she wouldn't need to return it. You don't know the salesperson said this very quietly to the woman, with a polite grin, knowing his actions were being recorded. The female customer saw red as the comments pushed her hot buttons and she flew into a fit of temper and the salesperson then called security, saying he feared for his safety.

Bullies may use quiet means to egg a victim on, and then they sit back and watch their victim explode, which may only happen after months of bullying. Sometimes of course a person is not intentionally a bully towards someone, it is just a complex set of personal dynamics which unravels and creates situations where a person may react in excess to what they see as inciting behaviour; maybe a person has a hot button due to previous trauma.

The lesson of course is not to allow temper to get the better of one. If you are angry and out of control, people don't say, oh dear, what did the person say to you to make you so angry, they see someone raging in anger and that is the only problem for them. You may one day find yourself physically manhandled, or sexually assaulted, or verbally incited, but if you react badly, you will be the one at fault and may give impetus to any allegations against you and you may then be seen as the bully. Don't ever react in a way which will make you a target, for example, if someone manhandles you, don't call the person bad names or hit them or scream at them or make a racist comment against them. This does not help your cause. Remain calm and speak your truth quietly and clearly. Jesus said to turn the other cheek and to bless our enemies, and His advice will go a long way to defusing a problem situation.

Link to next blog article: Underhanded Tactics (Part 3: The Waiting List)

Underhanded Tactics (Part 1: Diverting Attention)

People are ingenious and gifted with intelligence. The world embraces creativity and invention, and when intelligence is put to use for good, wondrous things are possible, but beware when intelligence is used for evil, devious tactics.

The following examples of underhanded tactics are inspired from stories I have read in the news or from my own life experiences.

Diverting Attention

You write an on topic reply to a post on the Facebook page of a political party. A few people respond in support and add to your train of thought and communication flows and it seems solutions may be possible. Then you notice a few people posting off topic or irrelevant comments, at odds with the topic being dealt with. When next you look, people are no longer on topic as many have jumped in and are commenting at random to the diverting posts that now intersperse the page. Your conversation is lost in the noise of diversion. Was diversion a tactic undertaken on purpose to divert attention from the communication and from coming up with valuable solutions? Think of other places where this might happen, for example, in discussions at work. The more people make comments or ask questions which divert, the more difficult it is to stay on topic and to use a group's time wisely to deal with one matter at a time. Often diversion may not be done on purpose, people are merely interested in where their thoughts lead them, but the end result is the same, in a weakening of focus. Stick to the topic at hand and park all side conversations until the main issue has been dealt with and only then move on. Conversation will be much more effective. It is always better to concentrate and to stand united than to divide energy and attention.

Link to next blog article: Underhanded Tactics (Part 2: Inciting a Reaction)

One Christian Body

I've been searching for the right church, one that follows Biblical principles and also one which has an awesome worship service, as I love singing praise and worship songs. The Bible says, "O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation." (Psalm 95:1 KJV)

I love hearing sermons in church, and I have my favourite Pastors, but more than anything it is singing to God which I look forward to. I have attended churches where people sway and dance and lift up their hands and sing boldly. Oh how I enjoyed this worship, as I was one of the enthusiastic worshipers; perhaps a bit too enthusiastic at times! I used to be such a quiet, sedate person! Yet the church I have chosen to attend is one where people stand politely. No hands are usually lifted, though I had a hard time keeping my hands down at the service this weekend just past! It was a wonderful service and during the sermon I found myself praising God spontaneously and silently inside my head. It felt to me as if a light had been switched on within a few people within the congregation, as the Pastor spoke of worship during his sermon, and I think he gave the Bible verse above.

I have attended churches where the service seems forced and cold and where God's presence seems far away, and where people are attending church because this is something they do weekly, not necessarily because they seem to truly want to worship God. Of course, I cannot see inside people's hearts, so the silence may be a facade for a wondrous internal experience with God. I have realised myself that I don't need to lift up my hands to feel God's presence, so it has been really good for me to attend a church where this is not the norm. After all church is not a disco! But still, I enjoy being able to sing in vigorous praise to God. He seems really close when I do this. Yet I know God is always around us, available to us, and if I feel God is far away it is because I am being distant, not because He has left me. He is always there! I feel praise opens up a doorway to Heaven.

What does this tell me? Well, firstly, God can be found in any and every church. I have felt a strong presence of God in most, if not all, of the churches I have attended. And when I say attended, I mean sometimes attending a specific church once or twice only in my search to find what seemed like a church which followed Biblical truth. An analogy would be when I was buying a car and I was not willing to pay money for any of the vehicles I looked at as there was always something small that seemed I could not compromise on. With each car it seemed I had found the right one until I noticed, what was for me, the flaw. Either the colour or the price or the transmission, yet everything else was perfect. If only I could take parts of one car and overlay characteristics of another car; why couldn't there be one that had everything I really wanted! In the end I ended up buying a car, of course, and I had to go with my gut feel as to the one that would work best for me, even though it was not perfect. It was the same in finding a home church. Each time I did some research and found something I disagreed with, which I felt was not Biblical. I was skeptical about some parts of the doctrine of the church I currently attend too, but in spite of my initial misgivings, this is the church I have chosen. I may wander on in my journey sometime, but I feel I am at this church for a reason, maybe to rest in my constant search and to allow God to lead me, instead of always questing to find Him, yet always missing what He is saying as I rush on to investigate the next denomination.

I wish all churches would state that the Bible is their doctrine, and that this forms the basis of their beliefs. I wish all churches would state they are part of one Christian body, and the denomination is secondary. Of course each church will be different and will have different nuances of culture, which some do even within denominations, but I wish we could see ourselves as one global Christian organisation. As an example, I have heard some Christians say the word Catholic as if this is a totally different religion. Yet Catholics follow Jesus! How can they not be Christians! I may not believe in all that a Catholic church says and does, but I cannot say they are not Christians--I feel this is for God to decide. Perhaps some people who attend Catholic churches may say other churches are not truly Christian! I do believe there are churches which might have deception sown into their beliefs, but if all were to say that, first and foremost, the Bible is what matters, then I believe the differences of doctrinal interpretation would not present such a barrier, which they currently may.

Secondly, I disagree with the reasoning where churches tell people to first complete and agree with their own internal course, before obtaining membership in a specific church. The Message Bible says, "For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume he should only be a vegetarian and eat accordingly. But since both are guests at Christ’s table, wouldn’t it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn’t eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God’s welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help." (Romans 14:2-4 MSG) Why not allow all to join, and people who disagree are bound to leave of their own accord? (See related blog article: Culture As a Form of Self Regulating Management) I feel one should allow and encourage robust debate and discussion as this leads to truth.

Thirdly, change can happen. The culture of a church may be largely static, but I have seen that hearts can change and in so doing some practices one may disagree with may change too. God will lead the way. It is not about the building and the coffee and the people, it is about finding God. There may be no perfect church, but in all follow God and set small differences aside. After all, isn't that why churches exist, to glorify God and to allow His Kingdom to spread?