To me happiness is a sense of satisfaction that all is right with our worlds; a sense of contentment that we have equilibrium and are safe; that our basic needs are satisfied; that we have a support network of friends and family; that we are making a positive contribution to the world; that we are relatively healthy. But is it possible to be happy when some of these elements are missing? I believe the answer is "yes". Why do I say that? Because I believe in many cases happiness is due to acceptance of ourselves and our circumstances, and knowing ourselves and what is important to us, and believing that things can change.
What causes unhappiness?
There are people who seem to have everything in life, yet are still unhappy. They have more than enough money, are surrounded by relationships, seem to be making a difference to the world yet say they feel an emptiness and are unhappy. Why is this? The main point to learn from this is that money and belongings, even other people, will not make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. I heard Joyce Meyer once say "stop giving other people the job of making you happy". What a profound statement! I believe we feel unhappy when we feel a gap, an absence that we don't know how to fill and we want to fill now. An uncomfortable gnawing feeling of wanting more and not knowing how to get it. The something that may be missing is different for everyone. For some people they might indeed feel they need more money, for others they might need connection and relationships, a marriage perhaps. Being lonely can be the hardest type of mental torture to bear. Some people might feel very unhappy in their current job, and want out without knowing how to get that next job. Some people may feel trapped by life and circumstance.
I have come to realise there is no fixed formula to happiness. Each person is different and finds happiness in different things and values different things. But there are a few points worth mentioning that could possibly help some people find happiness:
Acceptance of current circumstance
Accept yourself for who you are. This is your body, this is what you look like, this is what you are good at. Accept your current circumstances in life. This is your life as it is at the moment. There were certain choices you made as an adult that led to you taking the path you have. Some things in life aren't fair, but knowing that is not going to make your situation any better. Realise that if you want change, that some things change slowly. If you want to lose weight, dieting takes time and willpower. If you want another job, it may take a while to find one, and if you want a career change it takes time to study towards a new qualification, and in the mean time bills need to be paid. Be thankful for the things that you do have, not for the things that you don't have. You will need resilience to withstand current circumstance; knowing that you can find a way out, that you can rise above your circumstances is important. Try asking for help and support from others until an answer comes. Sometimes discussing a situation with others helps spark an idea and a way out.
Living in the present
I used to feel that life was passing me by, as if I was waiting for life to happen. Yet it was happening each and every day while I was waiting and watching. I kept focusing on the future, and thinking about the past, but I was not living in the present. Enjoy the present. Take a walk out in the sunshine. Invite someone for coffee. Phone a friend for a quick chat. Make sure you tell your loved ones that you love them. Remember to save your memories for when you're older, perhaps also take a few photos to remember an experience. Don't hold back from enjoying a sudden downpour, or an unexpected encounter with someone you haven't seen for a while. Reminisce about your past and embrace your past as part of yourself, but live in the present moment. Try not to have regrets about what has gone before. The past can never be remade, but the future can, so plan for the future while taking steps in the present.
A sense of identity
Know what you stand for. What is your personality? Unmask yourself and try to be authentic. What is your belief system? Do you value family more than your career, or would you work long nights to make sure your family is happy and has enough money? There are no right or wrong answers. It is important that you do know your answers though as this is the cornerstone of your own congruency, and by this I mean consistency in your decisions and in the way you present them. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't let other people do your thinking for you. You have a mind. You have talents that are important, like writing or dancing or singing or caring. Everyone has a purpose. You can and must make your own decisions.
Having goals to work towards
What are your dreams for your life? What are your dreams for others? Dreams are what you want to achieve in life, something that you have a desire to accomplish that will make a difference to your world. Often your talents will help set the direction of your dreams. Are you good at dancing and want to be a successful ballet dancer? You need to set goals on how you will fulfill your dreams, for example attending ballet school. Dreams do not happen unless you take steps to start making them happen. A book will not write itself. Goals are the individual things that you need to achieve by a certain time to make your dream happen, also called setting milestones. Once you reach one milestone, you can work towards the next. This all takes planning. Have short term and medium term and long term goals. Write down your goals and by when you want to achieve them. Make sure you set the steps in place to fulfill your dreams.
Mindsets
Manage your expectations. If you put all your trust in someone and they let you down, you may be bitterly hurt and disappointed. If you manage your expectations and expect the unexpected you will be able to get up and try again. Know that you will be able to triumph over any circumstance. Know that where there's a will, there is a way. Our dreams may take longer to realise than we expect, but we must keep trying. Try to keep your hope alive. I am much happier than I used to be, but life is still a journey. I am blessed with my renewed belief in God, and in my faith I have hope that things can change for the better.
In summary
Perhaps the real key to happiness is knowing that we are in control of our own worlds. That in spite of any adversity, we will ultimately be able to triumph. That if we are lonely, we can accept loneliness as a temporary state of being and look for new friends, or perhaps we can decide that we are not lonely. That loneliness is a mindset. If one can be lonely in a crowd, then perhaps one can decide not to be lonely wherever we find ourselves. Know that you can change your life and your circumstances. When you find yourself often life and others will find you. You can be happy.
These are some previous articles that might also help with unanswered questions about happiness:
All very true, I feel that one can be happy with oneself but the world around us does have an impact. Seeing poverty every day is a reminder that all is not well with the world.
ReplyDeleteI think education, family planning and involved parenting is key.
I believe that if one does not have a dream, or goal, then we are like Alice when the Chesire cat said "where are you going" and she said she does not know. "Then" said the cat "it does not matter which way you go".
Thanks, great comments. I especially like your comment about Alice and the Cheshire cat - if we mostly know where we are planning to go, we will know what opportunities to grab hold of when they come along, and which to ignore.
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