A "Black Swan Event" is when the unexpected occurs, causing a huge mindshift and change in how the world works. People never imagined that Black Swans existed, until the discovery of the first Black Swan... (as per book "The Black Swan", by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, 2007, that sold over 3 million copies)

Is a perception change the next Black Swan Event? Consider that by changing perception we might change the world. Look at everyday things from different angles. Find beauty in the unexpected...
Change our thinking, change our actions, change our world!

See that all people are part of God's puzzle and have something to give. Black swans do exist. The ugly duckling was actually a swan who needed to discover himself and where he fitted and be who he was meant to be. To the last, the lost and the least, you are beautiful as you are.
May all who visit this page feel God's touch and experience His blessing...

Wednesday 7 May 2014

Abusers and Bullies Lack Empathy For Their Targets

I once heard a Year One teacher accuse a child in her class of  making mistakes on purpose, however, I would be astonished if a six or seven year old child would ever deliberately cause mischief such as this, because a child at this level hasn't learnt the intricacies of such social dynamics. What would it profit a child to act stupid? The teacher didn't understand that the child was struggling to understand and needed help.

I have heard of paedophiles who say in their defense that the child agreed with their requests for sexual favours. The abuser seems to feel that the child understood what was being requested, as if the abusive adult is thus absolved from guilt because the child was a willing partner. Yet a child doesn't understand norms of behaviour as a grown woman does, and a child may agree because the child doesn't even know what he or she is agreeing to, or may not want to offend an adult, or may agree because the child has previously learnt to agree. Some grown woman may even have difficulty turning down persistent requests for sexual favours from an ardent follower, so how much more difficult would this be for a child to ward off?

A child has a mind very different from an adult and cannot be seen as a miniature adult, who knows intricate social dynamics. Yet many abusers seem to treat children as if they were adults, and children are often treated as far older than their years by many abusers.

Similar principles may apply to those who bully other adults too, because such bullies may lack compassion for their victims, or may assume a malevolent intention from another person when none was ever intended. Someone once told me that instead of being angry with someone who was bullying me, that I should have compassion for the bully instead. I never understood what he meant at the time, but I am beginning to understand that perhaps many bullies are the way they are because they have been hurt and somehow there is a breakdown in how they see the world.

I wonder, is it possible to reform many abusers, especially of children, and teach them what it means to see the world as a child does? If you are a parent, please try to teach your children the value of boundaries, to respect others' wishes, and to have empathy for others so that abuse will become less and less.

Sunday 4 May 2014

Many Accuse Victims of Being at Fault

I've noticed that people seem to have a tendency to blame victims for their situation. Is this because it's easier for us to come to terms with deviant behaviour when we think a victim deserved what happened, as if we can't fathom that bad things sometimes happen? I may have read that theory somewhere before.

I read an article today about a 14 year old child who was raped, but the judge said she wasn't such a victim because she was promiscuous. Her attacker agreed in a confession that he raped her and he even said he couldn't believe what he had done and that he was sorry. He was sentenced to 5 years probation, which included only 45 days in jail, and the victim wondered why she even came forward and laid a rape charge--very sad. One thing in the rapist's favour is that he seems sorry for what he did, but still, I can't fathom that the victim was blamed in this case, because the confession clearly says that she said no many times and asked him to stop and her past should have no bearing on the case.

I have read of cases of child sexual abuse where a similar thing was said. Offenders will say the child came on to them or that the child agreed to the abuse. A child is a child and an adult should always know better than the child. If a child comes onto an adult, the adult should say no. When people say the child agreed to the abuse, the request was given by the adult first. How can it ever be okay for an adult to ask a 10 year old, or any child, if he or she wants to try out a sexual behaviour? A 10 year old child usually doesn't know anything about what the adult means the first time this happens, and will often say yes if the child hasn't been taught to be careful of such a situation and to say no. Later on the child will continue to say yes, even when the child realises the behaviour is wrong, because the norm has been set up and the child may now feel complicit in the cycle of shame and guilt and also is trapped in a learnt cycle.

As in the above cases, I have seen where victims are blamed for bullying that happens. Bullies are often very personable people and other people may like them, and sometimes victims aren't always seen as that nice. Bullies may bully their victims on the quiet and the victim may then react badly towards the bully in public, reinforcing the perception that the bully is in fact the victim, but things aren't always what they seem. A good piece of advice I was given was to always ensure I behaved calmly and well towards a bully in public, otherwise people would believe the bad things the bully said about me in private. Unfortunately people don't normally want to get involved when they hear about bullying, and they will sometimes blame the victim, and may even ask the victim to leave an organisation thinking this will keep the peace, but the bully will probably just find a new target later.

Thursday 1 May 2014

Breaking Patterns of Behaviour

I've been mulling over patterns of behaviour and how these originate and also how to break them. Even harder than breaking a pattern of behaviour, I feel, is recognising the pattern in the first instance. When something is so much a part of us, it's difficult to isolate. We see our actions as natural, something we do, and often aren't aware there is anything amiss. It is hard to see ourselves as other people see us, especially if there is lack of feedback.

An example might be someone who gets into trouble, or who is avoided, because of misplaced humour and making hurtful fun of others. There are some people where this is their normal style of communication and such a person will consider joking as natural as breathing, but for someone else who isn't used to joking as a means of expression, hearing this on an ongoing basis will seem uncomfortable. A person who finds fun in every situation may not even realise this isn't the norm for everyone. And if the person does realise that the humour is causing a problem for other people, the person may still fall back on the humour, even knowing this might land him or her in trouble. Sometimes people like to push other people's buttons. But yet, the humour may cause a real problem for such a person during everyday interactions, especially towards strangers, and it would be best to drop the pattern, but, it is exceedingly difficult to break a habit. Even when one knows the habit should be changed, actually doing so may take every ounce of self control.

Often we first need to understand why we need to change before we actually change our patterns of behaviour. This realisation may take a long time in coming. Sometimes it's only when our selves are threatened that we find the incentive to change. The person who jokes may only stop wisecracks if, for example, the person is told he or she may be fired from a job if the behaviour continues. Hopefully the person will experience a personal insight into the harm done by constantly poking fun at others and will drop the behaviour before this is necessary.