What Does a Second Chance Look Like?

I believe in giving people second chances. I know that God gives people second chances. But what does a second chance look like in the world we live in?

For example, perhaps you said and did quite a few wrong things to your colleagues at work and your manager fired you. You now have to find another company that will hire you, but your record says that you were fired. Or it is even possible that you approach your previous manager again after a few months, wholly repentant, and you ask for another opportunity to prove your worth. In any of these scenarios, you will count yourself fortunate if you are given a second chance to work in that line of work again and to make things work out.

But what will your second chance look like? Your record shows the mistakes that you are prone to make and perhaps you are prone to repeat patternd of behaviour you are unable to shake. Perhaps you are even unable to totally see where you are going wrong, but you know something is amiss and needs to change. Your second chance may be couched in tough terms, for example, the manager may say you may work here, but these are the conditions you must work under and after three months we will give you more freedom in your role, but this is a necessary probation period to prove that you have changed. Will you take this opportunity, which is a seocnd chance, though it might look like a set of confining conditions, or do you walk away?

Second chances in this world don't necessarily mean all is forgiven and the slate is wiped clean and you are free to start from scratch again. People may have been hurt. People have long memories. Second chances sometimes mean you have to prove yourself and to start below where you started out initially. You have to earn trust. You have to show you are repentant and that you have changed.

Don't waste the second chances you are given because they seem to have too strict conditions attached. You were at fault and you need to make amends and to work for your freedom. People may understand that you have been through a tough life and that you may have patterns that need to change, but they will not accept, at least not more than a few times, continual negative patterns of destructive behaviour that impact others. You have a choice--you can change. Recognise that this opportunity may never come your way again and work hard to show you can break through the barriers of the past, and change your limiting behaviour patterns. Grab hold of your second chances when they come your way.

Lesson From Bella--Being Unaware of Wrongdoing

In my blog post titled, Lesson From Bella--Just Stay Where You Are, I mentioned that Bella the dog sneaks onto a softer blanket than her designated blanket at any opportunity, yet when I find her there and get angry because she has moved there yet again, she cowers as if unaware of what she has done. Surely this time she must know that she has done wrong, I think, yet still Bella cowers and stays put until I pick her up and carry her back to her blanket. I have realised that if she truly did know that she was doing wrong, she would show guilt and run back to her own blanket as soon as she saw me walk into the room.

I have realised that the same concept may apply to people, for example, I might think someone is deliberately being tardy if he or she is always late for meetings; it is easy to draw the conclusion that the person is doing this deliberately and wilfully, especially if it is a pattern of regular behaviour. Yet assumptions are dangerous and I need to check my assumption with the person concerned. More importantly, I should tell the person exactly what is bothering me, or the situation may continue unchecked and may be detrimental to both of us eventually. And there may be valid reasons for the person constantly arriving late. A general statement in the office that states that people must be on time might not  resolve the problem, for the person might genuinely believe that being five minutes late is on time.

So often we see slights against us or we assume deliberate malignant behaviour, yet perhaps most of the time people are innocent and oblivious to their own faulty patterns of behaviour. Clarifying assumptions and clear communication might avoid much hurt later.

The Problem with Money When Motivating For Charity

Fictitious case study: Volunteers decide to start a charity out of compassion for people. The charity grows so big it is able to begin to pay the volunteers for their time. People move into positions of power. They ask for volunteers to keep running the tasks that help the community directly. Paid employees do the "real work", like data reports and admin. The charity influences the government to cut social security payments, so people in the community can go back to work and rely on them less, but what really happens is that the demand for the charity's services grow. The charity now puts out word that they need more funding. Most of the funding goes to keep the charity's staff employed. Volunteers keep running the community services.

This is  a hypothetical situation and there are many wonderful charities out there, with wonderful intentions, but there may also be some organisations out there where there good intentions are a front for self interest.  Hopefully we will be able to tell the difference.

Challenges:

• How does one ensure that most of the funding given to charities goes to the people in the community who need it, not to support the charity's structures?

• How do you ensure that volunteers are still willing to give time when they see people around them being paid to do the same tasks that they do, or sometimes even less work? Or do you make it a rule to pay all or none?

• Awareness  of the dynamics that exist between organisations and their network structures, e.g. between this charity and government. If a charity can influence government decisions, why did they make the request to cut people's source of money? Was it to do good to the community, or to assist themselves?

Lesson From Bella--Just Stay Where You Are

We have a small dog called Bella. I have written about her before. Bella loves to lie on soft blankets. I will often spread out a blanket for her to lie on, usually on the couch, so that she can be part of the family life inside. The problem with Bella is that she is not satisfied staying on that blanket. She will sometimes wait until I am out of the room and then sneak into another spot, often onto a softer blanket. When she does this, I tell her she is a bad dog for not listening and I expect her to act as if she is guilty and to move, yet usually she cowers where she is and doesn't seem to understand what she has done wrong. I guess from her point of view, she was merely moving to where it seemed warmer, and then I came in and began to yell at her for no reason that she understood. This is like wondering why someone keeps doing the same thing wrong over and over, but have you ever explained to the person what he or she was doing wrong? Maybe the person has no idea! Of course, if Bella keeps doing this, I'm going to send her outside or to another spot where she can't get onto the other blankets, so she should have remained where she was.

Something else that Bella will sometimes do is get up from where she was lying down quite comfortably, to see what I am doing in the kitchen. Normally I am not doing much that would interest her, and then I get irritated when I see Bella hovering, watching me, so I open the kitchen door and let her out. Of course she didn't really want to go outside, she wanted to see what I am doing, in case she missed something, and I might hear her whining outside to be let in a short while later. If only she would understand that she should remain where she is in the first place, as it is much more comfortable, than to make a nuisance of herself.


So, on the one hand, Bella sneaks off to find a more comfortable spot, or on the other hand, she sneaks off to see what other people are up to. Both times, if she only stayed where she was, she might be happier. I guess there is a lesson for people in that too!

Preventing Childhood Sexual Abuse

I read an article today that said that consensual sex between a child and an adult is not really rape--I can vaguely see why this man would say this, because he thought the child went along with what he wanted. But did the child really? A child does not normally go around wanting to have sex with adults. A child has no concept of sex unless this is taught to the child by someone else, be this by an adult, from a growing up program at school (leading to experimentation), or from other children. So, somehow, the child thought or learnt that this behaviour would be rewarded. I would suggest that if someone has what he terms, "consensual sex" with a child, that that someone was devious enough to manipulate such a child into rewarding sexual behaviour, perhaps for treats or by giving and withholding love.

If you ask most children, do you want to try this, be it anything, the child will agree, often not knowing what is to come. Children have a real desire to please adults. What happens when a child is asked to show their privates to a trusted adult? Some will agree. Not all of them, but then these children are excluded from further grooming if there are other children available as targets. If there are no other targets, for example, in a closed family environment, the perpetrator might try just the harder to convince the child to trade favours. All the while, the perpetrator will make sure the child keeps a secret and also that the child knows that he or she is party to this deviant behaviour, so that the child feels enough shame and guilt to keep quiet. Often a child will keep quiet because there is genuine love for the perpetrator and the child does not want him or her to get into trouble.

What can be done? Firstly, all child sexual abuse is wrong. If you are approached by a child sexually, make sure you  ignore the behaviour. Don't be fooled into thinking the child truly desires sex, especially if puberty hasn't hit. Make sure you report the behaviour too. Sometimes this behaviour can be learnt innocently on the playground, because children do have a fascination for differences, or else it could have been learnt from an older child (this could even be an abused child), but what if it was learnt by an adult's approach? Secondly, teach your child to say a firm, "no!" if approached. Perpetrators choose their targets carefully, and a child who is firm about boundaries will likely be safer. Thirdly, never condone sexual acts on children!

The Devil Is In the Details--Musing on Interpretation

I've wondered about the expression, the devil is in the details. Today I read in Wikipedia that a similar expression is, God is in the detail. So, right from the beginning of my blog article, I spot a difference of interpretation!

I grew up in a family home that God was not part of. Sundays were days to go and visit family. Church was ignored. I changed my beliefs only a few short years ago in my adult years and began to go to church. I became fixated on which denomination was the right one for me. And then I tried to volunteer at the first church I attended in earnest and found this was a difficult thing to do. Why?! I understand now that I was perhaps too impatient and did not understand cultural norms, but that particular church did not feel right for me then, especially when a Pastor ignored my questioning this, and I walked on. I began to attend a few churches, to see which one felt right. None did. For example, I wondered why none of the churches emphasised the Ten Commandments. This was important to me, something I kept as a marker in the back of my mind, perhaps a holdover from attending Catholic Church a few times with my mom. I brought the topic up in a training course for new Christians at the next church, one I was invited to and which I then decided on, and they said The Law was done away with for new Christians. I didn't know what they meant: of course I was not going to celebrate Passover, but surely the Ten Commandments was still important? So I began to attend a church that kept the Saturday Sabbath, because maybe that was what the Ten Commandments was trying to tell me. And then an elderly person I met there died of cancer, and I felt lost again, and in addition I wondered why they collected money on the Sabbath, for Jewish people do not collect money on their Saturday Sabbath, and after that I lost my desire to celebrate Saturday Sabbath. So I was back to wondering which church was right for me. I decided to go back to one I left. It is difficult to find a church if you have not grown up as part of a particular denomination. In fact, I discovered people questioned why I wanted to attend some of the churches I did, because they seemed to find it odd that I would just arrive out of nowhere. I think I have settled on a church now and I pray God leads the way for me.

In all of the above, I see that the devil may be in the detail. One can say one follows God, but are the Ten Commandments important, or aren't they? Is the name of God, Jehovah and/or Yahweh, or should we just say God or LORD or Lord? And some people say Jesus is Yahweh and some say He is the Son of God, not to be confused with Yahweh, God the Father. So, the devil may be in the details, because these details can lead us astray from following God. In many ways I wish I could but say, I am a Christian and I follow the Bible the best way I can, and there are no denominations, only churches with different cultures and their own different ways of interpreting the Bible, but the Bible is the real cornerstone. Yet, even Bibles have different translations, and I learnt recently that the original Hebrew that used to have written YHWH (Yahweh) and Adonai was replaced by LORD and Lord respectively. I used to think Lord and LORD were the same, just the one with more of an emphasis, but they actually reference the names of different divinities  Should I therefore just use the word God so I don't go wrong? But I was once present in a room where many people took an oath under God, and there were many different religions present--they were taking oaths to different Gods. I would like to know my God by name.

Just as the devil may be in the details, God is also in the detail, because there is untruth and somehow, somewhere, there is also God's truth.

Father God in Heaven, I pray that from this moment on, you lead us into truth, so we may worship you in spirit and in truth. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

My Personal Brand: a Different View of Life

I missed attending a short training course I was told about called "Building a Personal Brand", but it is a topic I have thought about and it has relevance for me as a writer.

How would I describe my personal brand to my readers? I write about different ways to view everyday subjects and thereby a change in perception. I write about my view of the world, which is often very different from the norm. I write about all I have learnt on my own journey, much of this from leadership skills trainig courses, yet I see that this information learnt is of relevance to everyone, not only to leaders. And I see that I write about what people are normally advised to steer clear of. I write about the things I see that irritate me and where I think things should be different. I write about religion and sometimes about politics, though not politics from a political party point of view, just things that I see as possibly pertaining to politics, for example, that I disagree with majority votes or my views on discimination. In short, what I write is personal opinion.

A book expert once asked me, how am I qualified to write about the topics that I do write about. My first reaction was to go on the defensive, as I felt on the backfoot, and to retaliate with my expertise: I mentioned that I have a degree with a major in psychology and that I have attended a number of short personal leadership courses, but yet I realise that this did not really qualify. For me to be seen as an expert, I would need to study more. But would a postgraduate degree really make a difference to who I already am? Ultimately, no, though many of my ideas are fluid and change as I gain new insights. I hope the ideas can stand on their own, irrespective of who I actually am, and for my readers to ponder and come to their own insights. I see myself as a catalyst for change, as people may disagree with what I write, but then this may spark additional views and insight.

What is important to me is that I write about what I know. I am qualified to write about my topics because I have lived them. I have not researched my topics extensively, in fact when I first began to write, I made a point to steer clear of research so I could write what I know and how I see things without being influenced by others. Of course, I did not come to these insights alone and I have read widely and some of what I write about may have been part of my psychology studies too, but I don't always remember which parts were, because the knowledge is an innate part of me now and is the sum total of my experiences.

I may research my topics more extensively to write further books, especially as I would like to put down some of the key learnings I found useful. Hopefully I will get there someday.

My personal brand is life; complicated and oft painful life as I see it through my own lenses of perception. I hope you may find some of your own insights through my viewpoints. I would love to take a journey with all who read my thoughts and thereby to expand my perception to greater insights in future.

Link to related blog articles:
What is the business case for my blog?
Who do I write to?
Why did I write my (first) book?