Our Cat and Problem Eating: the Self Regulation Trap

We used to have a skinny cat. We left dry food out for her all day, so she could help herself to what she needed. Then she began to put on weight. We noticed she was snacking every so often, sometimes 15 minutes after she had just eaten a huge meal, adding up to way more than she should eat. She seemed to be snacking when she was bored, wandering aimlessly around the house, spending less time outside. Then I took the constant food supply away and in the beginning she complained loudly when she wanted food, now she can wait a bit longer before I give in. She looks a bit thinner already, but it's going to take time. Self regulation can be a huge problem. And to think, this happens with people too. We are expected to regulate our meals, but often there's a constant supply of choice. Lots to learn from a cat and her eating.

Assertiveness: The Ability to Say "No"

Do you struggle to say "No"? I thought I was okay with turning requests down, until I volunteered to help out with an event. Well, actually what happened is that I went to an information desk to find out if I needed to book to attend a free music concert. The person thought I was there to find out about volunteering for the event, because people were told to go to the desk to put their names down, and she began rummaging around looking for a piece of paper so I could give her my details. So there I was, only thoughts of attending on my mind and then I ending up feeling obliged to put my name down as a volunteer. What would the woman in front of me think if I said "No, I only want to attend"? I thought. Would this seem extremely selfish of me? I had come to the information desk's attention and I was no longer just one of the crowd of event goers, I was a potential helper. So I smiled nervously and gave her my details. I said I'd be an usher. I hoped they had ushering available. I was sure this would be an easy task to do, because I really wanted to see the event too. Then someone phoned me and said would I stay to clean up afterwards, and I said, "No", quite legitimately, because I said I had children I would need to get home to. "Oh, would you help out with the kid's program on the night?" she asked. "Would I still see the concert?", I said. "No, only the kid's concert", she replied. Well, I do have children, I thought--though I had been thinking of leaving them at home on the night--and I could then bring them with me and watch over them. "Okay" I said. I put the phone down.

How did I go from merely wanting to find out if I needed to book a ticket to a free music event to missing the concert totally? I felt manipulated by the phone calls and the outcome, but I did it all to myself! I phoned back and said, "I don't want to miss the main concert". The person was quite understanding and took my name off the kid's concert roster and said she'd get someone to phone me back with something else to do so I wouldn't miss seeing the concert. Now I'm not sure what I will be given to do. When someone phones me back, if they do, I have resolved to say, "I have changed my mind. I don't want to be a volunteer." I hope no-one phones me.

How much easier things would have been if I had just said, "No", when I was first misunderstood.

Link to related blog article

Leadership / Life Skills Series: Assertiveness

The Father Christmases in Your Life

"Ho, ho, ho" the man in the huge red suit says loudly, his face aglow under his red cap. His white wihskers twitch as he chuckles. Your child stares in amazement at the large brown sack draped at the man's feet and at the golden statues of reindeers strung across the floor. A huge Christmas tree stretches loftily behind the man and the branches are decorated in a sparkling adornment of tinsel and ornaments. This is the epitome of the year for your son or your daughter. All year your child has been told to be good and promises await in an abundance of presents under the tree this year.

Have you ever wondered at the above scenario? No, not because of Santa, who is a figment of imagination. Because of the importance we place on Santa and how important such an event becomes to us and our children. Huge promise is wrapped up in his arrival, yet he is a fleeting once a year event.

Do you have other Santas in your life? Maybe it's a dear uncle or a wonderful friend you see occasionally and you love seeing these people so much that you base your whole life around the when moment--when you next see them. Maybe your children do this too, in a friend who visits every three months for a barbeque and brings them gifts and plays with them all day. They are hyped up when they hear of the friend's arrival. But it's fleeting contact. Or maybe you live all year for your once a year holiday that is a brief couple of week's long and then gone.

Perhaps you could try the following exercise, which I did myself once at a personal development training course: Draw a circle to represent yourself on paper and then draw circles to represent each of your key relationships. If they are close relationships, then draw the circles close to you, even interlinked. Make the bubbles bigger or smaller to depict the importance of the relationship to you. This exercise may be easy for some of you to do and others of you may struggle. Take a step back and have a look at what you see. Do you agree with the picture? Are there people who are emotionally distant you would like to see closer? Or are some of the people who are close, perhaps even enmeshed with you, too close? It is a personal exercise and only you know if you obtain any insights from doing this. It was helpful to me when I did it. I have never taken a step further and asked, are some of these people Father Christmases in my life. Something to ponder on perhaps. Perhaps there are some everyday people we could appreciate more and maybe others we could give more time to but currently all but ignore.

The Woman at the Well Shows You Do Belong

The Bible (John 4) mentions a woman from Samaria who Jesus met at a water well as she went to draw water alone in the heat of day. Jesus knew she was a woman who had been married five times before and was now living with a man, and she may therefore have been considered a pariah of society, yet Jesus spoke with her and revealed Himself to her fully and she ran back to the village and told everyone about Jesus. 2000 years later and her story still sparks discussion.

This tale intrigues me because it was a real story, instead of a parable, and also because it shows how down to earth and full of empathy and compassion Jesus was. Jewish people and Samaritans, who were of mixed race, never associated, yet Jesus, who was Jewish, spoke directly to her and used her utensils. He gave her His time and treated her with dignity, a woman whom others may have shunned and she in turn dropped what she was doing and ran back and told the men back in her village about Jesus. It is interesting to me that the verses don't mention her telling other women and there are a few possibilities: she may have been shunned by women and she may have isolated herself  based on what she thought others thought of her or she may have felt what she had to say was so important that she needed to tell the men first. Men of the time would ordinarily ignore much of what women said, yet these men listened to her news and went in search of Jesus. And most importantly, Jesus spoke with the Samaritan woman and treated her respectfully.

Jesus saw each person as having value. We are all people, though we may look a bit different and have different colour skins and different backgrounds. Ethnicity doesn't mean much and it didn't mean anything to Jesus in the story above. In fact, it bugs me when people join together across countries based solely on their colour. Shouldn't we join together based on common values instead? For example, I live in Australia now but used to live in South Africa. Many previously tried to imply I didn't belong in Africa because of the colour of my skin. I will always be African. I was born African and now I am Australian, but I will always be an African too. No matter one's colour, one is an inclusive member of one's country of citizenship. I find it unfortunate that the word African is used to denote colour, because I therefore have to say I am a white African, but I am an African nonetheless. I've heard the word Australian used to refer to someone who is a white Australian, but yet colour means nothing. I hope all people who live in Australia and who may look so different from each other will all consider themselves Australians. People may have different personal cultures, but I hope they embrace the culture of the country where they live too.

I see that this principle applies in other facets of life, too. Do you feel unwelcome from society because of some thing, for example, maybe you look different or you just feel different. Maybe you feel others scorn you, and maybe some do. But, you do belong. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. Some of you may have been hurt by many people in the past, but leave your past behind. It's not about them, it's about changing the way you feel about you, and then you will likely forget there's a them. Treat everyone you meet with respect and equanimity. We all need relationships. And I hope you bump into Jesus along the way.

Leadership / Life Skills: Personal Values

Your core values are key to personal growth. I have spoken about values before and you may wonder what I mean: values comprise your internal belief system and are beliefs that are important to you. Each person has a different set of values that they use to make decisions with. For example, a career woman who is also a mother will probably place the value of family before all else, even at the expense of her career. If her child's school phones to say her child is ill, she will dash home to fetch her child from school even if she is in the middle of a very important meeting. This woman places the value of family uppermost. Another career woman may have a different set of values and may have decided to delay having children until later in her career. Having a family is unimportant to such a woman and her career is her most important value. Each person is different and will have a set of values that drives his or her decision making. Values become part of a person's integral set of beliefs and drive behaviour.

Do you know what your values are? Try the following exercise--list 7 or more of your key values. Some examples could be: relationships, family, career, faith, relationships, wealth, honesty, your home.

Once you have decided on a list of values, recorder your values and place those that are most important to you first and ones that are least important last. If you value relationships above all else, then make that value number 1, but if honesty is more important to you than relationships then change the order. It may take some time to sift through your list. The placement of your values provides insight, because a different set of values means different behaviour, for example, if you always keep the peace even at the expense of honesty, then your personal values will be very different to someone who is always honest, even at the expense of relationships with people. There may be occasions when you swap the order of your values around, but generally you will have an overriding set of values you fall back on under pressure.

Knowing one's values is a key step in knowing one's core self. Personal values explain why people make different decisions and have different ethics given the same set of circumstances. For example, some people are against abortion and others are for abortion given certain circumstances, and these individual views, which are ethics, are a direct consequence of each one's personal set of values.

This exercise may be easy for some people to do and quite difficult for others. I found it quite challenging to list my values when I first attempted to, as I had never thought about the driving forces behind my behaviour before. Now I realise that my values underpin much of my life and my core beliefs.

Leadership / Life Skills: Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a style in which you openly communicate your thoughts without forcing them onto others.

Four communication modes are part of an assertiveness continuum:

• Passive: your wants and needs are avoided or denied
• Passive-aggressive: you want to push your own agenda without seeming to or you say what you want indirectly
• Assertive: you communicate your thoughts openly and directly without aggression 
• Aggressive: you push what you want aggressively, with no thought of the other person

For example, if you and your friend are discussing plans for lunch and your friend asks, "Where would you like to go for lunch?", a passive answer might be, "I don't know, you choose". In this case, you prefer to leave the choice totally to your friend, as you either don't mind at all where you go or else you feel you cannot offer your own opinion. However, if your friend makes a choice and you don't like the venue but don't want to say so directly, you might switch to a passive-aggressive response and say, "Well, I suppose that's okay. Wasn't that a bit boring the last time we went there?" You are giving a strong hint that the choice is unsuitable, but you do so in an indirect way; you might find yourself agreeing to go to the venue even if you prefer not to. Passive-aggressive responses are often manipulative responses. An assertive response instead would be, "No, I don't like that venue as I thought it was boring there the last time we went. What about the place we went to on your birthday?" In an assertive response, you openly state what you think without fear of ridicule. An aggressive response in this scenario might be, "That's a terrible venue. I want to go to the place we went to on your birthday and if we don't go there then I am not going." In an aggressive response, you push your point of view. There is often a fine line between aggressive and assertive responses, as sometimes you may need to be assertive repeatedly to protect your boundaries, which could seem like aggression, but when you are assertive, you avoid showing anger and pushing your own point of view. You might never change your mind about a specific point of view, but you are comfortable if others disagree with you and you are comfortable when you disagree with others.

Assertiveness includes the ability to say, "No", for example, if someone asks you if you would like to go for coffee and you prefer not to, then say no. If you are assertive when you communicate with others, you are less likely to mull over bad choices you feel you were coerced into and that you shouldn't have made.

You may find that the more you make use of an assertiveness style, the higher your self esteem may be.

Jesus said, "But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be 'No.' Whatever is more than these is of the evil one." (Matthew 5:37 WEB)

Link to related articles:

A follow on article: Assertiveness: the ability to say "No"
I discovered this website which has articles about required leadership skills: Leadership Skills You Need

Education is Key to Life: Leadership Skills for Everyone

Do you want to change your life? Perhaps you feel life is a boring routine, or maybe you constantly repeat patterns you wish you could break free from, or else you are stuck in poverty and have no idea how to break the cycle. Or perhaps you are working in a job you dislike and you never followed your true calling and there's no time to even think of planning a different future.

Well, you have made it through to the right door. This blog contains many topics that I hope will provide inspiration and strategies to a different future. I believe that education is key to change. And not only education that comes from memorising a set of facts at school, but education on basic life skills, which encompasses leadership skills. I have already blogged about concepts such as this in previous topics, and over the coming weeks I plan to focus on topics like assertiveness, conflict management, communication skills, defining your personal set of values, emotional intelligence and more. Many of these skills I learnt when I attended short courses at a management training college when I worked for a large organisation. Some of the topics I plan to blog about were reserved for upper echelons of management, yet when I learnt about them I thought, wow, I wish I had known some of these principles sooner as they help with life. Many people do learn about, for example, successful conflict management if they grow up in families where this is successfully modelled by the parents, but many other children grow up in families where conflict management means a physical beating or where it is avoided.

When you read about some of the skills you might think, that's so obvious, yet often many struggle to quantify these skills and seeing some of these principles simply stated makes it so much easier to put into practice. Something I have discovered is that often what seems simple to many, is the very key people have been searching for.

I have realised though that I may sometimes explain things differently to how others would explain them, so please mull over what I say and see if you can turn it around to fit your situation. Maybe I have already provided some keys earlier in this blog, or even in my first book which is easier to read than my blog--it's free to read at the moment on issuu, just look for the link on one of the pages on my blog.

Often There is Room For More Than One Right Answer

"Can anyone explain to me what an even number is and what an odd number is?" the teacher asks.
Hands shoot into the air, many seven year olds eager to show they know the answer.
The teacher points at one sandy haired boy. He smiles and says proudly, "Well, an even number is, for example, 10 and if you break it into two equal parts you get 5 each".
The teacher stares at him for hardly a moment and says scornfully, "No, that's not an even number" She explains the concept in a different way, saying an even number gets bigger in twos, and then writes a few even numbers and a few odd number on the board.

I mull over what has just happened. I realise the boy was trying to say you are able to divide an even number in half and the result is a whole number, which is indeed what an even number is. The teacher used different words to explain the same concept, yet thought the boy's answer was wrong as she just did not understand his use of language. The teacher may have even thought the boy was stupid because of the way he explained the concept, yet perhaps he understood the concept better than any other child there. I said to him afterwards, sometimes people don't understand what others are saying, and he said "Yes" in reply with a serious look on his face. I hope, if he experiences this problem a few times in coming years, that he is able to learn to live in a world that may struggle to understand his point of view.

I wonder, how often do we miss what someone else is trying to say because we are so focused on the way something has always been done, that we miss seeing an enlightening new possibility. Often there is room for more than one right answer. Sometimes the people we laugh at may actually be ahead of us, not behind.

What Does a Second Chance Look Like?

I believe in giving people second chances. I know that God gives people second chances. But what does a second chance look like in the world we live in?

For example, perhaps you said and did quite a few wrong things to your colleagues at work and your manager fired you. You now have to find another company that will hire you, but your record says that you were fired. Or it is even possible that you approach your previous manager again after a few months, wholly repentant, and you ask for another opportunity to prove your worth. In any of these scenarios, you will count yourself fortunate if you are given a second chance to work in that line of work again and to make things work out.

But what will your second chance look like? Your record shows the mistakes that you are prone to make and perhaps you are prone to repeat patternd of behaviour you are unable to shake. Perhaps you are even unable to totally see where you are going wrong, but you know something is amiss and needs to change. Your second chance may be couched in tough terms, for example, the manager may say you may work here, but these are the conditions you must work under and after three months we will give you more freedom in your role, but this is a necessary probation period to prove that you have changed. Will you take this opportunity, which is a seocnd chance, though it might look like a set of confining conditions, or do you walk away?

Second chances in this world don't necessarily mean all is forgiven and the slate is wiped clean and you are free to start from scratch again. People may have been hurt. People have long memories. Second chances sometimes mean you have to prove yourself and to start below where you started out initially. You have to earn trust. You have to show you are repentant and that you have changed.

Don't waste the second chances you are given because they seem to have too strict conditions attached. You were at fault and you need to make amends and to work for your freedom. People may understand that you have been through a tough life and that you may have patterns that need to change, but they will not accept, at least not more than a few times, continual negative patterns of destructive behaviour that impact others. You have a choice--you can change. Recognise that this opportunity may never come your way again and work hard to show you can break through the barriers of the past, and change your limiting behaviour patterns. Grab hold of your second chances when they come your way.

Lesson From Bella--Being Unaware of Wrongdoing

In my blog post titled, Lesson From Bella--Just Stay Where You Are, I mentioned that Bella the dog sneaks onto a softer blanket than her designated blanket at any opportunity, yet when I find her there and get angry because she has moved there yet again, she cowers as if unaware of what she has done. Surely this time she must know that she has done wrong, I think, yet still Bella cowers and stays put until I pick her up and carry her back to her blanket. I have realised that if she truly did know that she was doing wrong, she would show guilt and run back to her own blanket as soon as she saw me walk into the room.

I have realised that the same concept may apply to people, for example, I might think someone is deliberately being tardy if he or she is always late for meetings; it is easy to draw the conclusion that the person is doing this deliberately and wilfully, especially if it is a pattern of regular behaviour. Yet assumptions are dangerous and I need to check my assumption with the person concerned. More importantly, I should tell the person exactly what is bothering me, or the situation may continue unchecked and may be detrimental to both of us eventually. And there may be valid reasons for the person constantly arriving late. A general statement in the office that states that people must be on time might not  resolve the problem, for the person might genuinely believe that being five minutes late is on time.

So often we see slights against us or we assume deliberate malignant behaviour, yet perhaps most of the time people are innocent and oblivious to their own faulty patterns of behaviour. Clarifying assumptions and clear communication might avoid much hurt later.

The Problem with Money When Motivating For Charity

Fictitious case study: Volunteers decide to start a charity out of compassion for people. The charity grows so big it is able to begin to pay the volunteers for their time. People move into positions of power. They ask for volunteers to keep running the tasks that help the community directly. Paid employees do the "real work", like data reports and admin. The charity influences the government to cut social security payments, so people in the community can go back to work and rely on them less, but what really happens is that the demand for the charity's services grow. The charity now puts out word that they need more funding. Most of the funding goes to keep the charity's staff employed. Volunteers keep running the community services.

This is  a hypothetical situation and there are many wonderful charities out there, with wonderful intentions, but there may also be some organisations out there where there good intentions are a front for self interest.  Hopefully we will be able to tell the difference.

Challenges:

• How does one ensure that most of the funding given to charities goes to the people in the community who need it, not to support the charity's structures?

• How do you ensure that volunteers are still willing to give time when they see people around them being paid to do the same tasks that they do, or sometimes even less work? Or do you make it a rule to pay all or none?

• Awareness  of the dynamics that exist between organisations and their network structures, e.g. between this charity and government. If a charity can influence government decisions, why did they make the request to cut people's source of money? Was it to do good to the community, or to assist themselves?

Lesson From Bella--Just Stay Where You Are

We have a small dog called Bella. I have written about her before. Bella loves to lie on soft blankets. I will often spread out a blanket for her to lie on, usually on the couch, so that she can be part of the family life inside. The problem with Bella is that she is not satisfied staying on that blanket. She will sometimes wait until I am out of the room and then sneak into another spot, often onto a softer blanket. When she does this, I tell her she is a bad dog for not listening and I expect her to act as if she is guilty and to move, yet usually she cowers where she is and doesn't seem to understand what she has done wrong. I guess from her point of view, she was merely moving to where it seemed warmer, and then I came in and began to yell at her for no reason that she understood. This is like wondering why someone keeps doing the same thing wrong over and over, but have you ever explained to the person what he or she was doing wrong? Maybe the person has no idea! Of course, if Bella keeps doing this, I'm going to send her outside or to another spot where she can't get onto the other blankets, so she should have remained where she was.

Something else that Bella will sometimes do is get up from where she was lying down quite comfortably, to see what I am doing in the kitchen. Normally I am not doing much that would interest her, and then I get irritated when I see Bella hovering, watching me, so I open the kitchen door and let her out. Of course she didn't really want to go outside, she wanted to see what I am doing, in case she missed something, and I might hear her whining outside to be let in a short while later. If only she would understand that she should remain where she is in the first place, as it is much more comfortable, than to make a nuisance of herself.


So, on the one hand, Bella sneaks off to find a more comfortable spot, or on the other hand, she sneaks off to see what other people are up to. Both times, if she only stayed where she was, she might be happier. I guess there is a lesson for people in that too!

Preventing Childhood Sexual Abuse

I read an article today that said that consensual sex between a child and an adult is not really rape--I can vaguely see why this man would say this, because he thought the child went along with what he wanted. But did the child really? A child does not normally go around wanting to have sex with adults. A child has no concept of sex unless this is taught to the child by someone else, be this by an adult, from a growing up program at school (leading to experimentation), or from other children. So, somehow, the child thought or learnt that this behaviour would be rewarded. I would suggest that if someone has what he terms, "consensual sex" with a child, that that someone was devious enough to manipulate such a child into rewarding sexual behaviour, perhaps for treats or by giving and withholding love.

If you ask most children, do you want to try this, be it anything, the child will agree, often not knowing what is to come. Children have a real desire to please adults. What happens when a child is asked to show their privates to a trusted adult? Some will agree. Not all of them, but then these children are excluded from further grooming if there are other children available as targets. If there are no other targets, for example, in a closed family environment, the perpetrator might try just the harder to convince the child to trade favours. All the while, the perpetrator will make sure the child keeps a secret and also that the child knows that he or she is party to this deviant behaviour, so that the child feels enough shame and guilt to keep quiet. Often a child will keep quiet because there is genuine love for the perpetrator and the child does not want him or her to get into trouble.

What can be done? Firstly, all child sexual abuse is wrong. If you are approached by a child sexually, make sure you  ignore the behaviour. Don't be fooled into thinking the child truly desires sex, especially if puberty hasn't hit. Make sure you report the behaviour too. Sometimes this behaviour can be learnt innocently on the playground, because children do have a fascination for differences, or else it could have been learnt from an older child (this could even be an abused child), but what if it was learnt by an adult's approach? Secondly, teach your child to say a firm, "no!" if approached. Perpetrators choose their targets carefully, and a child who is firm about boundaries will likely be safer. Thirdly, never condone sexual acts on children!

The Devil Is In the Details--Musing on Interpretation

I've wondered about the expression, the devil is in the details. Today I read in Wikipedia that a similar expression is, God is in the detail. So, right from the beginning of my blog article, I spot a difference of interpretation!

I grew up in a family home that God was not part of. Sundays were days to go and visit family. Church was ignored. I changed my beliefs only a few short years ago in my adult years and began to go to church. I became fixated on which denomination was the right one for me. And then I tried to volunteer at the first church I attended in earnest and found this was a difficult thing to do. Why?! I understand now that I was perhaps too impatient and did not understand cultural norms, but that particular church did not feel right for me then, especially when a Pastor ignored my questioning this, and I walked on. I began to attend a few churches, to see which one felt right. None did. For example, I wondered why none of the churches emphasised the Ten Commandments. This was important to me, something I kept as a marker in the back of my mind, perhaps a holdover from attending Catholic Church a few times with my mom. I brought the topic up in a training course for new Christians at the next church, one I was invited to and which I then decided on, and they said The Law was done away with for new Christians. I didn't know what they meant: of course I was not going to celebrate Passover, but surely the Ten Commandments was still important? So I began to attend a church that kept the Saturday Sabbath, because maybe that was what the Ten Commandments was trying to tell me. And then an elderly person I met there died of cancer, and I felt lost again, and in addition I wondered why they collected money on the Sabbath, for Jewish people do not collect money on their Saturday Sabbath, and after that I lost my desire to celebrate Saturday Sabbath. So I was back to wondering which church was right for me. I decided to go back to one I left. It is difficult to find a church if you have not grown up as part of a particular denomination. In fact, I discovered people questioned why I wanted to attend some of the churches I did, because they seemed to find it odd that I would just arrive out of nowhere. I think I have settled on a church now and I pray God leads the way for me.

In all of the above, I see that the devil may be in the detail. One can say one follows God, but are the Ten Commandments important, or aren't they? Is the name of God, Jehovah and/or Yahweh, or should we just say God or LORD or Lord? And some people say Jesus is Yahweh and some say He is the Son of God, not to be confused with Yahweh, God the Father. So, the devil may be in the details, because these details can lead us astray from following God. In many ways I wish I could but say, I am a Christian and I follow the Bible the best way I can, and there are no denominations, only churches with different cultures and their own different ways of interpreting the Bible, but the Bible is the real cornerstone. Yet, even Bibles have different translations, and I learnt recently that the original Hebrew that used to have written YHWH (Yahweh) and Adonai was replaced by LORD and Lord respectively. I used to think Lord and LORD were the same, just the one with more of an emphasis, but they actually reference the names of different divinities  Should I therefore just use the word God so I don't go wrong? But I was once present in a room where many people took an oath under God, and there were many different religions present--they were taking oaths to different Gods. I would like to know my God by name.

Just as the devil may be in the details, God is also in the detail, because there is untruth and somehow, somewhere, there is also God's truth.

Father God in Heaven, I pray that from this moment on, you lead us into truth, so we may worship you in spirit and in truth. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

My Personal Brand: a Different View of Life

I missed attending a short training course I was told about called "Building a Personal Brand", but it is a topic I have thought about and it has relevance for me as a writer.

How would I describe my personal brand to my readers? I write about different ways to view everyday subjects and thereby a change in perception. I write about my view of the world, which is often very different from the norm. I write about all I have learnt on my own journey, much of this from leadership skills trainig courses, yet I see that this information learnt is of relevance to everyone, not only to leaders. And I see that I write about what people are normally advised to steer clear of. I write about the things I see that irritate me and where I think things should be different. I write about religion and sometimes about politics, though not politics from a political party point of view, just things that I see as possibly pertaining to politics, for example, that I disagree with majority votes or my views on discimination. In short, what I write is personal opinion.

A book expert once asked me, how am I qualified to write about the topics that I do write about. My first reaction was to go on the defensive, as I felt on the backfoot, and to retaliate with my expertise: I mentioned that I have a degree with a major in psychology and that I have attended a number of short personal leadership courses, but yet I realise that this did not really qualify. For me to be seen as an expert, I would need to study more. But would a postgraduate degree really make a difference to who I already am? Ultimately, no, though many of my ideas are fluid and change as I gain new insights. I hope the ideas can stand on their own, irrespective of who I actually am, and for my readers to ponder and come to their own insights. I see myself as a catalyst for change, as people may disagree with what I write, but then this may spark additional views and insight.

What is important to me is that I write about what I know. I am qualified to write about my topics because I have lived them. I have not researched my topics extensively, in fact when I first began to write, I made a point to steer clear of research so I could write what I know and how I see things without being influenced by others. Of course, I did not come to these insights alone and I have read widely and some of what I write about may have been part of my psychology studies too, but I don't always remember which parts were, because the knowledge is an innate part of me now and is the sum total of my experiences.

I may research my topics more extensively to write further books, especially as I would like to put down some of the key learnings I found useful. Hopefully I will get there someday.

My personal brand is life; complicated and oft painful life as I see it through my own lenses of perception. I hope you may find some of your own insights through my viewpoints. I would love to take a journey with all who read my thoughts and thereby to expand my perception to greater insights in future.

Link to related blog articles:
What is the business case for my blog?
Who do I write to?
Why did I write my (first) book?

What Others May Say

How often are we influenced by what others may say, be this the media or the opinions of other people?

I happened upon a website slamming a church I had thoughts of attending. I read the comments on the website aghast--so many people uniting together to warn people away, each one telling a personal tale of bad experiences. Yet, when I read some of the stories I thought, most of these deal with insinuations only, or interpretations of specific Pastor's sermons which I thought seemed to have been twisted. For example, someone would say, the church's financial fund is a problem, but there were no facts to back this up. I decided I would rather ignore what I read and decide for myself. But still, I find myself hearkening back to some of the words. I discovered that it is very difficult to ignore something one finds out about someone or an organisation, even if one might say one ignores gossip. Yet, are the statements truth or not? In the interim, I have discovered many other churches have websites warning against them.

I can say anything about anyone, especially if it's done in secret, and who can refute my allegations? Yet my words may spread and taint other people's views of the person or organisation. Perhaps what I have said has been in good faith, because I truly fear and wish to warn people away, or it could be said from an impure motive. This can happen to me too. It could happen to you.

Often there is an element of truth in what is said, for example, perhaps a person did have a bad experience with someone at the church mentioned previously, but it doesn't mean the entire church is like that. Or there could be a perception problem due to a cultural mismatch between both parties. When there are many saying the same thing, then one does need to be more aware that this might be truth and time will tell.

How does one deal with untrue allegations? Often there is not much one can do, besides to ignore what is being said and wait for truth to come to light. Sometimes you may not even know that allegations have been made, but you might see the symptoms of these in people's behaviour towards you. If you react badly to an untrue allegation, for example, by shouting that you are being bullied, then this might lend credence to the bully's allegations. I would suggest that if you suspect gossip, but don't know the content, then ignore this as you can only take action if you have something to take action against. If you do know what the content is, then perhaps a statement to the contrary might help, to say you deny what is being said. But don't act as if you are guilty, because people might think you are. In the church's case, I would recommend they post a statement saying that they refute the allegations and that they take exception to anonymous defamation, but then again, perhaps they don't want to give the website more visibility than it currently has by pointing this out.

Implicit Meaning Versus Explicit Statements

I have realised that people have a tendency to assume a question has been asked, or a request made, when often something has only been implied. This has implications particularly in bullying situations, because often we listen to the implied message, yet no real message has been explicitly stated, making it easy for us to be manipulated.

It is difficult for me to think of real world examples to illustrate what I mean, but a simple example might be, "If I were you I would leave here and not come back". The person who is one the receiving end of this might assume that he or she has been ordered to leave, especially if someone in authority says something like this, but this is only an implied statement. If the person saying this had said instead, "You must leave", then that would be an explicit order. But the initial statement carries an implied meaning only and is akin to manipulation. If you listen to a statement like this, and in this case do leave, then you make the other person's job easy, because the person can refute that he or she ever asked you specifically to leave and you are reading in meaning that was not explicitly stated.

Another simple example of this phenomenon might be if a friend says, "When are you going to that new coffee place that opened?" and you then assume you must invite the person to go for coffee with you to the place mentioned, and perhaps this is what the person might want you to do, but stop and ask yourself, have they actually asked that? Answer the question and do not read more than that into what is being asked. Wait for someone to ask directly, instead of making an assumption. Your assumption could be something the other person was fishing for, but you could also be off the mark and this could lead to embarrassment.

Reading into statements does have some advantages. If someone says, I have a family member who is ill, and then says lets gather together for prayer, the person likely would like prayer for his or her own family member. Try to ask to be sure. But don't blindly assume this is what was meant.

Open and clear communication is best, but make sure you enforce this too from your side, by listening for meaning.

Being Told to Leave Because You Disrupt Team Dynamics

I have seen and experienced many a time that teams will kick out a person for causing waves because they say it keeps the peace. Sometimes the reason is because an ethical person is bullied by unethical team members and the person decides to push back, not allowing this to happen.

If you do this for a team without addressing underlying core issues, you are then stuck with some team members who are corrupt, and who might cause more problems for you later on.

What happens if these same unethical people begin to bite the hands that feed them, because they see this as a better option? Such people will go with the flow and keep the peace only when it suits them and they easily jump ship.

Rather, uncover the truth behind a situation. You may discover there is danger within and save your organisation from much distress later.

The Danger of Stereotypes

Why do we continue to speak in stereotypes and fail to see individuals?

If we see people as individuals, we may realise that the children we see around us today are not the same people as in yesterday's history, as many of these children are just as much the victims of the actions of their ancestors. And we might realise that not all the people of history long past were bad people either, even if they looked the same as each other.

Adam and Eve and Types of People

I thought to myself this morning, it is totally believable that all types of people have a same common ancestor in Adam and Eve.

Just think of the example of dogs: All breeds of dogs originate from the same basic genetic pool, I have read. Put the different types of dogs next to each other, from a tiny Chihuahua all the way through to a Great Dane and many varieties in between--many different colours, long hairs, short hairs, hair-less, wrinkled dogs. The same is true for cows or sheep or rabbits and many animals that man owns. There is usually a common ancestor of all of these many different varieties of animals who are of so many different shades and sizes due to targeted breeding.

Do the same with different ethnic groups of people. The most differentiated we are from each other is skin colour, eye shape, hair, and sometimes body length (for example, think of the Maasai and the Pygmy peoples in Africa.

Suddenly people seem very much the same. The tower of Babel makes sense.

I hope no-one finds this offensive, I just sat here today and thought, wow, we are so alike, surely we can see ourselves as the same and learn to get along better.

Heart's Destiny

It's never too late to start life anew...well, within reason of course.

My parents could not afford to send me to university or technikon after school, so I missed out on doing a job I had set my heart on since childhood. When I left school I was forced into working in a job where I hadn't planned to be, and I was always looking towards the future to when I could begin to study towards my dream. And then it was years later and I was still waiting and my heart changed and I never did follow my dream. But all the experience I have gained through the years has now helped me to write the book I am busy with. God restores.

My book may never be successful, but I am following my heart now. The only thing I should still do, is study how to write well, as I have never studied the art of writing!

Yet I wonder, if I pause to actually study the craft of writing, I might just never get this book written. Now that is irony.

To Love and Spread Love

I once encountered a boy who had the brightest of smiles. His laugh was infectious. His eyes lit up. But he was paralysed by his exterior, chained in a body captive by cerebral palsy.

Cerebral Palsy presents differently in different people, and for this young lad, it meant he could not walk, or talk, or control his movements. He was totally dependent on those around him to supply all his needs, for example, he needed to be fed, bathed, clothed, and moved. Most strangers thought he was unintelligent, and spoke around him as if he did not exist. Imagine what it must be like for you to hear and understand everything being said around you, often decidedly negative comments, and to be unable to respond, unable to say something back in defence? To have no real voice of your own? To lie immobile while the hours tick past, day after day, week after week, year after year? To see your playmates grow up alongside you and see your potential self reflected in them? To be able to run in your imagination only? How significant was this child’s inner world to him: his imagination, his mind?

Yet this child wrote about his love for others, especially his family. He was filled with inner strength and love for God. He wrote about how grateful he was for what he had and said he could rise above any circumstance that came his way, and he said that you can too, we all can. Nothing is impossible, only our mindsets hold us back.

We Can All Learn From His Example

These are just a few of the life lessons that I believe honour this young man’s legacy:

• Smile: This boy had a beautiful smile. I was captivated by his life force staring out through his smile.
• Do not judge by the exterior: He was a boy with hopes and dreams just like other children.  He might have had a twisted body racked by pain, but he had dreams, and hopes, and wanted to run and play and free his mind, and what a brilliant mind he had.
• Accept others for who they are: See past the outward behaviour and the exterior. This child accepted others, even those who ignored him. Some people saw him as worthless, but others who knew his heart and mind saw him as beautiful.
• Everyone has something to give: For some, it is dancing. For others, it is writing. Each person has talents to use, that help make the world a better place. This lad wrote a book. He loved and spread love.
• The value of a positive mindset: In spite of all the challenges he faced, he wrote about his inner peace and positive hope for the future. He made things happen in spite of adversity. Search for your own peace. Perhaps it is having faith in your own abilities and knowing you will be able to triumph in any circumstance that life throws at you?
• Use your strengths: This young man had a brilliant mind, though his body kept him captive. He was empowered by his writing and his vision for others.
• It is better to develop strengths than focus on weaknesses: Though he would never walk, he had an undiscovered talent in his mind, which he was able to free by writing, and when he was able to do this, hopes became realities.
• Listen: Some people do not have a voice. Be sensitive to what people are saying, even if they cannot say it properly, or at all. Watch for hidden messages in body language. Look for pain when people are hiding behind their masks. See joy when passion is alight.
• Happiness in acceptance: Throughout all of his experiences, he never complained, he accepted his life for what it was, and enjoyed his moments. He believed in God and praised Him for giving him life. He loved.
• Your hurts can help others: This young man did not want his story to be repeated in other people’s lives unnecessarily and he took action through writing. He wanted to give hope and a voice to the voiceless. He dreamed of creating a better world for all. This child's life was tragically cut short before he became an adult, but his legacy lives on. Your own story has strength to help others. The hurdles you have overcome are a testimony to light the way for other people. I believe God can turn your obstacles into opportunities (see the chapter called “Love and Happiness”, the section called “Obstacles, Opportunities, and Managing Expectations”).
• Everyone has purpose: You might see your purpose as small, but everyone adds something to this world. No matter what you do, see yourself as part of the big picture, moving towards a wonderful future vision, and the insignificant becomes significant.

Hope for All Who Have Dreams to Live

This young man’s story is about happiness in spite of circumstance. We can all learn from his life and wonder at his upbeat peaceful mindset. His personal tale shows his triumph over circumstance, and how mindsets and opportunity taken are some of the keys to happiness in life. You may not feel you are successful in life, and success means different things to different people, but you can find happiness in your own identity, and can make sure you honour your own purpose.

Let us look with fresh eyes at people who have physical or intellectual challenges, and allow them a chance to reveal their talents and purpose and to live their dreams. Allow this child’s legacy to live on in a message of hope for all. His story provides inspiration for all who still have dreams to live.

Acclaim May Be Separate From Worth

What defines worth? I see worth as the innate value of something or someone, be it realised value, or still to be realised value, which is potential.

Take the example of two music bands. Both may have been forged during childhood by a group of friends who started by thrashing out a few sounds together after school. They played together in garages and spare rooms and eventually progressed to the school stage. Each was ecstatic when they recorded their first demo CD and began to send these out to be noticed. One group found success with the first producer who listened to them and he gave them a recording contract. They recorded their first official CD and this played to worldwide acclaim and reached number one on music charts within a short space of time. The other group was ignored by people time after time. This music band did not ever get the break they were hoping for. Their best success was found in packed smoky pubs, playing to mesmerised audiences. They began to lose hope that their music was of value. How could they be worth much if no-one paid attention? Yet, unbeknownst to them, they had a unique sound and were incredibly talented. This band might potentially have been more successful than the first band if they had been given that same initial chance to be heard.

Do you judge your self-worth based on the opinions of other people? Just because you may be overlooked or ignored by one person, or even by many people, does not mean you are worth any less than someone else who has found acclaim. You may be worth more than you might ever dream possible. Look to God for the real measure of your worth. God loves everyone. Everyone has purpose.

Link to related blog article:
Sing, Sing a Song 

Note: Chapter two of my first book is changing slightly--it has always been focused on worth, but this was not explicitly stated and I am therefore making a few small changes to the book before rereleasing it, for example, my own personal testimony which was previously part of the chapter will be moving to the end of the book as an addendum.