What Is Love? (Unconditional Acceptance)

Jesus said you must love your neighbour as you love yourself (Matthew 22:39). Firstly, what does it mean to love yourself? I am sure this does not mean an egotistical, boasting type of love, but more to be self accepting and confident and to be yourself. And then, what does it mean to love a neighbour? Jesus gave the example of the good Samaritan (read blog article: The Samaritan Who Helped a Stranger), a story of a Jewish person who lay injured at the side of the road and who was ignored by a few people who passed him by, someone even crossing over to the other side of the road to avoid dealing with the problem in front of him, until a Samaritan came along, and he happened to be a person of another race. The Samaritan did all he could to help the injured man; he transported him to an inn on his donkey and paid for his board and lodging until the person was fully healed. Jesus could have used the example of any other person and any other race; He happened to use the example of a Samaritan, probably as there was division between Jewish people and Samaritan people in those days and the two types of people usually avoided any contact with each other.

Jesus used this example of the Samaritan helping a total stranger to show us what love is. Unconditional love. The Samaritan did not ask for anything in return. He did not want the injured stranger to repay him. He did not check to see if the man deserved his help first and was of good character. He merely saw that the injured man needed help and he gave him the help that he could. Did you notice that the Samaritan person did not attempt to keep in contact with the injured person afterwards? There was no emotional connection, merely compassion for someone who was injured and he helped him until he no longer needed assistance and then the Samaritan was on his way.

Unconditional love. Unconditional acceptance. How does this translate to modern society? Imagine seeing someone who is homeless--do you offer the person a room at your house until the person finds a job? It is a difficult question because of the world we currently live in and the many horror stories one might hear of kindness being repaid with harm, so one does need to be careful as you know nothing of the person and whether or not the person presents a danger, though I have heard amazing stories of people doing such kind acts. Perhaps you might offer a place to stay if you own a vacant rental property, for example. There are risks involved when you deal with strangers on a personal level and I would suggest instead that someone who is homeless is put into contact with an organisation who could help (hopefully there is an organisation available in the country concerned). I am a big believer in ensuring charities exist who can help all people, regardless of plight.

How might you help, personally? Imagine if you see someone in need, perhaps someone new to your church or community, and you give the person your time to listen? You do not need to befriend the person, though of course the person may be searching for friends and might perceive your kindness as friendship. To avoid becoming tangled in a friendship you may not want, even though you would like to help, it is important to state your boundaries up front. You may say, I am here to listen if you need someone to talk to and I will meet with you if you would like some of my time, but I cannot be friends with you as I am struggling as it is to keep up with my current relationships.

Does this sound harsh? I believe it is best to be honest and this may avoid problems later if the person becomes demanding. Remember, you know nothing about the person. Perhaps the person won't become a nuisance, but perhaps the person might. This is akin to counselling. I believe professional healing relationships work because of the perceived unconditional acceptance of the relationship. If you go for counselling, you meet with someone who is a total stranger at first and is someone who listens to you and who you begin to feel really understands and accepts you as you are. The counsellor does not judge you, but many counsellors may offer advice and will also tell you if your behaviour is unacceptable, for example, if you try to phone at 2am in the morning you will find the counsellor will not respond and may chat with you later to tell you which hours are acceptable hours to phone. In such healing relationships, manipulative behaviour has no place and such behaviour is usually dropped in favour of a genuine transactional relationship. The relationship is time bound, until the counsellor sees you no longer need therapy. You may grieve the loss of your counsellor, but the person is usually available again if you feel you need to return to therapy, unless of course the counsellor has moved on, as people do in life.

Think of God.; God gives unconditional love and acceptance. Isn't this the most powerful healing relationship there is? God will not accept your bad behaviour and will guide you to change, but He will always accept you.

Filling In the Gaps

Have you thought about how often we fill in the gaps? And by doing so how wrong we can be, or how easy it is to change the truth of an event?

What do I mean? Take the example of seeing a woman crying on the side of the road as a man hovers over here, looking angry and he then speeds off in his car. You might assume any number of scenarios, for example, they have had an argument and he has dumped her on the side of the road and left her there to make her own way back home. What if truth was very different, for example, perhaps she made a reckless dash across the road directly in front of his path and he swerved to avoid her, almost hitting a child in the process, and he then stopped to shout at her for endangering people's lives?

I have realised we often may also fill in the gaps when we speak about everyday occurrences. An example might be if you have an accident in your car and realise you have narrowly avoided slamming into a cyclist and you watch in relief as she walks away wheeling her bicycle. When you talk about the incident, you might say she walked down the road and you didn't see her and you collided with her bicycle as you turned the corner. Yet, did you actually see her walk down the road wheeling her bicycle? Might she have been standing stationary on the island in the middle of the road? Or did she perhaps come flying down the road on her bicycle going in the opposite direction to traffic? The better truth might in fact be more along the lines of, you turned a corner and heard a crash and got a fright as you realised you hit something and you stopped your car and only then did you see a women next to your car looking at you with a shocked expression and you thought you must have hit her bicycle which she was standing next to. And of course, it is entirely possible that you did not even hit her bicycle and instead you hit a sign post next to her on the traffic island. You don't know because you didn't see what actually happened. Yet you filled in the gaps and may have inadvertently changed the truth.

This point is key to eye witness testimony! The tendency to fill in the gaps ourselves is also key to many assumptions we make without even realising we are doing so. Stick with what you know are the facts in relating an event and avoid the tendency to fill in the gaps. The more aware you are that this can happen, the more you will avoid doing so.

Link to related blog article:
The Veracity of Eye Witness Testimony

Bad First Impressions

I am sure you have all felt the lasting effects of a bad first impression. Think about how you treat people you dislike on first impression. Perhaps you once met someone and instantly mistrusted the person and perhaps you are not even sure why, but you avoid the person into the future. To make it worse, when you meet the other person again you may notice the person falling over himself or herself to be nice to you, perhaps as a way to gain your friendship as the other person can sense something amiss. Yet, this only makes you mistrust the person more. Consider, do you have valid reasons why you feel this way about the other person, or have you made a judgement that is not based in fact? I would say judgements in this case may indeed be wrong, but at the same time I would suggest one be careful around another person if something seems amiss and to treat the person from a position of trust neutrality as opposed to blatant mistrust, unless there are facts to back up the mistrust. We cannot like everyone but each person deserves a fair go and to be treated with respect and dignity.

It took me a while to come to this realisation and, ironically, I only really understood the concept because this happened to me. No, it was not the fact that someone acted strangely towards me that caused my moment of revelation, it was when I met someone myself recently who I am now exceedingly wary of. When I see the person behave in a certain way, my past hurtful experiences rise up afresh and I am not sure if I am projecting my past onto this person, or if there truly is something to be wary of. Other people seem very comfortable around the person I now prefer to avoid. I realise I am not going to change my opinion about the person easily and I am polite, but I am on guard.

This experience has been exceedingly helpful so I now understand when I find this same behaviour displayed towards me by other people. I am someone who is very sensitive to vibes from those around me and sometimes I pick up that someone else does not like me. In one particular case I thought someone was comfortable around me, until one of her young children walked up to my child and asked if she was going to an event and when she heard my child say "yes", she turned to her sibling and said "Oh no, I wonder if mom will still let us go?"! I now realise this type of behaviour is not necessarily because I have done anything to inadvertently offend another person; it is not even a factor of another person bullying me or unfair targeting of me; it is often merely that the other person sees something in me that pushes buttons. This could be a discrimination mindset, or a result of gossiping, or perhaps my mannerisms seem as behaviour that would be displayed by a problem person, or perhaps I remind another person of a hurtful someone from their past. And I realise that nothing I may do may change the other person's perception of me. It is best for me to stand firm and to be myself and to find people who like me for me and to ignore and be polite to people who dislike or mistrust me.

This realisation is already helping me in my journey as I can now brush aside any feelings of being misjudged and I can say to myself such reactions are normal and hopefully bad first impressions will change with time. I realise these reactions occur not because there is something wrong with me, I just need to make sure I become friends with people who truly like me for me.

When Good People Do Nothing

I received an email this morning that spoke about how dangerous a particular movement is becoming due to the few problem people within its ranks and they are foisting their desires on the peace loving majority. Comparisons were drawn to events in history where any number of movements were started and which then snowballed when fanatic elements took hold, for example, in Nazi Germany. I am quite sure that most German people during Nazi Germany were very peace loving and would never have wanted to hurt another person, yet how is it that so many years ago the German nation was led by leaders who began to kill other people in what is now called the holocaust and yet hardly anyone said a word in protest? Of course, how could they protest, one might ask, for if they protested they would be killed themselves. Isn't this the process that happens on an individual level when someone is bullied? The only way that the bullies succeed is by careful selection of a weaker target. When the target speaks out, pleas for help fall on deaf ears as the people around who might help, withdraw. They withdraw to keep the peace and to ensure they are not drawn into a complex web of politics, which might make themselves a target too. In so doing, the target is mobbed by people who agree with these unfair actions as well as by people who disagree yet who keep silent. Yet often the people who keep silent are the majority and could easily form an opposing voice against the bully, or against fanatics as happened in Nazi Germany. On the other hand, perhaps in both the case of bullying and fanaticism, including genocide, a part of the silent peaceful majority agrees that the target deserves the treatment they are receiving? It is a sobering thought, as all of us do not know when we might become part of the next target group ourselves. All targeting and discrimination is wrong. Speak out if you see injustice happening, before it is deeply entrenched and accepted behaviour. Good can overcome evil if we never allow evil to flourish. Target unjust behaviour, yet accept all people.

Links to related blog articles:
When Bystanders Look On (contains a high level comparison between bullying and genocide)
The Worrying Steps in the Slippery Slope Towards Genocide 

Telling Someone a Concern and Not Being Listened To

I recently had a concern about a particular person whom I suspect of being a bully at the least and I worry about more drastic personality problems in his interactions with the people in his care.  I discussed my concerns with a professional who I thought might listen and know what to do. What was the professional's first reaction? The professional person I was speaking to defended the other person, without even a hesitation. The professional does not know the other person, except by reputation, but is sure there cannot be a problem and immediately posed plausible explanations for the problem behaviour I saw, though I countered the speculation with different evidence. I have no real proof about my suspicions, except for a few observations in passing and a gut feel. I have resolved I am going to mention this matter once more and hopefully this does not see me being kicked out, as has happened before when I have brought random concerns at other places to light. Have you noticed how we tend to band together in our groups against outside threats, even when the outsider may be speaking truth? Think of church abuse which is hidden over--this happens in many other places too I believe! I need to tread lightly in this matter and then I have to leave the issue at that, because if there is a problem then I believe God will bring it to light.

But this made me wonder, how often do we hear a problem others might bring to us and then we immediately minimise it by saying, don't be silly or wasn't this perhaps what really happened? If someone tells you a deep concern, then that is a real issue for the person concerned! For example, I am not going to accuse someone of being a bully unless I truly believe he or she is. Whether I am right or not is an entirely different matter, but in my heart of hearts this is what I believe and someone laughing my statements off does not honour my concerns in the slightest. In fact I feel stupid now for even mentioning what I did to the professional, but this does not solve my problem, because I am concerned that someone might get hurt in the process by this other person. I suppose an accusation that could be thrown my way is that I have a hidden agenda towards my perceived bully, but then that is assuming guilt on my part without proof either. I realise what I am seeing may be projection based on some of my past bad experiences with similar people, which I mentioned to the particular professional, but what if I am right?

I wondered about a child bringing a problem to light. Would the professional listen to a child? I hope so! What happens if the first thing said to the child is, don't be silly? Do you think the child will mention the concern again? Of course not! In cases of possible child abuse, it is vital to listen to the first time your child tells you there might be a problem, or you will lose trust and the child may never mention the abuse again, ever. I know because I have seen this happen. A child I was aware of went for decades without telling about abuse, even well into adulthood. The context was slightly different though, as the child was believed but then saw an argument ensue as a result of the revelation and probably later kept quiet to avoid becoming embroiled in future arguments and perhaps felt guilty as the cause of a fuss.

I guess speaking out about a gut feel worry can be a complex matter. How does one handle gut feel based on scanty evidence without real proof? What does one do? Who does one speak to? I have to wait and see if anyone else shares a similar concern about the perceived bully sometime. And then, I will not say I was right, I will only feel horrible that the problem could have been brought to light sooner. But now it is no longer my battle to fight. Unless more evidence comes to light that I become aware of, of course!

Link to related blog spot:
Avoiding Childhood Sexual Abuse

What Is the Business Case For My Blog?

Lately I have been wondering if some of my blog posts have gone slightly off topic, after all I started this blog saying I wanted to change perception so that we might see what we are missing or overlooking and to find beauty in unexpected places. Looking back, I see I have written on a myriad of topics, from topics related to changing the way we think, especially about ourselves, to finding emotional healing, through to tackling topics like racism and then on to genocide, which really are both stronger forms of discrimination.

Why did I start writing? Well, one reason is because of the struggles I myself have faced in moving through this world. Life has not been easy for me. I sugarcoated my experiences in my first book, though some might say I was quite honest, but I could have said a lot more. I see my first book as the sum total of my thoughts gleaned from years of working on my personal foibles and my failed thoughts. I see the book as a manual for personal healing. Of course, the principles might not work for everyone, but I dragged myself out the gutter by coming to these insights and I hope some people will be able to make use of the methods I discovered to do so. I still have a long way to go and I suspect I will never feel normal. Unfortunately, that is the result of faulty foundations laid down in childhood. Incidentally, my second book, which is in progress, is similar, but deals more with society as a whole than the personal level. All of the content of my books is available on this blog in an unstructured way.

Perhaps the main reason I write is because I feel judged by society, and some ways to explain this are: Have you ever applied for a job and been turned down without reason? Were you judged on paper before someone even met you? Or perhaps someone did meet you and then a few minutes later you were scorned because of a skewed first impression that you are now not be able to undo? I write because of experiences like these, as that is what I feel happens to me. Why are people so quick to judge one another? Is it because this is what we are taught, or is it innate to human nature? I hope it's taught, as we can then teach each other a different way of thinking and we may then change society from the bottom up, slowly laying new, stronger foundations.

As I have said before, I believe Jesus is the foundation on which to build society, as He preached that people should not judge one another and that we should bless our enemies and spread love for one another.

I hope you do find something to take away from this blog.

Is the Term "Multicultural Society" a Misnomer?

I have seen the term multicultural society used many times in many various ways in Australia. And I wonder to myself, why do people use a term such as multicultural society to refer to Australian society? Is it because we find people living in Australia who originate from different countries and from different ethnic and religious backgrounds? Yet, these people all live in Australia now. When people take the pledge to become Australian citizens, they pledge to adopt Australian beliefs and values, which is one uniting, overarching Australian culture. My expectation therefore is that when people move to Australia they will eventually become part of Australian society and culture.

Of course different people across Australia may indeed have different beliefs and practices on a personal level and a group level, which is also referred to as culture, but I would suggest the country has one uniting cultural background which all people who live in Australia should strive to assimilate towards.

To avoid confusion, I would rather suggest terms like diverse backgrounds, or diverse ethnic origins be used instead, or else say only we are a society that allows a fair go for all, irrespective of personal beliefs and backgrounds, and we unite together as one people: as Australians. 

What do you think? In the long run, I foresee most nations will contain people who look widely different from each other, but I hope that in these countries the individuals concerned can all work together towards being one nation too.

Link to related blog post:
What is culture?