A "Black Swan Event" is when the unexpected occurs, causing a huge mindshift and change in how the world works. People never imagined that Black Swans existed, until the discovery of the first Black Swan... (as per book "The Black Swan", by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, 2007, that sold over 3 million copies)

Is a perception change the next Black Swan Event? Consider that by changing perception we might change the world. Look at everyday things from different angles. Find beauty in the unexpected...
Change our thinking, change our actions, change our world!

See that all people are part of God's puzzle and have something to give. Black swans do exist. The ugly duckling was actually a swan who needed to discover himself and where he fitted and be who he was meant to be. To the last, the lost and the least, you are beautiful as you are.
May all who visit this page feel God's touch and experience His blessing...

Wednesday 2 November 2016

The Story of Tamar and Repeating Patterns of Domestic Violence


This weekend in church, I heard a story that is a good example of the dynamics that occur in domestic violence, specifically incest. The sermon was about Tamar, King David's daughter, who was raped by Amnon, her half-brother. Bearing in mind that this event happened thousands of years ago, what was most amazing is that the same dynamics happen today still, in secrecy and protecting family members who do wrong. Amnon was besotted by Tamar, who was a virgin. Under the pretence of being ill, Amnon got Tamar alone so that she could nurse him back to health with food, and then he forced himself on her and raped her. She begged him not to and said that they could marry to avoid what he planned, but he went ahead anyway. Once he had raped her, he was overcome by an intense hatred for her, and he threw her out of his room. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her robes and went away weeping. When another brother, Absalom, encountered her he guessed what had happened and told her to be quiet for now and said, don’t take this thing to heart. Tamar was then taken in by Absalom, and she remained there in his house, a desolate woman. Her father, King David, was furious when he heard what had happened, but he didn’t punish Amnon. Absalom refused to speak to Amnon after that and murdered his brother two years later. The Pastor pointed out that that one event ruined Tamar’s life, and she felt so bad that she became a desolate woman. The story is contained in 2 Samuel 13.


In Jewish law of the day, if a woman who was pledged to be married was raped in the city then both would be killed, the woman because she should have cried out for help and the man because he violated another man's wife. If the same thing happened in the countryside where no-one could hear the woman cry out for help then the man would be put to death and nothing would happen to the woman because she was considered innocent, in the same way as a murder victim was innocent. However, if a woman who wasn't pledged to be married was raped and then they were discovered, the man needed to marry her and could never divorce her. The thinking for the latter was probably that the woman should also have screamed for help in this case, and the assumption seems to have been that she would have been helped. Another reason may be that the act of rape was an act of consumnation and because the woman wasn't yet pledged to be married the man had then shown he wanted to be her partner and would be burdened by her care afterwards. (I've copied the relevant verses below under References as per Deutoronomy 22).

Some thoughts around Tamar’s story:
·         She left a legacy even though her story is about pain: Tamar's story lives on in the Bible for all time as something we can learn from in patterns of domestic violence as well as the profile of an abuser. In addition, Absalom named his own daughter Tamar too in honour of his sister (2 Samuel 14:27).

·         Shame seemed the biggest problem: The rape itself seemed of lesser importance to Tamar than how people would treat her afterwards if the rape went ahead and a marriage didn’t. Sadly, Tamar never screamed for help during the rape, and this does stand out; perhaps it was because Amnon was her half-brother and she felt the need to protect him. Tamar reasoned logically with Amnon that he could make the problem right for both of them if he married her, but he refused; she was therefore more concerned about the social consequences than physical and emotional pain as a direct result of the rape. At least Tamar was cared for by Absalom afterwards when there seemed no way out of the situation and his concern for her had no legal consequences for himself. Tamar had the culture of the day to contend with and only with a cultural change would she have been truly free.

·         Amnon was the one at fault and used deceit to get what he wanted: Rape was illegal, yet Amnon did it anyway. The actions of Amnon weren't in any way a part of accepted culture and they were seen as wrong. Just because the story is in the Bible doesn't mean the actions were condoned; it was totally against the laws of the day; Tamar would be disgraced because of the laws that applied and Amnon would be considered a wicked fool. Amnon could have married Tamar to sleep with her legally, but he refused - he wanted to violate her, he wanted to destroy her, even if it meant he would be considered wicked and a fool.

“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.” (2 Samuel 13:12-14 NIV)

Amnon only wanted to possess Tamar. He felt lust only, not love. Amnon lusted after Tamar but then he turned on her once he had taken what he wanted from her, which was a typical psychopath's position. The only way for Tamar to recover her honour would have been for her half-brother to marry her to save some face, but he refused to do so. Amnon wanted to destroy her at all costs in the end. Maybe he was jealous of her beauty and position or saw her as a threat. It is an illustration of the verse that says, the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..." Deception seems a common theme in cases of domestic violence. Amnon tricked Tamar to get close to her, pretending to be sick and the one down and out and needing care, but then he ordered everyone that might have protected her to leave and then he raped her; he set a trap and used his authority to ensure it worked. After the rape, Amnon openly flaunted the rules without regard to the consequences, which is another hallmark of psychopathic behaviour. Amnon could have set things right for Tamar. The abuser could have helped Tamar, and in so doing he would have helped himself and his father's household, yet he refused.

·         Few people speak out about abuse: Tamar was so hurt and overcome by what happened that she told people, but no-one did anything. Absalom, the person who knew the most because he guessed the truth and asked Tamar what had happened, kept quiet. Absalom also told Tamar to keep quiet for the moment because Amnon was her brother, and Absalom also said not to take the action to heart. After that Absalom just never spoke to Amnon, neither a good or a bad word. Absalom did wait for an opportunity to take vengeance on Amnon though and murdered him two years later. King David was furious - he didn't just say, oh well it happened, King David was furious – yet he did nothing to punish Amnon. Perhaps if King David had enforced the laws of the day and ensured that Amnon married Tamar as the law said then the story would have ended well for both of these children of his.

·         Mindsets are important in overcoming trauma: Absalom said to Tamar, don’t take this thing to heart. Tamar however was affected by the rape because the Bible says that she was a desolate woman after that. If Tamar had kept quiet for the moment perhaps she might have recovered and dropped her burden. She had the added challenge though of the law of the day to contend with, where a rape victim and the rapist needed to marry to restore her standing in society.

·         Domestic violence (including incest) has been around just as long as murder has: The story illustrates our human, sinful nature and the depths we can sink to. Thankfully we are no longer living in times where rape or sexual abuse means that the victim is an outcast; this does still happen in some sectors around the world, but generally we see a rapist now as the one to punish, not the person who has been raped. We punish criminals, not the victims of crime. Tamar said "no", yet her brother still raped her by force because Amnon had devious intentions and was too strong for her.

·         The Lord must take revenge: Absalom was killed soon after he took matters into his own hands and murdered Amnon. Perhaps if Absalom had waited longer an answer might have become apparent. This story doesn’t mean though that one must keep quiet about abuse or rape; today we have different laws that punish rapists and abusers and these should be upheld. There are laws that man has created to punish wrong doing, and then God also makes situations right. Maybe Tamar’s situation changed after that, but we don't know what the rest of the story was; we don't know what happened to Tamar after Absalom died.

Conclusion:

·         Perhaps speaking out against domestic violence and the ever repeating patterns is one of the answers to stopping it. The patterns that happened in King David’s time are the same patterns that happen today thousands of years later. Abuse thrives in silence and when condoned by those closest to the abuser. Abuse thrives when the abuser is free from punishment. Abuse thrives when possible victims are isolated from ears and eyes that could help and are alone with abusers.

·         We need to say “no” to boundary encroachments. We need to scream for help if someone grabs us and we don’t like it. If we say nothing and allow someone to rape us then we are seen as complicit. I wonder, if Tamar had screamed for help when Amnon had raped her, would he then have been put to death and she been free from retribution as per the countryside laws?

·         It is heartening that we are able to overcome the problems that Tamar faced with God's help. As the Pastor said, this one incident scarred Tamar, but we don't have to remain victims, we can become survivors and overcome any adversity with Jesus' help. At least we are also now free from the laws of Tamar’s day so we don't have to worry about having to marry our rapist, or about being ostracised from society; not legally anyway.

·         Tamar’s story may have had a surprise happy ending because it struck me that Absalom’s daughter was named Tamar, and the Bible says that she was a beautiful woman. And Tamar, his sister, was also a beautiful woman. Could it be possible that Absalom adopted his sister Tamar as his child to be an integral part of his family? Well, that would make a lovely twist.  Imagine how that would change the story; Tamar would go from rape victim who was desolate, to a key woman in the Bible.

References:

Deutoronomy 22 (NIV):
"23 If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, 24 you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death—the young woman because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man’s wife. You must purge the evil from among you.
25 But if out in the country a man happens to meet a young woman pledged to be married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die. 26 Do nothing to the woman; she has committed no sin deserving death. This case is like that of someone who attacks and murders a neighbor, 27 for the man found the young woman out in the country, and though the betrothed woman screamed, there was no one to rescue her.
28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekelsc of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives."

Tuesday 27 September 2016

True love versus tolerance

Is she tame, someone asked recently when told we have a pet rat.

I looked at the woman for a brief moment as a few thoughts flickered through my mind. Then I nodded yes, but thought, how could I explain that the rat behaved as if she loved me when held but all she longed for was freedom. Our rat, Pepper, sat contentedly in my hands and ran up and down my arms, but if I put her down on the floor I knew she would run. The rat had escaped before. When cornered afterwards, she tried desperately to flee my clutches but soon settled down again into my arms. Sometimes I'd see her biting the bars of her cage still longing for freedom. Yes she was tame, but she would prefer to be free and away from me. She could never love me as the question implied.

On the other hand, I have seen many stories of stray dogs who have quickly turned scared and feral when chased by human after human they have approached to seek sanctuary. When trapped, such dogs try all they can to flee. Yet a few safe touches and love for people soon returns. Unlike the rat, most dogs never yearn for freedom and try their best to remain with their families. They hold true love for their human masters.

Such is the nature of the beast. One appears tame under certain conditions of captivity, the other is truly tame. Are you able to discern true love or merely tolerance?