This weekend in church, I heard a story that is a good example of the dynamics that occur in domestic violence, specifically incest. The sermon was about Tamar, King David's daughter, who was raped by Amnon, her half-brother. Bearing in mind that this event happened thousands of years ago, what was most amazing is that the same dynamics happen today still, in secrecy and protecting family members who do wrong. Amnon was besotted by Tamar, who was a virgin. Under the pretence of being ill, Amnon got Tamar alone so that she could nurse him back to health with food, and then he forced himself on her and raped her. She begged him not to and said that they could marry to avoid what he planned, but he went ahead anyway. Once he had raped her, he was overcome by an intense hatred for her, and he threw her out of his room. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her robes and went away weeping. When another brother, Absalom, encountered her he guessed what had happened and told her to be quiet for now and said, don’t take this thing to heart. Tamar was then taken in by Absalom, and she remained there in his house, a desolate woman. Her father, King David, was furious when he heard what had happened, but he didn’t punish Amnon. Absalom refused to speak to Amnon after that and murdered his brother two years later. The Pastor pointed out that that one event ruined Tamar’s life, and she felt so bad that she became a desolate woman. The story is contained in 2 Samuel 13.
In Jewish law of the day, if a woman who was pledged to be married was raped in the city then both would be killed, the woman because she should have cried out for help and the man because he violated another man's wife. If the same thing happened in the countryside where
no-one could hear the woman cry out for help then the man would be put to death and
nothing would happen to the woman because she was considered innocent, in the
same way as a murder victim was innocent. However, if a woman who wasn't pledged to be married was raped and then they were discovered, the man needed to marry her and could never divorce her. The
thinking for the latter was probably that the woman should also have screamed for help in this case, and the assumption seems to have been that she would have been helped. Another reason may be that the act of rape was an act of consumnation and because the woman wasn't yet pledged to be married the man had then shown he wanted to be her partner and would be burdened by her care afterwards. (I've copied the relevant verses below under References as per Deutoronomy 22).
Some thoughts around Tamar’s story:
·
She left a legacy even though her
story is about pain: Tamar's story lives on in the Bible for all time
as something we can learn from in patterns of domestic violence as well as the profile
of an abuser. In addition, Absalom named his own daughter Tamar too in honour
of his sister (2 Samuel 14:27).
·
Shame seemed the biggest problem: The rape itself seemed of lesser importance to Tamar than how people
would treat her afterwards if the rape went ahead and a marriage didn’t. Sadly, Tamar never screamed for help during the rape, and this does stand out; perhaps it was because Amnon was her half-brother and she felt the need to protect him. Tamar reasoned logically with Amnon that he could make the problem right for both of them if he married
her, but he refused; she was therefore more concerned about the social
consequences than physical and emotional pain as a direct result of the rape.
At least Tamar was cared for by Absalom afterwards when there seemed no way out of the
situation and his concern for her had no legal consequences for himself. Tamar
had the culture of the day to contend with and only with a cultural change
would she have been truly free.
·
Amnon was the one at fault and used
deceit to get what he wanted: Rape was illegal,
yet Amnon did it anyway. The actions of Amnon weren't in any way a part of
accepted culture and they were seen as wrong. Just because the story is in the
Bible doesn't mean the actions were condoned; it was totally against the laws
of the day; Tamar would be disgraced because of the laws that applied and Amnon would be considered a wicked
fool. Amnon could have married Tamar to sleep with her legally, but he refused - he wanted to violate
her, he wanted to destroy her, even if it meant he would be considered wicked
and a fool.
“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.” (2 Samuel 13:12-14 NIV)
“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.” (2 Samuel 13:12-14 NIV)
Amnon only wanted to possess Tamar. He felt lust only, not love. Amnon
lusted after Tamar but then he turned on her once he had taken what he wanted
from her, which was a typical psychopath's position. The only way for Tamar to
recover her honour would have been for her half-brother to marry her to save
some face, but he refused to do so. Amnon wanted to destroy her at all costs in
the end. Maybe he was jealous of her beauty and position or saw her as a threat.
It is an illustration of the verse that says, the thief comes only to steal and
kill and destroy..." Deception seems a common theme in cases of domestic
violence. Amnon tricked Tamar to get close to her, pretending to be sick and
the one down and out and needing care, but then he ordered everyone that might
have protected her to leave and then he raped her; he set a trap and used his
authority to ensure it worked. After the rape, Amnon openly flaunted the rules
without regard to the consequences, which is another hallmark of psychopathic behaviour.
Amnon could have set things right for Tamar. The abuser could have helped Tamar,
and in so doing he would have helped himself and his father's household, yet he
refused.
·
Few people speak out about abuse: Tamar was so hurt and overcome by what happened that she told people, but
no-one did anything. Absalom, the person who knew the most because he guessed
the truth and asked Tamar what had happened, kept quiet. Absalom also told Tamar
to keep quiet for the moment because Amnon was her brother, and Absalom also said not to take the
action to heart. After that Absalom just never spoke to Amnon, neither a good
or a bad word. Absalom did wait for an opportunity to take vengeance on Amnon though
and murdered him two years later. King David was furious - he didn't just say,
oh well it happened, King David was furious – yet he did nothing to punish
Amnon. Perhaps if King David had enforced the laws of the day and ensured that
Amnon married Tamar as the law said then the story would have ended well for
both of these children of his.
·
Mindsets are important in
overcoming trauma: Absalom said to Tamar, don’t take this thing to
heart. Tamar however was affected by the rape because the Bible says that she
was a desolate woman after that. If Tamar had kept quiet for the moment
perhaps she might have recovered and dropped her burden. She had the added
challenge though of the law of the day to contend with, where a rape victim and
the rapist needed to marry to restore her standing in society.
·
Domestic violence (including
incest) has been around just as long as murder has: The story illustrates our human, sinful nature and the depths we can
sink to. Thankfully we are no longer living in times where rape or sexual abuse
means that the victim is an outcast; this does still happen in some sectors
around the world, but generally we see a rapist now as the one to punish, not
the person who has been raped. We punish criminals, not the victims of crime.
Tamar said "no", yet her brother still raped her by force because
Amnon had devious intentions and was too strong for her.
·
The Lord must take revenge: Absalom was killed soon after he took matters into his own hands and murdered
Amnon. Perhaps if Absalom had waited longer an answer might have become
apparent. This story doesn’t mean though that one must keep quiet about abuse
or rape; today we have different laws that punish rapists and abusers and
these should be upheld. There are laws that man has created to punish wrong
doing, and then God also makes situations right. Maybe Tamar’s situation changed
after that, but we don't know what the rest of the story was; we don't know
what happened to Tamar after Absalom died.
Conclusion:
·
Perhaps speaking out against domestic violence and
the ever repeating patterns is one of the answers to stopping it. The patterns
that happened in King David’s time are the same patterns that happen today
thousands of years later. Abuse thrives in silence and when condoned by those
closest to the abuser. Abuse thrives when the abuser is free from punishment.
Abuse thrives when possible victims are isolated from ears and eyes that could
help and are alone with abusers.
·
We need to say “no” to boundary encroachments. We
need to scream for help if someone grabs us and we don’t like it. If we say
nothing and allow someone to rape us then we are seen as complicit. I wonder,
if Tamar had screamed for help when Amnon had raped her, would he then have been
put to death and she been free from retribution as per the countryside laws?
· It is heartening that we are able to overcome the problems that Tamar faced with God's help. As the Pastor said, this one incident scarred Tamar, but we don't have to remain victims, we can become survivors and overcome any adversity with Jesus' help. At least we are also now free from the laws of Tamar’s day so we don't have to worry about having to marry our rapist, or about being ostracised from society; not legally anyway.
· It is heartening that we are able to overcome the problems that Tamar faced with God's help. As the Pastor said, this one incident scarred Tamar, but we don't have to remain victims, we can become survivors and overcome any adversity with Jesus' help. At least we are also now free from the laws of Tamar’s day so we don't have to worry about having to marry our rapist, or about being ostracised from society; not legally anyway.
·
Tamar’s
story may have had a surprise happy ending because it struck me that Absalom’s
daughter was named Tamar, and the Bible says that she was a beautiful woman. And
Tamar, his sister, was also a beautiful woman. Could it
be possible that Absalom adopted his sister Tamar as his
child to be an integral part of his family? Well, that would make a lovely
twist. Imagine how that would change the
story; Tamar would go from rape victim who was desolate, to a
key woman in the Bible.
References:
Deutoronomy 22 (NIV):
"23 If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her,
24 you
shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to
death—the young woman because she was in a town and did not scream for
help, and the man because he violated another man’s wife. You must purge
the evil from among you.
25 But
if out in the country a man happens to meet a young woman pledged to be
married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die.
26 Do
nothing to the woman; she has committed no sin deserving death. This
case is like that of someone who attacks and murders a neighbor,
27 for the man found the young woman out in the country, and though the betrothed woman screamed, there was no one to rescue her.
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