Shame and Guilt

I'm in the process of updating my book, Foundation Stone of Hope: Everyone Has Purpose. I am removing some of the "I believe" statements because these can stand alone and the book reads in an easier manner. Hopefully I'll be done in a few days and I'll publish a new version. In the meantime, here's a small extract of a slightly changed section - I hope it works better and that you agree with the changes:

Shame and Guilt

If you feel shame, it is a feeling you shouldn’t have to continue feeling, especially if you feel shame due to what someone else has done to you. Often, shame is the result of a secret that we hide and don’t want others to find out. The same applies to guilt, and you shouldn’t feel guilty if you weren’t to blame for a problem. However, if your conscience reminds you of guilt, then you must right any wrong you may have done to another. This may be equated to the Christian terminology of being convicted of your sin, when the Holy Spirit brings a problem that needs attention to consciousness and this is an opportunity to make amends and then turn away from what you might have done, and not to repeat past mistakes, which is called repentance.

Shame is a feeling of being unworthy, of feeling condemned. You should never feel condemned and unworthy. In Christian terminology, this is when Satan has hold of you as only he will make you feel condemned as less worthy than you are. God wants you to step into His wonderful purpose for you, and He doesn’t want you to feel there is something wrong with you if you are following the right path.

There is a difference between feeling shame and feeling humility. Shame is a sense that there is something wrong with one, whilst humility is being humble and not having an over-inflated sense of self-worth. If you feel shame, work through this emotion, and don’t allow yourself to believe you are any less worthy than anyone else, for any reason.

Shame and guilt are often used in manipulation. Someone may try to get you to feel ashamed that you haven’t measured up to his or her standards or guilty that you haven’t accomplished as much as he has. Perhaps you could accomplish more. Resolve to try harder the next time. Know that you can turn situations around. If you feel shame because you have been sexually or physically abused or emotionally bullied, this is trauma that needs to be worked through and healed. We may carry shame for many years and may not even realise the impact events had on us as they are too deep within our consciousness. Shame could arise because, for example, people may discover family secrets. Believe in yourself as a person of worth, in spite of any past or in spite of your imperfections. You also don’t need to tell anyone about any of your past, if you don’t want to, unless this has a material bearing on your present. For example, if you have been abused, no-one needs to know because that is a personal detail of your life and is something that happened to you and is now over, but people might need to be informed if you were sentenced for a crime.

Why is it Difficult to Eradicate Bullying?

I read this article yesterday by Valerie Cade, of Bully Free at Work: 10 Reasons Why the HR Process Might not Work for You It's a great article, all ten points.

Bullying follows much the same pattern as domestic violence, including child abuse:

• One cannot change what isn't acknowledged

Children will tell of their abuse, but often adults won't believe them or won't listen closely. A child will only try to tell someone a few times and then lose hope and may keep quiet thereafter for years. It is extremely important to listen to children who step forward and tell that something is amiss. The same may happen to adults who experience bullying. People may laugh their story off or tell them that they are imagining things.

• Lack of a defined process to follow

Abuse and bullying happens in many places, but there isn't an allocated go-to person in organisations. Some children may tell their parents, who are the best people to fight for them, but others might pick random adults to tell. The same happens to adults who are bullied in their workplaces, they may go to HR, but often people they approach don't have a defined process to follow next.

• Little authority over the people who may be bullies

As the article mentions,  80% of bullying occurs with a direct manager. If a boss is the abuser or bullier, e.g. the principal of a school, what can be done to stop the person? HR is often the place to report bullying, but HR may have little authority over key people in an organisation. At least with abuse, this can and should be reported to the police.

• The reputation of an organisation where a bully works is often protected against all accusations

Unfortunately in many cases, the people who know of abuse or bullying will protect the organisation and its reputation, instead of the target, because people tend to blame the entire organisation if something bad happens there, instead of the individuals concerned. A school Principal who hears of abuse will protect teachers at his school. HR will protect the organisation they work for against expensive litigation.

• The bully is often believed instead of the victim

Abusers often abuse for years and are never suspected. Bullies may bully for years without getting caught. These people are often charismatic and well-liked individuals. A bully often comes across as charming and capable in meetings to discuss problems, and the target is often an emotional wreck from the bullying and is seen as a liability. Employers seem to feel that if they get rid of the target then the problem will go away, but the bully will soon choose a new target.

A High Level Comparison of Two Major Religions to Show that Different Religions Have Different Gods

I recently blogged about God and gods, in a blog post called Is God as Defined by Different Religions, One and the Same God?

The blog post surmises that the gods spoken of by different religions are quite different and cannot be the same and, to further illustrate this point, I thought I'd give a synopsis of two major religions, Christianity and Islam. The respective Holy Books of these religions speak very differently about each god. This isn't a criticism of any religion all, it is a brief attempt at putting a few facts forward about each religion, and it is up to each person to decide which god is the one he or she will choose to follow.

• The Holy Book of Christianity is the Bible, both Old and New Testaments, written by about 40 different people, over a period of about 1,500 years, first starting many hundreds of years BC and then ending sometime after Jesus Christ's death, for example, by Moses, Joshua, Samuel, Isaiah, Matthew, John, Paul, and others. Often the books of the Bible are named after their authors, who were often prophets of God in the Old Testament, or disciples of Jesus in the New Testament. The Holy Book of Islam is the Quran, which originated when Prophet Muhammad was given divine revelations between December 609-632 AD and these revelations were written down by numerous scribes and then compiled into one book shortly after Muhammad's death.
• The Bible and the Quran are very different books. The Bible is taken as the infallible Word of God by Christians and they say that God's Word cannot be wrong. Muslims say that the Bible contains many inaccuracies and that only the Quran is the infallible word of their God, Allah. The Quran does hold some of the same stories as the Bible, but many of the facts given are different, for example, the Bible says that Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son, Isaac, but the Quran says that Ishmael was the son who was going to be sacrificed.
• The Bible says that Jesus is the Son of God, and that Jesus died on the cross. By this act Jesus became Saviour, a ransom for our sins, and Jesus is now the way and the truth and the life to the Father in Heaven, in other words, according to the Bible, a belief in Jesus according to the gospels points the way to truth and to God. From what I've read, however, the Quran says that Jesus, called Isa in the Quran, is a prophet of God, and that someone else died in Jesus' place on the cross, it only appeared that Jesus was the one who died and that only belief in Allah as per the beliefs given in the Quran is the way.
• The Bible says that God (Jehovah / Yahweh / Our Father in Heaven) loves everyone, including people who aren't Christians, and Jesus said the greatest commandments are to love God with all your heart, mind, and strength, and to love your neighbour as you love yourself, and a neighbour could be anyone, even someone of another religion, as shown in the story Jesus gave of the good Samaritan, and a Samaritan would have believed differently to Jesus' followers. Again, from what I have read, the Quran says that Allah loves his believers and hates unbelievers, which are very different commandments to what Jesus gave.

In conclusion, the Holy Books of these different religions are totally different and the underlying beliefs and commandments are totally different and therefore the gods must be different. The followers of each religion will of course believe they are right about the gods they respectively follow, which is okay, and ultimately, it is about respecting the beliefs of other people, but one doesn't need to agree with them.
I'd love to hear comments to see what people think. Do you agree, or not?

How to Overcome Hatred Caused by Stereotyping

Negative stereotypes that divide people along group lines causes much misplaced hatred and, if we can overcome this type of group think, then perhaps we may obliterate most forms of discrimination, racism, and genocide.

One of the first steps in this process is the formation of "us and them" camps. People may be divided into groups due to many reasons. A major group will naturally be the citizens of individual countries, e.g. Americans, Australians, South Africans. Within countries and also across countries, people may see themselves falling into further groups, which may be due to ethnic lines and what people look like, cultural reasons, religious reasons, and more.

There is nothing wrong in having groups, and people are attracted to groups for various reasons, mainly to belong and feel part of the community. Often though, people who belong to certain groups are stereotyped, often on the basis of the behaviour of a few individuals of the group. If you begin to notice a stereotype forming, try instead to see only the individuals who are to blame for bad behaviour, and blame those people only. The stereotype isn't to blame for the actions of a few individuals, just as you personally aren't to blame if someone who looks like you or is part of your group does something wrong.

There is further danger when people of one group begin to feel they are superior to other groups based on these stereotypes, and especially when a power imbalance is in place. The group talk may state that people of a certain group, even all other people in general, are subhuman and worthless. This is a process called dehumanising. Yet, we all bleed the same, we all have feelings, we are all citizens of the world. Be aware when you begin to see a group valuing or devaluing one type of person over another type of person purely because of a group or a stereotype. It is normally illegal to do this according to the laws of most countries, because it may lead to hate speech. People are of equal value, irrespective of groups, especially as some groups can so easily be changed, e.g. when people move countries and adopt new citizenship.

Links to related articles:
International Organisation, Genocide Watch, has devised 10 steps on the road to genocide.