Dear Children, We Love You, But We Don't Like Your Family

I attended a church a few years ago, and I quite enjoyed the services, but felt I didn't quite fit into the fellowship and the leaders never seemed interested in speaking to me. My children loved attending, and they were very welcome at the kid's section. Yet I stopped going to the church, and of course I stopped taking my children there. Why? Well, I didn't feel welcome. A few weeks after we stopped attending, my children received a letter in the mailbox from the kid's ministry saying, we miss you, please come back. Ummm. A letter addressed to my children. Now, that's very sweet, but I never received any letter saying, dear Shirley, we miss you, please come back. Why should I attend a church as a family when only my children are welcome?

Maybe this is a skewed way of thinking, but even if I were a single parent wanting to find a husband, I would not choose a new husband based on the fact that he likes my children only, and not me! If you like my children and want to get to know them, it would be a good idea to be nice to me too. Though then again, a male friend I used to know always stressed that if he wanted to get to know a woman who had children, the way to her heart would be to be nice to her children, so maybe the church was trying to be nice to me. Who knows?

The same applies to other aspects of life. A friend of mine said sadly and somewhat uncomfortably, she and her family never see her brother now that he is married. And, she added, she does not like his new wife. I wondered, are you nice to his new wife, and if not, why do you think she would want to visit you? If she felt welcome and liked you in return, you would see your brother more often! And maybe if you were nice to her you would see that she was quite a nice person. How do you know, if you are treating her with a predefined label?

When I was looking for a job (though of course I have always hoped to be a full time author, if there is such a thing). I may have met people who loved my children and the community as a whole wanted the best future for them, yet the community were in no ways interested in hiring me for a job. Overqualified. Different accent perhaps. Not too charismatic. Ummm, I am looking after these adorable children. Anyone interested in giving me a job so I can provide for them, so we don't all land up in generational poverty? Nope. No one's interested. But we love your children!

So what happens when these children grow up? Of course, they will then be free to attend any place they may choose and know anyone they want to know. Yet I wonder, will parts of the community then ignore these same adorable children when they are less adorable adults? Only time will tell if cycles will repeat.