A "Black Swan Event" is when the unexpected occurs, causing a huge mindshift and change in how the world works. People never imagined that Black Swans existed, until the discovery of the first Black Swan... (as per book "The Black Swan", by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, 2007, that sold over 3 million copies)

Is a perception change the next Black Swan Event? Consider that by changing perception we might change the world. Look at everyday things from different angles. Find beauty in the unexpected...
Change our thinking, change our actions, change our world!

See that all people are part of God's puzzle and have something to give. Black swans do exist. The ugly duckling was actually a swan who needed to discover himself and where he fitted and be who he was meant to be. To the last, the lost and the least, you are beautiful as you are.
May all who visit this page feel God's touch and experience His blessing...

Friday 29 March 2013

Telling Your Story and Then Being Told, But There's Someone Worse Off!

A fictional analogy: I tell my sad story to someone, hoping she will understand the frame of reference where I am coming from. She smiles sadly and says to me, well, it could have been worse, there are many people in the world worse off than you, you know. I feel a part of me die inside. All she had to do was listen to my story, and it would have helped if she had said she understood, and that that's the past and we can move forward. I know there are people starving and dying and incapacitated all the time, all over the world. But right here, right now, I feel like my world is crumbling. When will someone understand me? I guess she might think I am terrible if I tell her that, I then think guiltily. And the cycle of shame and guilt repeats.

I once sat in on a group where people shared any number of horrifying stories. I realised that it really does help to hear the stories of what other people have been through and to realise that there are many parallels in life, and that bad things happen to many people. That one's own story may not be the lone story and that people do cope and move on. But I also realised, there is no aid to healing if you tell someone your own story, and it is brushed aside as not as bad as it could have been, or that there are many people with worse stories out there. If you are able to tell your story with conviction and truth, and you obtain a measure of understanding, which may even be mere silence without judgemental reaction, indicating acceptance, then your story has been shared in a healing way. But if you share your story and it is minimised, then you may carry your story around with you as a burden for much longer, and the opportunity for healing may come and go and damage may be done. Be careful how you tell your story and who you tell it to. You may decide never to share it, and that may work for you too. Healing seems to come from an internal acceptance and understanding of your journey, aided when shared with an understanding and non-judgemental confidant.

The Path of Dreams

Most dreams start with an idea, with a vision for what might be. There is an inkling of what might be possible, and then the dreamer sets off down the road of attempt, but the path is racked by uncertainty and obstacles. There is no knowing if the path taken will lead to the fulfilment of the dream or not. Sometimes the obstacles seem to be insurmountable and then a way has to be found around each new challenge, so that these become stepping stones to the next level, instead of weights dragging one down. One never knows if the onward path will lead to a glorious destination of attainment, or will instead peter out into a dead end from which to start anew, and sometimes it’s the journey that becomes the achievement, with a myriad of spin offs lighting the way, perhaps changing direction slightly, yet the goal must be to constantly forge forwards, ever trying. Passion for a dream will keep hope alive. While passion burns, the dream may still be possible.

Thursday 28 March 2013

Celebrating the Cultural Heritage of Easter and Christmas

I used to worry that the meaning of Christmas and Easter had become corrupted. After all, I thought, aren't these days part of the Christian calendar, and strictly religious days? Then in a moment of personal revelation I changed my perception about what these days mean to me, and wondered if these days were ever days that God asked us to honour, but were instead rather days steeped in cultural heritage, with a religious background, honoured for religious significance by some, but as merely cultural by others, and for many of no importance. And I thought, surely there is space to have all views, as long as one knows the truth and background about these days?

Days of Easter and Christmas are times of the year when many countries with a Christian background stop working and when society grinds to a halt, which can be quite a welcome rest from the ongoing toil of daily life. People get together with family and friends, and rituals are shared, like easter egg hunts and gift swapping on Christmas day. The events have become part of the cultural tradition of many and I look forward with anticipation to these days myself too.

Festivities commemorating these events have their background in Biblical roots, directly stemming from Jesus' birth and His death and then resurrection from crucifixion, and His life is honoured in many church services at these times. Yet when I look at the Bible I see no mention of Easter or Christmas as specific times to set aside and to be honoured as Sabbath days. I do believe in honouring the Sabbath day, which for me is Saturday, the seventh day of the week, a day to be kept holy and to rest from our works. So, should Easter and Christmas be set aside as Sabbath days? Personally, I no longer think so, as aside from their Christian origins, these days have pagan origins too. But I do believe these days should be honoured as part of cultural heritage, as culture is a driving force behind identity, and I also believe that for Christians these days will always remain an opportunity to teach the background of how these days came about and why they are seen as so important to the Christian calendar.

I find it sad when people feel offended by seeing a Christmas tree in a shopping centre, especially as a tree is in no way a religious symbol, or when people feel they cannot say "Merry Christmas" for fear of offending others. Why on earth not?! Are you going to give away all of the cultural heritage of your own country? Surely there is space for us to be ourselves and to allow others to be themselves too? If you feel these are religious days, then honour these days as religious for you, and if you enjoy the traditions associated with Christmas and Easter, then take part in these as a cultural tradition. If you don't agree with Christmas at all, then ignore the tradition, and the same goes for Easter too. There are so many parallel streams of life, there must be space for each of us to find and to be ourselves, alongside each other.

Mindsets of Guilt or Innocence: Is Evidence Allowed to Speak?

A small farming community. A murder. A 16 year old is arrested as the only suspect.

I have been following a murder trial and it worries me that the wrong suspect may be in custody. He is a 16 year old boy, accused of murdering his guardians and raping and murdering a 14 year old girl, in Griekwastad. The family was found dead inside a blood smeared farmhouse in South Africa, where farm murders are becoming so common that these seem to be targeted attacks to eliminate farmers.

The boy said he was outside in a shed when he heard gunshots and he waited there for a while until everything became silent, and then he ran to them, and he helped the girl as she lay dying and she died in his arms. And then he drove frantically to the nearest police station, taking two guns along with him which he found at the murder scene.

The boys hands were tested for gunshot residue the night of the murder, though apparently he was only arrested as a suspect a few weeks later. As far as I can tell, there were no other suspects questioned. Police were at the scene of the murder that night, until one o'clock in the morning, and then a nearby farmer was allowed into the farmhouse the very next day and he and a few kindly helpers washed away the blood from the bodies and burnt carpets and clothing soaked in blood, eliminating key evidence. The police found an abandoned bakkie (a small ute) on the road to the farm, later said to be a farmworker's vehicle, as well as a kitchen knife in the road, which they said seemed to have been lying there too long to have been from the murder scene. Two guns were said to be found lying in the dirt outside the farmhouse, as well as two cooldrink glasses. The kitchen door was damaged but there was no sign of forced entry. The young girl was raped and grass was seen on her clothing, implying she was raped outside and then brought inside, but I have yet to read that a rape swab was taken and tested for the crucial DNA clues it might reveal. Only a couple of drawers looked like they were ransacked, and many valuables were still on the scene, which is a key point as often in farm murders the house is ransacked, valuables are stolen, especially guns and cell phones, and items are strewn around the room. Of course, intruders might have been interrupted.

I have watched and waited for news articles of the trial and have read each eagerly. Not much is reported as the boy is a minor and his evidence is held in camera. But some information about the trial does get out. What strikes me in this case is how sure the public are of the child's guilt. I am not sure if the boy is guilty or not, especially as I am not familiar with all evidence held, but it worries me that he is assumed as guilty by everyone. Yesterday I read that no gunshot residue was found on his hands the night of the murder when his hands were tested. Wow, that is quite a finding! No gunshot residue means it is highly unlikely that he fired guns that night. Yet, one of the first comments I read was not that the boy might therefore be innocent, or that an accomplice might have fired the guns, it was speculation of how he could have avoided gun shot residue when he fired the guns, and was he possibly wearing gloves! People look for evidence confirming their beliefs, and will even become quite creative to ensure facts fit their picture of reality. Guilty or not? I am not sure. But evidence must be allowed to tell the story, and not mindsets of predetermined guilt or innocence.

In the movie, 12 Angry Men, a boy was accused of murdering his father and faced a death penalty. Eleven members on a jury immediately said he was guilty when they convened. Only one jury member was prepared to talk about the truth. In the end, the boy was acquitted of murder as each jury member changed his mind. The lone jury member  who took a stand for justice said, "You see, sometimes the facts that are staring at you in the face are wrong!" Read my blog article about this called: The Power Of One Voice (Part 2): 12 Angry Men

The Value of Innate Talent

I watch, awestruck, as a young boy sprints effortlessly to the finishing line of a 200 metre race. He hardly seems to be trying, yet he outruns his peers. What is this magical ability called natural talent? Why do some have it, and some don't? Many may want to run, but are found wanting. Many might actually have ability but have no interest in taking their talent further, especially when this might involve rigorous training. Developing a talent may be a lot of hard work! Olympic athletes train for hours and hours each day for one race, one opportunity. Not everyone can be the best. There is only one winner in a race.

When natural talent and passion for an activity merge, dreams can become reality.

Monday 25 March 2013

The Importance of Cultivating Good Self Image as a Child

Are you fat? I am, though I often forget I am. Maybe because I used to be very skinny as a child, and my new body shape surprises me sometimes. I am not sure what happened. I think I must have been slowly gaining weight one kilogram (or more) at a time over a number of years. I don't even eat much. I used to have a lot of coffee though, at least three large mugs a day, and a chocolate muffin. That's all I would have to eat at work, actually. And I gained weight eating that way. Huh? Seems impossible to me actually, but it's true. Then again, I also used to snack on cafe food sometimes during the week and on weekends, for example, sandwiches at coffee shops, and they may have contained loads of hidden fat products. But I was very aware of calories and how much to eat. So now I have decided to cut out coffee, and of course full cream milk, which was probably one of the real culprits for me. But my body hangs on to sugar too I think, so complex carbohydrates like muffins and white bread need to go too. Maybe even bananas. I have taken to eating bananas as a replacement starch, but I suspect they are not good to scoff down, at least not more than one for lunch anyway. I know eating raw rolled oats works well for me to keep weight in check, eaten with a bit of milk, though the oats must not be the instant variety. If I only ate oats all day, I know I'd lose weight, but, not sure if I want to go to such an extreme measure. Yet.

Here's the real crux of the matter for me though. I once said to a psychologist, my body image doesn't bother me at all. He looked at me, troubled. It bothered him! He was a lean and fit sport's psychologist, so perhaps that's the reason. I knew an overweight squash playing psychologist once, who had a really big build and could have been considered quite overweight, and I don't think that statement would have bothered him. He would have understood. As an aside, squash is an awesome game to play, but hmmm, maybe I was a bit skinnier when I played it.

There is a perception that fat people eat all the time, and are totally unhealthy, but just as some skinny people eat anything they want to, even more than many a fat person may, and are still thin, that is not true of all fat people. My blood pressure is within healthy limits and I walk quite actively. I don't get out of breath much, unless I jog. I can outrun children, especially over short distances, until they keep going and overhaul me. I even swing a mean axe (I am trying to remove a tree stump from our garden). So being fat is an irritation, but does not cramp my lifestyle much. Except where other people are concerned, like strangers I walk past, or people where I used to volunteer, who seemed aghast when they realised I drink coffee and seemed to wonder how much they needed to keep in stock for me (I only had one cup of coffee a day there!), or people I am interviewed by for jobs. It's taken a while though for me to realise society sees my fatness as a problem, as I didn't notice it myself and couldn't understand why some people were treating me as stupid or were being condescending, though not sure if that is the reason this sometimes happens, but talk about a rude wake up call, when I realised why some people treat me as they do! Ironically, some other fat people laugh at me too--maybe they have the same good self image phenomenon that I do! Or maybe we can't see how fat we ourselves really are, and even a mirror doesn't tell the real truth. It's like someone with a dirty house walking into another dirty house and thinking, oh my gosh, forgetting what their own place looks like. Fatness could even be considered a disability for some people with static metabolism and food intolerances. I do know there's a way for me to lose weight, and I am totally set on doing so--ensuring I eat oats for breakfast, lunch and dinner of course. Because I know being thinner will make life easier, and of course I would prefer it. But it's not because being fat overly concerns me, I would merely prefer to be thinner. It's not like I'm dating, and I know my family are used to the way I look and fully accept me the way I am; I hope anyway. My weight is a bit of a joke, to tell the truth, at least with the ones who really love me. And for the ones who don't, well, maybe their bodies will go out of whack someday and they might understand. Maybe they have things they could work on too--everyone does! Funny actually, because when my family tell other people we are changing to a more natural diet, that suddenly becomes an issue which overrides the fat problem. You want to eat what?! That's terribly unhealthy for you, you can't eat only unprocessed natural food! Well, I'm fat aren't I? Maybe a change of diet will work!

The real point I wanted to mention is, I have realised that many self limiting thought patterns are set in childhood. If I had always been fat growing up as a child, then I might have had a really poor self image regarding my weight now. But I don't. It rankles that I am having difficulty losing weight, but I know I am still a valuable person. In my mind's eye I don't see myself as fat. I only became fat in my late twenties. And as an adult, if someone now tells me that I am fat, I can laugh it off, or justify it to myself, because I don't have triggers formed from traumatic insults about my weight as a child. It's an important point, because it's important to ensure your child has a positive self image no matter what he or she looks like. It will stand a child in good stead as an adult. I may have had many other traumatic things happen to me as a child, but fatness was not one of my problems then!

Link to news article: Opinion: I'm Fat, so What?

Sunday 24 March 2013

Dear Children, We Love You, But We Don't Like Your Family

I attended a church a few years ago, and I quite enjoyed the services, but felt I didn't quite fit into the fellowship and the leaders never seemed interested in speaking to me. My children loved attending, and they were very welcome at the kid's section. Yet I stopped going to the church, and of course I stopped taking my children there. Why? Well, I didn't feel welcome. A few weeks after we stopped attending, my children received a letter in the mailbox from the kid's ministry saying, we miss you, please come back. Ummm. A letter addressed to my children. Now, that's very sweet, but I never received any letter saying, dear Shirley, we miss you, please come back. Why should I attend a church as a family when only my children are welcome?

Maybe this is a skewed way of thinking, but even if I were a single parent wanting to find a husband, I would not choose a new husband based on the fact that he likes my children only, and not me! If you like my children and want to get to know them, it would be a good idea to be nice to me too. Though then again, a male friend I used to know always stressed that if he wanted to get to know a woman who had children, the way to her heart would be to be nice to her children, so maybe the church was trying to be nice to me. Who knows?

The same applies to other aspects of life. A friend of mine said sadly and somewhat uncomfortably, she and her family never see her brother now that he is married. And, she added, she does not like his new wife. I wondered, are you nice to his new wife, and if not, why do you think she would want to visit you? If she felt welcome and liked you in return, you would see your brother more often! And maybe if you were nice to her you would see that she was quite a nice person. How do you know, if you are treating her with a predefined label?

When I was looking for a job (though of course I have always hoped to be a full time author, if there is such a thing). I may have met people who loved my children and the community as a whole wanted the best future for them, yet the community were in no ways interested in hiring me for a job. Overqualified. Different accent perhaps. Not too charismatic. Ummm, I am looking after these adorable children. Anyone interested in giving me a job so I can provide for them, so we don't all land up in generational poverty? Nope. No one's interested. But we love your children!

So what happens when these children grow up? Of course, they will then be free to attend any place they may choose and know anyone they want to know. Yet I wonder, will parts of the community then ignore these same adorable children when they are less adorable adults? Only time will tell if cycles will repeat.

Saturday 23 March 2013

Learning Bad Behaviour By Example As Demonstrated by Bella, the Dog

I have read before that many people say animals don't have distinct personalities and emotions. Well, I guess that is because they don't own pets. Take our dog, Bella. She is a scruffy mutt, medium size, and looks like she has been put together by a cartoonist, with pointy ears and a long body, somewhat stocky, mostly brown and black in colour with a few white patches, and intelligent eyes. She plays at being a puppy for attention, though is fully grown, and gets jealous and asks for extra attention when I pat the rabbit..

Bella reminds me of a recalcitrant child. She learns her lessons hard. Take house training. She used to urinate indoors, but seemed to know it was wrong, as she waited for me to be out of sight before she did her business on the fluffy carpet. Maybe she thought I wouldn't notice if she was sneaky, and the carpet does have a way of hiding wet spots. One day I caught her in the act, and gave an almighty scream and chased her outside. She has not messed inside again. This time she could see I was serious.

The same does not apply to barking. No matter how much I moan at her, she will bark at the neighbour's dog when I am not around to call her away. Temptation seems too much for her fragile self control. She has become really good at coming immediately when she sees me appear, and she will leave off her frantic barking and chasing, following the neighbour's dog out of sight up and down the fence. But here's the point. Bella never used to bark at the neighbour's dog. Until Baxter appeared that is. Baxter was a beautiful German Shepherd mixture. We didn't have Baxter for long unfortunately, but Baxter taught Bella bad behaviour. He taught her that barking outside means someone will appear and bring you inside. He taught Bella that barking and chasing the neighbour's dog alongside to the fence is fun. Before Baxter came along, Bella seemed oblivious that there was a dog next door.

Bella never used to bark when she was outside, or at least she needed a good reason to bark. She used to patiently spend some time outside on her own, seemingly content. Now she barks aimlessly if she is outside on her own for only a short time, barking almost half heartedly at times, and when I open the door to see what is happening, she is staring happily at me wagging her tail, waiting to come inside. If aimless barking doesn't work to open the door for her, then she runs around to the front of the house and barks from there, something Baxter used to love to do and she seems to have followed his example. Likewise, Bella used to ignore the neighbour's dog, until Baxter made the discovery that there was a dog next door. When Baxter was interacting with the neighbour's dog, he either used to squeal like a stuck pig, or it sounded as if he was in the middle of a highly aroused dog attack, and was quite scary to listen to. And this with a dog he could not even see.

If dogs can learn bad behaviour from each other, then how much more will children learn bad behaviour from their peers? It is a worrying thought. Once learnt, it's difficult to unlearn behaviour, as one has seen the possibilities. The upside is that if bad behaviour can be learnt, so too can good behaviour, so it is important to provide good role models for children and people.

Friday 22 March 2013

Hatred Breeds Hatred, Not Understanding and Mutual Respect

I went to a museum exhibit once with a group of preteen schoolchildren. We were there to learn about a tribal people, and their wonderful culture and traditional way of life, like song, and dance and story telling, and living off the land. Some of that was there to be seen. What I also stumbled upon, splashed against a large wall, was a discomfiting video of a tribal elder, eyes retouched to look like fire, saying something like, "We hate you white buggers. Go away. You stole our land". A parent murmured uncomfortably, why can they say they hate us, and we are not allowed to say we hate them? For many, the hate shown by these people is current, it is not the past. Another parent explained to me that the display shows truth and that the rich culture of this group is there to see, as well as the political statement. Yet I thought, surely all racism is wrong? A blanket statement about hating a group in current society due to their ethnic heritage is surely a racist remark.

I agree with the sentiment that colonial land invasions were wholly wrong and redemption is needed. But I was aghast to see hate speech against a particular group of people for all to see on video, especially the young impressionable minds watching. Will the children remember a proud people with an uplifting cultural heritage and wonderful sounding linguistics, or instead recall a more poignant, fear-filled memory of the hatred shown towards themselves, as most of them were white children? How can hate speech be allowed towards a group, as I saw today, in this modern world we live in where racism is outlawed? Surely all hate speech is wrong? I certainly thought it was. An us and them mentality, and ongoing learnt hatred, is a driving force behind genocide, a very dangerous position for all people concerned. And is it possible now to say we hate you, white people, when the country is now made up of a myriad of many types of races and it is hundreds of years since colonial invasion? I suggest it is better to say, we hate what happened to us in the past, and what we may still be experiencing, but we look forward to an inclusive future together as one nation.

If I tell you I hate you, will you embrace me and love me in return? It is very hard to do so. Would this be better if the story were told differently? What if I tell you how wrong an event is, as colonial invasion was, and if I do so with dignity, and at the same time share my rich cultural heritage with you, wouldn't you look on me and my people and say instead, "You are an inspirational group of people, with such an interesting and proud cultural heritage, and I am so sorry for what happened to you. We need to ensure such events never happen again. Let's work together to make things right, and craft a brighter future."

I am acutely aware of oft repeating cycles. How do we break cycles of hatred and replace this with mutual respect and caring instead? We certainly do not do so by continually spreading a message of hate. Hatred breeds hatred, not understanding and mutual respect.

Link to related blog articles:
The Sins of the Fathers
Culture
Learning From the Fear That's Motivation For Discrimination
Out of Sight, Out of Mind. Ignoring a Problem Does Not Solve It

On the Question of Invasion
What May You Be Accused Of?
This Is the Way It's Always Been and I Mind My Own Business
Is There Such a Thing as Reverse Racism?
The Worrying Steps in the Slippery Slope Towards Genocide
When Bystanders Look On (equating genocide and bullying)
Eureka! The Lion Will Lie Down With the Lamb
Why IS Miss South Africa 2012 White? Actually, Why Not?
God Does Not Discriminate: All People Are Equal in God's Eyes, One Body In Christ, Each Person With Unique Gifts

Wednesday 20 March 2013

Father and Son Are Two Separate Persons (Jesus Is Not the Father)

I've attended church a few times and I have very infrequently heard people praying to Jesus, as if to the Father, something like the following:
"Dear Heavenly Father,
Lord God, thank you for all you have done for us,
Thank you for coming down to earth and dying for us,
In your precious name,
Amen"

At first glance, there may seem nothing wrong with this prayer, yet I always question my own beliefs, as well as the beliefs of the person praying, when I hear a prayer such as this.

Why, you ask? Well, firstly, Jesus is not our Heavenly Father as the prayer seems to imply to me; Jesus is the Son of God. By ending off the prayer with, "in your precious name", this implies Jesus is being addressed as this is how Christians normally end prayers saying, "in Jesus' name", yet the prayer starts of being addressed to "Heavenly Father". It is of course possible that the person praying changes to addressing Jesus when he says, "Lord God" after the initial opening, but for purposes of my illustration I will carry on with this discussion.

The Father and the Son are separate, yet intertwined, but are not one and the same, though are part of one God. The Bible says the spirit of the Antichrist denies that Jesus is the Messiah, and also denies there is both Father and Son, "Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son." (1 John 2:22 KJV) Jesus did say in a Bible verse that He and the Father are one (John 10:30), but I believes this implies unity more than total sameness. There are many other verses which confirm that the Father and the Son are not totally one and the same, and one needs to ensure isolated verses are not taken out of context, for example Jesus says, "Believest thou not that I am in the Father, and the Father in me? the words that I speak unto you I speak not of myself: but the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works." (John 14:10 KJV) Jesus said that the Father is greater than He is, showing that the Father is not the same person: "Ye have heard how I said unto you, I go away, and come again unto you. If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I." (John 14:28 KJV).

Secondly, Jesus did not send Himself to earth, the Heavenly Father sent Jesus to earth, as His only begotten son. Jesus said in John 7:33 (KJV): "Jesus said, "I am with you for only a short time, and then I am going to the one who sent me." The complicated part is that Jesus is eternal, as is the Father. The Bible says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him. Without him was not anything made that has been made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn't overcome it." (John 1:1-5 WEB) and then a further verse says, "The Word became flesh, and lived among us. We saw his glory, such glory as of the one and only Son of the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14 WEB)


How did Jesus tell us to pray? He said to pray to the Father, and he gave us the example of the Lord's Prayer:
"Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen." (taken from Matthew 6:9-13 KJV)

The Bible says Jesus is the only intercessor between God and man: "For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;" (1 Timothy 2:5 KJV). Jesus said that in future there will come a day when we could ask anything in His name, and he would do it, and I assume this is why we usually add "in Jesus' name" to our prayers. Jesus said in the Bible, "And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it." (John 14:13-14 KJV)

Follow Jesus and He will lead the way to the Father: "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6 KJV)

"Have this in your mind, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, didn't consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, yes, the death of the cross. Therefore God also highly exalted him, and gave to him the name which is above every name; that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, those on earth, and those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father" (Phillipians 2:5-11 WEB)

Truth: a Possible Counter For Bullying

What is a good counter measure for bullying? Well, I would say the main aim would be to get the abuse into the open, bullying being a form of abuse.

The main reason for any type of abuse succeeding is because it happens in secret, usually exerting some form of manipulative control over the victim. The control may be the threat of harm to oneself or others, or could be the shame of the abuse being found out, for example, even in child abuse children feel shame, and they may feel they are complicit in what they know is an underhanded activity, and this therefore will also lead to guilt, all of which form part of the control needed to keep the target quiet. Control mechanisms in abuse could therefore be suggested as manipulation and shame and guilt.

How does one extricate oneself from the cycle of abuse? I would think this should be quite easy, wouldn't you? Make sure you tell a manager or a confidant, and voila, you are believed and the problem will be solved, right? Well, actually, as an adult you may be blamed for having malicious intentions yourself towards your bully, who others may see as the victim of an irritating staff member, or you may be blamed for somehow causing the bullying. Your manager may tell you that you are doing something to make the other person want to bully you, just as many people will often blame rape victims for causing their own rapes.

Bullying succeeds because it is done subtly to a victim and does not look like bullying to an onlooker. Bullies are often very clever and may see bullying as a game of wits. What may prove to be a bully's downfall is needing to remember all of his or her lies, as bullies may use many tactics to control their victims, and sometime they may become a victim of their own stories.

But, as hard as it is, try to tell people about your bullying experiences, calmly and confidently. Maybe you will be believed and maybe you won't, but if you do it in the right way with equanimity, pointing out the documented incidences of bullying as a pattern of behaviour, you may find you are able to tell your story with dignity, and perhaps the bully will leave you alone. The key is to get truth out into the open, and, as a Christian, I then believe you must allow God to go to work for you (Ephesians 6:13). Maybe you will need to leave the bullying environment as the only resolution, but by doing so you will probably find yourself in a better position in the end.

There are bound to be at least a few more people being affected by the bully you are having a problem with. If everyone who is being bullied by someone were to speak up in some way, and share their experiences with dignity, bullying would have no place to hide.

Sometimes it is purely a matter of personality to be resolved, but you will know whether it is bullying or whether it is personality by the reaction you get from the person concerned. If the person is prepared to listen and to put positive changes into place to resolve, and to work on the relationship, then the person is likely not a bully. A bully is normally emotionally cold, though may seem very charismatic, and will lack empathy and compassion for your specific situation. The bully will only see things from his or her perspective, and will be looking out to see what he or she can gain. Even bullies may seem friendly and kindhearted, if this is what will get results for them. As the Bible says, even Satan masquerades as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14). Watch out for subtle signs of deception and for patterns to speak and you will not be deceived.

Links to related blog articles:
When Bystanders Look On (a comparison between bullying and genocide)
It's Hard to Counter Workplace Bullying 
Is Workplace Bullying a Subtle Form of Domestic Violence?

Saturday 16 March 2013

Developing Social Skills of Empathy and Compassion

Empathy is to be able to put ourselves in another person's shoes, and to see the world from the viewpoint of that person. We may not agree with the way other people sees the world, but through empathy we have a glimmer of why they feel the way they do, and why they may react the way they do. Compassion is a feeling of wanting to make the world right for another, and to have sympathy for another's plight, though we may not do anything materially for the person. It is akin to neighbourly love.

Now consider the following fictional example: A two year old little girl falls down in play, thankfully unscathed yet perplexed at the tumble. A stranger rushes over when she sees her fall, and asks her if she is okay, and the toddler first stares blankly back, but in a moment smiles happily back at her then toddles off to her mum. Yet the stranger notices the mother does not react to her toddler's plight in the slightest, not once asking her child if she is okay. If the stranger were not there, would the baby toddler have had to cope with the fall on her own, perhaps as she has done time after time? What impact will continual experiences like these have on the psyche of a young fragile mind?

As another example, I saw a mentally challenged nine year old child shout "love ya!" to his support teacher, with a huge soppy smile on his face. 
Her reply? "That is not appropriate in school", she gruffly said and then hurried off, shoulders hunched, as if embarrassed.


What will this example do to the self esteem and emotional reactions of the young boy? He displayed loving affection and was abruptly cut off without explanation. I hope he keeps love for others alive within himself, perhaps learning to temper his words to be more socially appropriate.

Could his support teacher have answered instead, "That's nice of you to say. Please remember that in school we can't say we love each other, but you can tell me you like my teaching.", and perhaps she could then smile and walk away?

I wonder, how do we learn compassion for others? How do we learn to have empathy for others? Do we learn these important social skills when we ourselves are parented with love and sympathetic reaction as young children? What happens if we grow up in a continually unfriendly world, where our emotional needs are ignored due to vacant or uncaring parenting? And what additional scars occur if these experiences are then reinforced by parents who may display uncaring attitudes towards people in general, for example, making disparaging remarks in private about others in front of their children? Or when tentative childhood friendships, which might have healed some of these scars, are broken due to continually moving neighbourhoods or schools? Might such children grow cold inside, perhaps learning social skills as a form of mimicry, yet not feeling empathy and compassion within themselves? This is the conclusion I have come to by a few isolated observations, yet I am not sure if this is borne out by research.

I do know that nature as well as nurture have been proposed as a reason for behaviour patterns forming. Yet, I wonder, is nurture more important than nature in creating caring individuals? And, if so, could we turn society around by providing more caring, sympathetic environments for our children, for example, in schools?

Wednesday 13 March 2013

What Would Extraterrestrial Life Look Like?

Have you wondered, if there is life elsewhere than earth, would life look the same as we know it? We tend to assume any life must be composed of cells and be carbon based and need water and oxygen to live, and not tolerate too much freezing or heat, because that is what life looks like here on earth. But, what if another very different paradigm of life exists somewhere, perhaps in places where we are not even thinking to look? Imagine what could be possible. Yet, it's hard to imagine another reality, isn't it?

If You Believe in God, How Can You Not Trust Him Fully?

Do you believe in God? If you believe in God, do you trust Him fully when you pray to Him? And by this I mean for an answer to any type of prayer, for example, healing of your body or mind, or bringing you through a difficult circumstance? If you truly believe in God as the maker of the universe, Father of all creation, then you must believe that God can do anything. Anything.

Look at the universe. It is immense! Stars and galaxies and planets, and the sun and the moon. How perfectly the earth fits into the solar system, with the right distance from the sun to regulate the earth's temperature, and the right distance from the moon to regulate the tides. How the earth turns on her axis to ensure all parts of the earth obtain light regularly. The atmosphere and the water cycle and photosynthesis and food chains. Plants and animals and humans which populate the earth in their thousands of incredible niches and relationships. Was this chance or perfect design by an awesome God? I believe this was an awesome design by creator God.

Now, if God created the entire universe, how can we not believe that God can answer a prayer which you or I may pray? Of course God can do it! He can do anything! What I do sometimes wonder is, will He answer my prayer the way I want Him to. If He doesn't, then I believe that God has either decided the time is not right, or has decided the prayer is not right for me. I am sure God is not going to grant our wants for greed and power and success if He knows this is not ethical or not what we need. And sometimes, a bit of striving and testing, as in waiting to find the right job to make money, or learning to deal with difficult people, will strengthen character. God sees the master plan, we see only a few small aspects of life in isolation, as if we are shining a small torch to light our stumbling way in the dark, and God is above everything seeing the whole picture and all its interconnections.

Trust God. Believe God. Believe God is able. God can do anything.

Monday 11 March 2013

An Injury Healed

A child I know has been growing a bean plant in school for science class. Each child in the class has placed a bean to the side of a wet piece of cotton wool in a plastic cup, and have observed the changes to the germinating bean plants day by day. I have popped in occasionally to watch the beans grow. Last week this child's bean plant look a bit frail. The germinating new stem had incurred a small injury, perhaps where too much water had coalesced, rotting the tiny stem where it emerged from the bean casing. I was not sure whether or not the plant would grow, but held hope, as the sprout ahead of the deformity was green and budding. Today I walked into the class and was amazed to see a bean plant that towered above the others, reaching green fingers into the air, as if in triumph. I looked closely and the injury could still be seen, but was being overtaken by the ever thickening stem.

Somehow the growth of this bean plant seems a fit analogy for how an underlying emotional injury may be healed. If you have incurred an emotional injury, and if you then have enough of the right care and a chance to prosper, you can outgrow your injury and overcome adversity. The emotional injury scar may always remain a part of you, but the crippling effect will fade in time.

Culture

What is culture? Culture is identity to many. Culture is the quirks you take for granted, the rituals you follow from time long past. Culture forms the basis of why you act and react the way you do and may colour your thinking pattens and your ethics. Culture underpins society as we know it.

Culture may be found on:
  • a personal level, for example within a family
  • a group level, for example within specific ethnic groups or within religions, and this category will also include a corporate level, for example in an organisation. The group level may even span countries, and an example may be the culture of a specific religious group, but there may be subtle differences across each country.
  • a national level, for example in a country.

Culture  is influenced by values, and values dictate ethics. For example, if a value of a community is the sanctity of all human life, an ethic may be to outlaw abortion unless the life of the mother is in danger. This value may merge with additional values and may translate into a culture where all life is valued, from the very young right through to the very old, and where all efforts are made to save lives when medical treatment is needed. Along with culture are norms, which are the unspoken rules followed by a group. A norm could be, for example, not to speak ill of anyone, but this is not written down anywhere, the group merely follows this philosophy, and looks on aghast when a stranger wanders in and begins criticising others. The stranger may never realise he or she is overstepping a boundary unless this is pointed out to the stranger, or the stranger may find out the norm the hard way by trial and error learning.

I have heard people say, what is South African culture, or what is Australian culture. It is so a part of each country that we don't even realise that each country does have a distinctive culture. A simple example may be my article about conflict management, where in some cultures, it is acceptable to get conflict out into the open and to work through it until it is solved, yet in other cultures underlying conflict is best not spoken about and people prefer surface friendliness. There is usually no right and wrong in culture, it is what is seen as appropriate behaviour and what people are used to. People who follow a different culture to the prevailing culture may find themselves at odds as they do not understand the unspoken norms, and may even assume a malevolent intention when instead it may be merely cultural differences being displayed. As an example, I may say, you have to get conflict out into the open, yet I would then run into trouble unknowingly if I am interacting with a group who don't see this as a cultural norm--these people might see me as exceedingly argumentative and trouble seeking and perhaps holding a grudge.


Culture is most easily driven  from the top down and culture may be changed most easily from the top down. By top down I mean by an ethos placed in position by leaders or lawmakers, for example, the constitution of a country. A government, for example, may see corruption spreading tenterhooks ever wider and may decide to add a law to stop corruption, with firm consequences in place. The population affected may grumble about change, especially if they have been used to living a particular way for a long time, but either need to accept this as the new mode of operation, as there will be punishment meted out, or need to make their voices heard as a group to sway the change before it is implemented, and will need to make a good argument for their stance.

Culture may be used as a self regulating tool. What do I mean by this? An organisation may have a specific set of values it ascribes to, for example, placing customer service first and may place the family commitments of staff last on their list of values. If you are a working mom, and value extra time with your children and you often need to take time off because your child is ill, you will really struggle to work for this particular organisation. You may be penalised during your appraisal for not meeting the goals of the company and you may need to seriously think about whether this organisation is right for you at this point in your life. It's not necessarily that you are being bullied or ostracised, it's more that your values are not a good fit for the company's values. If you were a woman, also with a family, but were driven to succeed in your career at all costs, you would ensure you had a child minder to look after your children when they were sick, and you might then excel at this particular company.

If you are looking for a job, it is important for you, as well as for the employer, to ensure there is a good match between the values of the company and your own values. You may never want to leave your job at a company when your values are met by working at a particular organisation, as you will be very happy and won't need to fight to fit in.  (Have a look at the link to see another example of an article I wrote about culture as a form of self regulating management).

If you are trying to fit in somewhere, and are struggling doing so, then be aware that it is very difficult to influence and change the culture of an existing place or country. It is much easier for you to become accustomed to the norms of the specific place and to adapt to the particular culture, or to find like-minded people and form your own group, or otherwise life may seem a constant struggle.

Sunday 10 March 2013

What May You be Accused Of?

You are aghast when you discover that a specific tribal people are living in horrendous conditions in another country. How can the people who live there allow that, you wonder?

You forget, or perhaps are totally unaware, that people from that other country look on you and your country aghast, because of the living conditions of many people where you live too.

Yet, most residents of both countries go about their lives each day not thinking about the poverty and the overcrowding in a sector of their society. They are too busy living their own routines, and problems in their home countries are a vague headline in a newspaper. Perhaps the majority of the population even supports the way things are, as this is the way it has always been, and it is culturally acceptable. Or maybe many don't agree with the status quo, but don't know how they can change things as the problem is too immense, and surely the government needs to put things right, they think.

We tend to look on all residents of a country as the same, if we find out that atrocities happen there, yet most everyday people are doing the best they can in living from day to day.

What do you see as wrong in another country? Yet, what could you yourself be accused of, if a blanket generalisation was put over your country? And would this be fair to you?