Conflict and Facades of Peace

Conflict. The word evokes different images for different people. To some, conflict means emotions of furious anger, hitting out, displaying aggression. Others may see conflict as a dispute to be resolved calmly and rationally, with facts. And for some, conflict is something to be avoided at all costs. Perhaps I could say there are those who feel conflict, those who think about conflict, and those who prefer not to feel or think about conflict. And of course, there are usually no absolutes, so people may display a range of this behaviour depending on the situation involved.

But what is meant by the word conflict? Conflict implies there is a matter to resolve between two or more parties, and may be due to a disagreement of opinion, or an injustice, or even a misunderstanding. Conflict may arise from a one sided point of view, for example, if I suspect someone is gossiping about me, and I approach the person involved, who may or may not be doing this, and ask about this, my question may cause conflict to arise. I have also heard the term internal conflict, to describe conflict where one wars with oneself, not sure of which path to take.

Different cultures have different conflict resolution styles, so what may seem appropriate for me may seem rude to someone of another culture. Some people may avoid conflict because this is seen to be polite because of a particular cultural background, whereas I might interpret such avoidance to be playing games and manipulation, and the person avoiding conflict may see my actions in wanting to openly talk about the conflict as being aggressive and picking a fight (see article about conflict resolution on Wikipedia).

I am one of those people who likes to openly talk about a problem, work through the situation to find solutions, and then to move forward and drop the matter. This method ensures there are no ongoing undercurrents. But for many people, disputes happen and they ignore these and carry on regardless. I find it difficult to be friendly and trust people given these terms. If there is a hidden matter lurking, then I prefer to discuss it to see what happened, so I can understand it, and then walk away.

A key aspect to resolving conflict is the relationship in question. If I have a conflict with someone I will never see again, I may be quite brusque, as the relationship is not at stake, but if I have a conflict with someone whom I care about, then it is important to tread carefully where conflict is concerned, or the relationship may be damaged. Of course, even if one will never see someone again, it is no excuse to handle conflict in a harmful manner; sometimes this is difficult to do when emotions run high and best to avoid discussion until one can discuss rationally.

Imagine there is a minor dispute between two neighbours and they then avoid each other. This is not a problem initially, as each is able to carry on with their own lives, as they do not see much of each other. Conflict avoidance will work if there is no ongoing relationship. But the dispute rankles. What do you think has happened to trust? If there is an unresolved conflict, it is difficult to trust the other. I suspect people have a problem trusting someone when they are not sure what he or she is thinking, which is usually the case where there is an unresolved conflict. Openness breeds trust.

Imagine if another problem or dispute occurs between these neighbours. The original dispute has never been settled, so it is an assault on top of an assault; tit for tat revenge only leads along a slippery path of conflict escalation. In this case there is an ongoing relationship, even if it is a bad relationship. The best is to discuss and resolve the conflict satisfactorily to everyone's satisfaction, and to make peace, or to halt the tit for tat pattern and allow one of the parties to walk away, even if pride takes a knock.

It is easy for me to write about conflict, but very difficult to actually put into practice. I endeavour to attempt to resolve conflict more positively in future. Do you?

Link to related blog article: Out of Sight, Out of Mind? Ignoring a Problem Does Not Solve It