Avoiding Snap Judgements

Jesus said, Matthew 7:1 (KJV): "Judge not, that ye be not judged."

People judge us constantly, and we judge others too. Sometimes judgement is good, often it is a negative appraisal. Judgement is often an almost unconscious process where we see someone, we come to a snap impression, and then react accordingly. We take in style of clothes, general looks and grooming, poise and confidence and decide whether or not the person is worthy of our further attention. Other people do the same to us. Sometimes we are left wondering why we are ignored when we know we have a lot to contribute if only we would be given the chance. Others will usually not say anything overtly bad to us, but somehow we pick up on vibes.
Perhaps it's the way someone will speak, the tone of voice they use. This may be an immediate inclusion and friendly smiles, or we may find a general attitude of disdain and quick avoidance, or a smirking comment. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of negative judgment myself. I may do the same to others, sometimes without even knowing consciously that I am doing so. I try to catch my mindsets when I realise I am judging and it is a difficult process. I know sometimes I don't even realise when I may have made an incorrect appraisal as I react based on what I believe, what seems to be instinctual to me. If we are given the same reactions by people over and over again we start believing other people's assessment. We live up to our labels. Someone that is ignored will start keeping quiet, someone that has made many people smile will seem like a bouncing friendly person and will receive further validation of their self image. It is difficult to fight off the labels of perception.

We Each Have A Story To Tell

Picture the following in your mind. An elderly lady walks hesitantly towards you where you are seated on a bus, her steps slow and unsteady as she struggles to keep momentum. Her hair is white and wavy, she has glasses on and she wears a friendly expression on her face. As she takes the seat next to you, you notice she is shaking slightly all over. Her head moves in a jerky manner and her hands tremble. She shakily holds onto the rail, and then maneuvers into position and sits with a plop, settling back in her seat and shrugging her body to get into position. She smiles at you with a distracted look on her face, murmurs a brief hello and then looks forward and closes her eyes to enjoy the ride. What thoughts cross your mind? Perhaps that she looks like someone's gran and is loved by her grandchildren. Perhaps you think nothing and put her out of your mind quickly, almost wishing she hadn't sat next to you. You do not pay her another thought. Do you know she has lived a life of ups and downs, a life where she has gained an immense wealth of experience along the way? That she has amazing stories to tell that would be able to teach other people lessons she has learnt to cope with various situations. Perhaps she's even a retired psychologist or a schoolteacher or an entrepreneur. What knowledge is caught up in her being? Just because she is elderly does not mean she no longer has anything to offer to society. Maybe she has lived through a world war and knows what it means to have no food, and after her husband died she had to go back to working in a job she did not enjoy and had to rebuild her life. She started her own company and still takes part in overseeing most of the decisions but is training her grandchild to take over. We don't know anything about her. But yet we judge her within a few seconds of meeting.

Consider another example. You see a teenage girl walking determinedly down the road. She has her head down against the wind and walks with a dancing fight in her step. She turns to her friend and says something and their laughter is a gay note swept away on the breeze. You notice she has a scarf covering her head which she often grabs at to hold into position and you wonder why she just doesn't remove it as it's in danger of being plucked away by the reaching hands of the blustery air. They turn a corner and you lose sight of them. You do not know that they are on their way to the girl's chemotherapy appointment. That they had an accident in their car the day before and decided to walk not knowing the weather would be so uncomfortable. They will be picked up later by a friend as the girl is loved by many who will stand by her as she fights this new battle. She was recently accepted for a university program to be a medical doctor. She is determined to win her fight and will not be hammered by her circumstance. Imagine what you could learn from the story of this young lady?!

These two examples  are just given at random, but there are people like this out there. Stories all around us.

Culture And Behaviour Traps

When we know the reason why someone acts the way they do, their behaviour will often make sense. We fear or dislike what we don't understand and we may be wrong about why someone is acting the way they are. If we know that the woman who always looks serious and unfriendly and avoids our attention was abused as a child we may see her avoidance differently. She has been hurt and betrayed and does not trust anyone that is nice to her, and she believes kindness will lead to manipulation. She trusts the wrong people, ones who ignore her. When someone seems to stare at us while we talk we might think they are being aggressive. We don't know that they believe it is important to maintain eye contact to show we have their attention and are listening. Someone who looks down and away from us all the time and who we suspect may be lying might have autism, or could be a woman doing so for cultural reasons as a measure of respect towards men. We make assumptions about people around us all the time, assumptions that are not grounded in fact.

In Conclusion

We cannot know another person based on a quick encounter. We should not judge someone based on outward appearance. Acceptance of people as they are, with all their imperfections, will go a long way towards ensuring we are all able to contribute and find our purpose. I am still finding out things about my husband who I have known for many years. He sometimes surprises me with a new found skill, or a whim. How much more then should we suspend judgement of strangers until we know them well? And also accept them for who they are. We might not personally agree with their opinions but there will be people who do. Just as Susan Boyle was judged when she first stepped out on stage to audition, but proved that first impressions may be wrong, we may be wrong about the people we encounter daily (see blog article Black swan event in judging beauty and potential). A beautiful peacock shows off its lovely feathers but only sees the immediate environment, and the eagle that is scruffy on the ground looks beautiful in flight and is able to soar above everything and see with all encompassing vision. There is a time and a place for everyone in this puzzle that is the world. Suspend judgement and allow possibility.