Honouring Our Feelings

Paul said in Phillipians 4:8 (KJV): "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. "

Key to our emotional well being are our feelings. Feelings are subjective as we each feel our emotional responses to situations differently. Our feelings are usually triggered by the thought patterns we hold of events and people and things around us, experienced through our perceptions, and because these are different for each of us we may each feel varying emotional responses to the same situation. The apostle Paul suggests we keep our minds on things that are true, just, pure, honest, good and virtuous and that deserve praise. By casting our thoughts on all that is good, we will influence our emotions positively for the better.

I'm Scared. No, You're Not!

I was sitting at McDonalds recently with my children, who were having a bite to eat before heading off to the playground. At the table next to us were a couple with their three year old son. I heard them commenting that they had quite a bit of time still to get through before they needed to leave for the airport. The little boy was looking up and grimacing at the red flag swirling in and out of a huge yellow "M". I heard him say "flag scary" a couple of times. I would have expected his parents to soothe him and instead I heard the dad say "No, it's not!" in a harsh tone, trying to shush the boy. Perhaps his parents were worried about disturbing us, the only other people there, but I had my own noisy children with me and didn't mind at all. A bit later I heard "you think you're the only kid in this country!". A few minutes later the family hurriedly left, not even finishing their meal. What lessons are this little boy learning? Why were his parents acting this way? These are a few of my thoughts: 

• He is learning that he cannot trust what he feels. If he feels scared he is told he is not scared. I am sure this is not the only example of what is happening in his life. It would have been much better for the parents to ask him why he was scared, or perhaps even say "oh, you're scared" just to honour his feeling. Perhaps this happens to him on other levels too. Are his wishes being denied? Will he be able to choose his own career path, or might he be told he doesn't know what he wants then too.
• This little boy may not feel safe as he grows up. He was with his parents in this case, a source of nurturing and caring in a child's early years, and they were not listening to what he was trying to say, not listening to what he was feeling.
• The child may not talk about his emotions in future years. He may learn that he cannot tell his parents what he is feeling as these might be invalidated. Perhaps he will start to internalise his feelings. It can be dangerous to keep anger bottled up, to keep fear to oneself, not to express sadness. We learn emotional management when we can identify our feelings and talk about them without letting them overtake us. Will he learn these lessons?
• His parents seemed to be more concerned about what I was thinking than what their own child was thinking. Why? They could not know what I was thinking. I hadn't said a word. I didn't tell them to keep quiet. I certainly didn't mind hearing a little child speaking to his mom and dad. He was not crying, he just quietly said that seeing the flag seemed scary to him. Perhaps one or both of the parents grew up in a family where their own feelings were denied. They may have been told constantly to be quiet when they were children. They may have been ignored. I have made this mistake myself on some occasions, trying to keep my children quiet so they are not a bother to those around them, and the lesson is to listen to them first and then worry about other people later. Ask if they are a nuisance to anyone, don't assume they are.

The Importance Of Childhood Lessons 

The time to learn good emotional management is during childhood, but sometimes we do not learn the lessons we need to for various reasons. A solid foundation laid down during childhood is something to be cherished. It is always easier to learn key lessons as a child growing up, than to try to recover from problem childhood behaviour later on in life, as it may take us an enormous amount of striving to equalise the footing. If it's taken you ten years to learn bad behaviour patterns, the recovery time to relearning new patterns of behaviour could be just as long, and that's assuming you identify the patterns that are holding you back. Many people who have experienced traumatic childhoods grow into adults who don't know what they are feeling and may not be able to control their feelings, who don't know who they really are, who feel lost and alone in a world that doesn't quite make sense to them, unable perhaps to make their own decisions. They may not understand subtle nuances of behaviour that others seem to know. They look like the average people around them, but they may be crippled by mindsets of fear and past behaviour patterns. If you are used to discounting your feelings, try to identify the feelings you do feel. Why are you crying? Are you perhaps sad and grieving due to a loss, or are you even crying because you are touched that someone included you for the first time? 

Choosing To React Instead Of Respond 

It is important to know what you are feeling, to be able to recognise fear or happiness or anger, and to feel the feeling, but not let the feeling control you. To choose to respond to a situation by catching the feeling you are feeling, to hold it for a moment, and then to choose the response you will give, instead of just reacting with the first thought that is triggered by the emotion, which may be to punch someone else. It is important to be able to talk about our feelings, to know what we are feeling, as feelings are such an integral part of our make up. 

You Are Responsible For Your Own Feelings 

If I am feeling angry, then that is how I feel. It might be a simmering anger, a disquieting sense of frustration, or an explosive rage. No one makes you angry, it is an emotion you feel. You cannot blame someone else for making you angry. We've all heard "you make me so angry!" No, actually I don't, you make yourself angry! The way we think about a situation influences the way we feel. For example we might get angry if someone cuts us off in traffic. That person has not made us angry, the thoughts we think make us angry, like "how dare he do that!". If for example instead we were to think that the person was in a rush to get to hospital we would be less likely to feel that anger. No-one can argue with the way you feel. If you want someone to change their behaviour towards you, use the formula: I feel (name the emotion), when you do (name the action), in future I want you to (name the changed action). This is much better than accusing someone of doing something to you, something they may not be aware of. People will only change if they are hurt enough to know they must change, but at the same time we must not cause emotional damage, for example we must not talk of divorce each time we have an argument. 

In Conclusion

Honour your feelings. Feelings are a complex combination of physical reaction and emotional thought. Only you can know what you are feeling. Feel your joy, your heartache, feel what it is to be alive, feel pain, feel sorrow, feel anger, feel fear. Move through the feeling if you need to and choose to respond in a rational manner. Managing feelings is a key part of managing in life.