The Reflections We See Of Ourselves

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Take the quiet stranger I used to know. When I look at her I see someone who looks quite serious, unmoved by circumstance, aloof. I see a mask. It's hard to see to the person beyond. What I don't see is the edge of doubt fringing her mind. The pain etched in quiet corners of her heart. I don't see life's hurts that have been plastered atop each other forming internal barriers. I don't see the change in transition, the new person she is becoming.

Barriers

We were asked to discuss barriers at a training course I attended. We saw these mostly as physical barriers: doors, walls, fences, windows. There are barriers in car parks, where painted white lines indicate where vehicles must park. There are sometimes invisible barriers, like don't go into the kitchen as this is not your house. Rules are barriers. There are personal space barriers. A person turning away from you created a barrier. Step into a crowded elevator and one is reminded of barriers; the more people there are, the closer into ourselves we seem to draw, trying to ignore the infraction on our personal space. Sometimes we ignore personal etiquette barriers when we ignore people that may be right in front of us, but whom we just don't see. Like talking over a client in a doctor's room as if the person was not there. We often carry internal barriers, some we may not even be aware of, our blind spots (see blog article: Blind spots and secrets). Internal barriers of our judgements, our critical thoughts that cause us to ignore certain people and places. And other internal barriers that are as crippling as if they were physical, that stop us from speaking, from participating, from claiming our opportunities. Barriers in our mindsets that keep us tied down to current circumstance and stuck in old patterns. There may be masks that we wear to hide the person we are from the outside world, that act as a shield of armour to protect our fragile identities from harm, but that also tell people to stay away, to keep out, like the prickly spines on a hedgehog. The person you see that seems distant and uncaring as if she does not want to know anyone may be someone who longs for a human touch, an expression of caring, to be part of a group, but her internal barriers keep her immotile and her external mask says keep away. Our circumstances may be a barrier for us in hindering us from starting our own businesses or launching into a career. It's easy to say "where there's a will there's a way" but for many people this seems like an insurmountable task when all they see at the present time is survival. I've seen people in Africa salvaging material from rubbish bins on garbage collection day, collecting cardboard and scrap metal to cart away to sell. When you are in the trenches you are just barely able to keep your head above water and run to the next trench to find some solace from the war that seems to be going on in your life. How do people extract themselves from seemingly impossible situations? And there are some that do! What amazing stories these people have to tell! And what amazing stories have the ones who remain in survival mode too! They are street smart, they survive, they know their world! Barriers may also be our external selves, our physical appearance, the way we act and carry ourselves. Choices define many of these in becoming barriers, in choice of clothes and hairstyle. We may not realise we are presenting a barrier to the world in the way we look, as we may be comfortable looking the way we do, not knowing that others may cringe at what seems to them to be messy hair or choice of dress. Susan Boyle said she thought she had looked respectable when she auditioned for the first time in Britain's Got Talent, but the judges and audience did not think so. You can find a bit more about Susan Boyle in the first blog article I wrote called: Black swan event in judging beauty and potential.

Reflections

Barriers and mindsets lead to our reflections. What do you see being reflected back to you by other people? Are you greeted by smiles and friendly faces? Or do you see smirks and people turning aside. Shunning happens. Bullying happens. Are your phone calls returned? Are your emails answered? The behaviour you are receiving from others may be showing you that somewhere something needs to change. The easiest way to change the way others react towards you is to change yourself. If you think you see a pattern of rejection or a pattern of condescending behaviour towards you, perhaps this is a result of your own behaviour allowing this to happen. If this is your third marriage then perhaps you may be finding love with the wrong type of people for your own personality type. Try connecting with different people.

A Case Study Of Lessons Learnt
When I was initially looking for a church home, I felt as if I couldn't quite break in and really belong. Pastors were preaching about honouring our calling, and fulfilling our purpose, and belonging to community. I heard how we must be planted in the right place, to set down our roots and flourish in good soil, so that we would bear good fruit. Well, I desperately wanted to do this, to honour God's calling for my life, as I truly felt there was something I needed to do for God. I wafted about, trying to help with a few tasks here and there, however, I kept feeling like I didn’t quite know which ministry area to be involved in, and did not really feel like an accepted part of each team, as I wasn’t really given anything to do. I started to become quite disillusioned about involvement in church, as my expectation was that I would have a seamless integration. But life does not work this way! When you are ready to do something, it might not be the right time yet, and it takes time for others to trust you and really accept you. Later, the same church asked for volunteers in many different roles, and I might have been able to take up some of these roles, but I felt a bit deflated by all my efforts in the beginning, and this time preferred to wait and see before jumping in. But those opportunities might not have been available later. Have you experienced this type of situation in life? The secret is to make sure you wait for the right opportunity to come along at the right time, and to take up opportunities as they present, not to be too early, and not to be too late. There is a narrow window of opportunity, and, if you miss it, you might not have that same opportunity again, ever.

Here are some of my lessons learnt:

• I decided not to make assumptions about why I was not being included: Instead of thinking people were doing it on purpose, it really helped me to wonder if everyone was just busy and too caught up in day to day life to phone me back or to give me tasks. I stopped thinking about what could be happening, stopped speculating, as this just made me unhappy and made me feel isolated. 
• Wait to be asked to join in: I made my availability known for what I wanted to do, and then, instead of asking, I waited to be asked to join in. I also realised that helping others to honour a calling for God does not even have to be for a church, there are a lot of needs out there. People wanted to trust me before they let me in to really become a part of the church. Organisations may say all are welcome, but there is often politics that happens behind the scenes. Pastors at a church may not even be aware of some of what is happening to divide and conquer their congregation, and some may well be party to the politics. I was devastated by some of my experiences! I never expected to find politics in church. I expected to put my name down for something, and to be able to do it with ease. I saw some other people being drawn in and used very quickly. I can understand how people say they are disillusioned about God based on experiences they have in church. But churches are made up of people, and people are not perfect. I realised that God is not the people I may have bad experiences with. I needed to just let things be and move on. No good comes from revisiting a problem situation, as sometimes there is just no solution, besides trying something else. 
• Allow things to just happen: I needed to have patience. This is a lesson that was crucial for me to learn, and one I still struggle with, as I am an early starter by nature. Instead of trying to make things happen, allow things to happen. And by allowing things to happen, other people do not mistrust motives. Don't seem too eager to please! Know what opportunities you are looking for, so that when opportunity presents you know when to grab it, and you also know when to ignore other opportunities. Have your end goal in mind. Sometimes the best opportunity is hidden away and only discovered later: a chance meeting, a chance event, unseen wheels in motion. You cannot force success. 
• Things will happen in the right time for the right reasons: Perhaps the time had not been right yet for me to be involved. If I had been accepted for certain roles when I wanted to be, I might never have written this book. I might not have had the time or the will. There is a lovely Bible verse that reads, Zechariah 10:1 (World English Bible): “Ask of Yahweh rain in the spring time, Yahweh who makes storm clouds, and he gives rain showers to everyone for the plants in the field.”. What use is it to pray for rain out of season? God sends rain in the springtime! The season needed to be the right season for me and for the church. 
• When you find the right door, it stands wide open: When you find the space that's right for you, you will know it. Doors will open. Opportunity should never be forced, the right opportunity will just happen and you will be led. Keep trying until you find the right door. 
• It's important to forgive and move on from bad experiences: Don't try to fit in where you are not wanted. I could have continued feeling sorry for myself, but I would not have started writing this book if not for some of the bad experiences that pushed me to try other avenues. 
• I am of value! I started believing I am as important as anyone else. I changed my mindset from "I'd like to be involved", to one where I was thinking: if only they knew how fortunate they would be to have me! I write, I love photography, I love discussing ideas and conducting research and analysis. I was inspired to start writing. I created this book. Finally I have something that I own from my heart, my creation. I took action in spite of rejection. 
• Be thick skinned, and wear emotional armour: Not everyone is going to like you, but find the ones who do. You may not even realise who does not like you, as often people are just too polite to say no, or to say what they really think. I value straight talk. I will not connect with everyone either. I can love everyone as a fellow human being, but I don't necessarily have to be friends with everyone. 
• Reveal the real you to the world, not the masks you wear: Allow people the opportunity to connect with who you really are, not a facade of yourself.

These are just some of the lessons I learnt at a specific point in my life, but I have also realised these were patterns that were potentially hindering me in other areas of life too, not just church. Mindsets are powerful in the ways they direct you, and you are the master of your own mindsets. Identifying limiting patterns is difficult, and changing these patterns may be even more so. You might often think if only you try harder, but sometimes you just need to try differently.

In Conclusion

The best way to change our worlds is to change that which we have control over, especially ourselves. Change the way we think, change our mindsets, change our actions and behaviour, change our emotions. Respond differently to get different reflections. We often think if only we try harder, but sometimes we just need to try differently. The world can be a different place when we find our niche, and live out our purpose.

1 Corinthians 13 (KJV): "11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."