Misunderstandings

Have you ever experienced a misunderstanding? For example, you meet a potential employer for an interview about a new job. Near the end of the interview you say thank you for affording me this opportunity. She looks away quickly, down at her feet, then up again with a more terse expression on her face. You wonder what you said wrong, but you feel you'd rather not ask. In reply to your thank you message, you receive a message from the employer including a sharp point saying that you will not be reimbursed for meeting with her as you asked in the interview, that it was your obligation to get to the interview by your own means. Your first thought is what?! You wonder how you both walked away from the same conversation thinking totally different things. You don't remember most of the conversation now, all you know now is that somehow there was miscommunication. Then you remember using the word "affording"! When you said "affording" you had meant "giving me this opportunity", she heard "affording" and thought you expected her to pay for your costs to get to the interview. You both walked away thinking you had understood, and you both did not think to ask again about what actually happened. You send a friendly reply mentioning that you definitely understand that she is by no means obligated to pay for your costs and you apologise if that was the impression you gave. You later get the job. Only by chance were you able to resolve a misunderstanding, as many employers would not have been so forgiving. This was a real life example, details slightly changed to protect privacy, that happened to someone I know!

The above example illustrates that we can only fix something that we know about or that we suspect has happened. Don't ever assume someone knows something. If they are not fixing a problem, they probably don't know about it. An example would be the blind spots that we don't know about ourselves (see blog article: Blind spots and secrets). If someone is not telling me that something is wrong, I cannot own the problem or do something about it. I might suspect there's a problem and I can ask, but ultimately I need to put it out of sight and out of mind until I am told about it. In the end I hope "Truth Will Out" (Shakespeare, Merchant Of Venice).

Misunderstanding due to culture and behaviour traps
I spoke about culture and behaviour traps in blog article Avoiding snap judgements. If we understand the reason behind someone's behaviour, we may better avoid misunderstanding another's intentions. What might seem like suspect behaviour may become quite reasonable if we understand someone's personal or cultural background. A seemingly aggressive stare in constant eye contact for one person, may be a sign of respect to another.

In conclusion

How many feuds go on in silence for years because of something that could have been spoken about, a simple misunderstanding? Sometimes people avoid each other over generations. We don't always know when we have misunderstood someone, or when we are being misunderstood ourselves in turn. We can only be ourselves and honour our own integrity. Often we hear using our own perception of events and people. If there is a lack of trust, then we will mistrust much of what another says. What would you think when someone you do not trust, who always ignores you, walks up to you with a smile on his face one morning and says, “I’d like to meet later”? If someone is not giving you basic trust that you are working from the right motives, that is his trust issue, not your issue. If you do not trust others, then often you might be the one at fault. Ask someone if there is a problem if you suspect one. If you are told there are no problems, then accept that answer and move on. You can only fix what you know about.

People must earn trust, but do not start from a position of blatant mistrust, as a position of trust deficit will seem like an insurmountable mountain to climb. If you are mistrusted by someone without cause, you are likely to mistrust the person in turn, as that person cannot have your best interests at heart.
Above all, use ethical communication that is direct and to the point, and avoid hinting, as hinting can be misunderstood. Be responsible for your own integrity and allow others the same.

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