Bullying

I believe manipulation, including bullying behaviour, is tied in with anger and hatred. If you have been a victim of subtle exclusion and bullying, you will know the psychological torment involved. It is a form of torture, and it can take an enormous amount of time to recover and find healing and to find yourself again. To know that you were not the one at fault, and only the victim in an oft cruel plot.

Does deliberate political manipulation happen? Is gossip a form of subtle sabotage? What about forming private cliques at work, excluding certain people? Not giving people information required for doing their jobs effectively? Not inviting people to meetings they should be attending? Setting people up for failure in giving them impossible tasks? I remember our department being asked to complete a project for an important stakeholder, and we were told we were all welcome to provide input. I tried to add some information to the project, but the person coordinating the final deliverable kept telling me he didn’t need my additional input, as he had enough people working on the project. Perhaps what I wanted to give him might not have been worthwhile information. But when the project was complete, all of the people who did give input were rewarded and honoured in front of the rest of us for a job well done, and I thought I could have been there too if I had been allowed to. Was I excluded on purpose? Perhaps, perhaps not. But I felt excluded. I felt it was unfair to name certain people only as contributors, when more might have tried to help, and been turned away.

Bullying and abuse does happen. I have seen situations that speak to this. The main way to deal with this is to get truth into the open, to speak about what is happening. Something that is secret is often wrong. If you are a victim of emotional blackmail, to make you obey someone or something, how can this be right? As an example, children will be threatened with harm to keep them quiet about abuse, or will know that divorce may happen if someone finds out – this is a threat to their basic survival.

In a workplace there are certain rules in place, to ensure people know where they stand and what behaviour is expected of them, and people must not go outside the boundaries of these rules, or you will be expected to face consequences. But, as an example, if you are threatened with death or some form of harm to keep obeying someone, I believe there is something wrong. I believe we must cultivate a culture of openness, of allowing people free choice, of ensuring that bullying is not tolerated. The more people who stand up against bullying, the less it will happen. I have seen examples where people are targets of others, perhaps being blocked in career progression, or not being allowed to join certain groups, and the usual reaction from others is to look the other way, to think there must be something wrong with the target, to sometimes gloat, and often just to be glad that it is not happening to you. How quickly tables turn though! If someone is picking on a victim, you might very well be next! Don’t assume the victim is the one at fault, look to the bully to see where the fault lies.

There are honourable ways to approach people and situations: there’s always a right way or a wrong way. The wrong way is when there is no thought as to the humanity of the individual concerned, when you are aiming to hurt the person, perhaps in revenge, or because you believe they deserve an action. How you would you like to be treated if you were in that particular situation? Jesus said, in Matthew 7:12 (World English Bible): “Therefore whatever you desire for men to do to you, you shall also do to them; for this is the law and the prophets.”. If you are unhappy with something someone has done, or a pattern of behaviour, try to address this behaviour directly with the person first. For example, if you are unhappy with behaviour displayed by a teacher towards your child, then speak to the teacher first, and if the behaviour continues, only then speak to the principal. Perhaps the teacher was totally unaware that there was a problem. I believe people want to do what is right, if they are aware of what is expected of them. Make rules clear and be consistent in applying those rules. Discipline that comes seemingly out of the blue seems like a betrayal of trust. Imagine if you are fired for doing something that you did not even know was a problem? You would be utterly shattered! You would think: Why wasn’t I told the rules before? It is common courtesy to give someone the benefit of the doubt in a simple discussion first, especially if that person did not realise they were making a mistake, or trusted you blindly. Just lashing out implies a lack of caring. Perhaps the person in the wrong has a story to tell that would explain behaviour?

I wrote previously about the danger of assuming, and never assume that political manoeuvers are underway by others when there may be other reasons for behaviour. I cannot see someone’s real motive behind behaviour, someone’s heart. This is the danger of assumptions (see article called “Fact Versus Assumption”).

A mentor who helped me immensely pointed out that, most of the time, people are too busy to be scheming up ways to sabotage someone else. People are mostly just concerned about their own lives, and if a person is sabotaging someone else, then there is an enormous amount of emotion caught up in the situation, like raw hatred, and when that person succeeds in small ways, he or she will then try harder and harder to find bigger ways to have the advantage, and in so doing, he may make a mistake and be caught out. The secret is to make sure that your behaviour is ethical at all times, that you do not provide a reason to believe the accusations that may be flying around about you. If you react with aggression or fury to a statement designed to push your hot buttons, and the bully remains calm, you will look bad! People will not believe that you are the victim. They see someone railing in anger, and they see you as a problem to be kept quiet. They might not see where the anger comes from. Try to respond to situations, don’t just react.

Make sure you are not spreading untruths about anyone else. If you gossip about someone, you are not allowing that person a chance to be heard. Gossip does affect your view of someone, even if you say it doesn’t. How will you look on someone you have heard was having an affair with someone else in the past year? What if what you heard was not true? What if the truth had been twisted slightly? Will you ever go and ask the person what really happened? No, you will probably assume it is truth, and she might wonder why you are very polite around her, and exclude her from your groups. Why is it that we often trust the untrustworthy, and do not trust those we should? Have you watched episodes of Survivor, the TV program? Do you notice the pattern I see sometimes when I watch Survivor, where there is often someone spreading lies and gossip about the other contestants, to ensure their own immunity in the vote, and usually the traitor is the one who is believed! Why do people sometimes believe the person who comes forward and says, as an example, “be careful of Jane because she is devious”? What if Jane is actually the most trustworthy person? But who will trust anything Jane says after that? This is the danger of gossip.

If you hear something about someone, especially if it affects your working environment and relationship, always try to get everyone concerned together in the room for one meeting, to hear all points of view. Then truth will show itself.