Loneliness

Have you ever had your child tell you that she feels excluded and her friends are not playing with her? This was me when I was in Primary School, where there were occasions when I was a lonely little girl watching on whilst other children played.

My best friend moved schools and I did not really know anyone else, and I remember once watching some older children play skipping rope, taking turns, and I stood slightly off to the side, trying to be part of the group, hoping for a turn. Someone called out to me to join in and I did, and got a bit tangled in the rope in the process, as I hadn't jumped rope before. There were other times I just wandered around alone, standing nonchalantly about hoping no-one would notice that I was on my own, trying hard not to call attention to myself. And then, as I mentioned in another post, there were times I preferred to be alone to being with someone I did not want to be around. No wonder there were times I was alone!

How do I get around these occasions with my own children? Have you noticed that if you say things like "don't be negative" or "cheer up", this doesn't quite work? This is like negative reinforcement, reminding your child of what she must not do, not what she could be doing. Try reminding your child how friendly she is, what a great smile she has, how caring she can be, of the times when you've seen children running past her at a school event and laughing their hellos, and how she smiled happily back. Bring back belief in the wonderful little person that she is, and that she will be.

What about as an adult? Loneliness is a reality for many people. It is easy to say join a group and meet people, but being accepted by people is not a given. You don’t just go to church and automatically find friends. You can be loneliest in a crowd of people where everyone seems to know each other. Big groups especially can be very anonymous, where it is easy to be missed. Have you ever blended in so well that no-one noticed you? I found this when I moved countries. I looked like all the other Australians around me, but I am different, I am a foreigner. I watched as, many times, people who were markedly different were sought out and made to feel welcome, and no-one seemed to even see me. So what do you do? Smile! Try say hello to others first. Try use welcoming body language: if you have crossed arms, you may look defensive and your body is saying keep away, so uncross your arms and let them hang, relaxedly, at your sides. Be yourself, and there will be people who are attracted to the unique original person that you are. There’s a circle of community for everyone.