Jesus said, Luke 6 (World English Bible): "To him who strikes you on the cheek, offer also the other; and from him who takes away your cloak, don't withhold your coat also."
Someone once shared digital images on facebook with me, that included the picture of a woman in an extremely skimpy bikini, almost non-existent, alongside an olden day picture that I didn't really look at, words underneath written in Spanish. I couldn't read the words, and felt offended at seeing the image. Why would my friend be interested in such an image, and why would she think I would be interested?! What would people think of me if they saw this image on my facebook profile? I sent her a short, somewhat terse, note asking her why she sent me the image, and that I did not appreciate receiving it. To give her the benefit of the doubt, I asked her what the words meant. She wrote back saying how offended she was at my comments, and couldn't I see that there were words of courage and wisdom included on the originating facebook page, and that the bikini image just showed how much the world had changed, as previously people almost seemed to be fully dressed when they wore a swimming outfit, whereas in this modern world it's acceptable to hardly seem to be dressed - how much the world has changed!
These are a few thoughts that this event triggered:
- I realised that the image, the picture, was all important. I saw an image that offended me, and I did not read what was being said. I did not see the context. How easily we judge based on what we see, without considering context further!
- There is danger in making assumptions. I needed to get all the facts. Make sure you do ask someone for more information if you see there may be more to a story. I had made certain assumptions without knowing the full story. I did not even realise there was more to the story.
- Never make accusations! Don't accuse someone of sending something offensive to you if you don't know this for us. Perhaps an applicable conversation in this case would be to say "I felt uncomfortable when I received the image of the woman dressed in the skimpy bikini. Was there a reason you did so? Please don't send something like that to me again". If you suspect you are being bullied, don't say "stop bullying me!", say "I feel isolated when you exclude me from meetings, and this is stopping me from doing my job. In future would you please invite me to relevant meetings". An unfounded accusation can damage a relationship.
- I was in the wrong. I had to humbly apologise and my friend was gracious enough to forgive me. I made certain assumptions as to what my friend had been thinking in sending me the image. She was trying to be nice and share an amazing concept. I wrongly assumed it was something else.
- The view I had of my friend almost changed in an instant due to one single event. How could I start thinking thought like this of someone I had known for so long? A chance image almost changed the whole way I viewed her. And even if it was offensive, others might appreciate it. Perhaps too she hadn't been the one sending the image to me, as it could have been an imposter doing so in her place.
- I should have approached the situation with more tact. In conflict management and assertiveness training one learns that the importance of the relationship determines the approach used. If I still want to have her as a friend I must be careful of what I say. The world revolves around relationships. People have feelings and can be hurt by unthinking comments.
- We each have our own values. I can still be her friend whatever her viewpoints are, and I don't have to look at what she sends me. But I also know that if there are too many conflicting values then we might find we see and hear less from each other.
- My friend told me she would never have thought I'd be offended by anything as I am an open minded person and do not strike her as very conservative. Whilst I do like to be open to new ideas, I am actually very conservative at heart. Sometimes we can go for years having a certain view about people and not know the true picture, until a chance event happens. Sometimes a chance event gives us more insight into someone, and this may be both positive or negative.
- Be truly sorry when you apologise. If I wasn't sincere in my apology, I may have lost my friend.
- We all have good and bad sides to us, though in this case my friend was not at fault. Allow for other people's mistakes, just as you hope they allow for your mistakes.
- Arguments happen so easily. This situation could have spiralled out of control, and we might never have spoken to each other again. As Jesus said in the verse above, roll with the punches you receive - the best way to defuse an argument is to remain calm. If you fight back, an argument will happen. Emotions can easily get out of control.
- I also realised that sometimes the best message can easily be tainted by perception. Just the name of this blog may offend certain people, as "black swan" has come to mean something dark and provocative. But black swans are beautiful birds, God's creation! A black swan event is an amazing occurrence that pushes the world into an amazing new paradigm. Perhaps it's time to change bad perception to good again!
There are lessons to learn from most situations, stories all around us. Try see things that happen as an opportunity for growth. Analyse what you see. You may be surprised at the insights you come to. This is a complicated world!
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