The Subtle Art of Bullying: I Heard You Said...

Have you ever been accused of saying something that you in reality were just a listener to? I remember numerous times when someone would come up to me and say something, and later I would hear by chance that I was accused of making that statement. For example, a particular person, call him Jim, would sidle up to me and say, "The new manager in this area is changing everything without asking and is headed for a fall", and I might have looked blankly at him and kept quiet, after all Jim is one of my superiors and I don't really know the new manager. Then a few days later I hear Jim telling someone I said the new manager is inept, and I think, "huh?".

Have any of you experienced the same thing happening? I seem to bump into this a lot. Is this perhaps an example of a misunderstanding, where people walk away from a conversation having totally different viewpoints and even memories? I am sure I have also made mistakes similar to this scenario, assuming someone was agreeing with my conversation when he or she might have been humouring me instead. Is Jim just stating what he fully believes I also believe, and somehow remembers me saying? Or is this a bullying tactic, and at the time he made the statement, was he actively goading me into agreeing with him so he would have ammunition against me later, and because I said nothing, he thought I did agree? I hope this latter, bullying, motive is not true. And of course Jim would have to keep a lot of thoughts in place and remember a lot of detail, and sometime is bound to make a mistake in the game he plays to discredit me and anyone else.

Jim should be told not everyone shows agreement by keeping quiet, which I have read most people do, and I know I often follow the opposite pattern: I may keep quiet because what someone has said to me hasn't quite sunk in yet, and I will replay the conversation in my mind later before forming a conclusion. And I often keep quiet because, as in this example, Jim is entitled to his own opinion, though I do believe it is a good idea to make my own thoughts known, but in so doing this sometimes causes arguments. For example, a pastor in church was speaking about end times saying weather has gone haywire, and someone next to me commented that there is usually a scientific explanation too, and I did have a lot I could have said in reply! But the sermon was ongoing, and I did not know the person next to me, and my own thoughts were not crystallised around this topic, and maybe she was scoffing at scientists not necessarily the pastor, and, and, and... So I started mumbling a reply and then decided to keep quiet instead. So just because I keep quiet does not mean I agree with what anyone may say, though I am trying to make it a habit to state my own opinion, but sometimes the less said the better (bear in mind the Bible does admonish us to guide people where we know they are doing wrong, or we are guilty of doing wrong too). The only way to find out what I really believe is to ask me a direct question, and then you may get an answer.

What I sometimes wonder is, do bullies know they are perceived as bullies by their target? Is the target sometimes seen as the bully in return, by the bully and others? After all, I have not always been a silent target and know this has caused problems for me?

What would Jesus say in all cases of bullying? I am sure he would not want us to be walked all over, as he said, "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." (Matthew 10:16 KJV), so it is perfectly acceptable to be assertive and stand up for truth and state facts.

And most importantly, I believe these words Jesus spoke applies when we are bullied, as we then truly show what being a Christian means and we do not allow people to believe what the bully may be saying about us: "Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:43-48 KJV).