What Does a Second Chance Look Like?

I believe in giving people second chances. I know that God gives people second chances. But what does a second chance look like in the world we live in?

For example, perhaps you said and did quite a few wrong things to your colleagues at work and your manager fired you. You now have to find another company that will hire you, but your record says that you were fired. Or it is even possible that you approach your previous manager again after a few months, wholly repentant, and you ask for another opportunity to prove your worth. In any of these scenarios, you will count yourself fortunate if you are given a second chance to work in that line of work again and to make things work out.

But what will your second chance look like? Your record shows the mistakes that you are prone to make and perhaps you are prone to repeat patternd of behaviour you are unable to shake. Perhaps you are even unable to totally see where you are going wrong, but you know something is amiss and needs to change. Your second chance may be couched in tough terms, for example, the manager may say you may work here, but these are the conditions you must work under and after three months we will give you more freedom in your role, but this is a necessary probation period to prove that you have changed. Will you take this opportunity, which is a seocnd chance, though it might look like a set of confining conditions, or do you walk away?

Second chances in this world don't necessarily mean all is forgiven and the slate is wiped clean and you are free to start from scratch again. People may have been hurt. People have long memories. Second chances sometimes mean you have to prove yourself and to start below where you started out initially. You have to earn trust. You have to show you are repentant and that you have changed.

Don't waste the second chances you are given because they seem to have too strict conditions attached. You were at fault and you need to make amends and to work for your freedom. People may understand that you have been through a tough life and that you may have patterns that need to change, but they will not accept, at least not more than a few times, continual negative patterns of destructive behaviour that impact others. You have a choice--you can change. Recognise that this opportunity may never come your way again and work hard to show you can break through the barriers of the past, and change your limiting behaviour patterns. Grab hold of your second chances when they come your way.

Lesson From Bella--Being Unaware of Wrongdoing

In my blog post titled, Lesson From Bella--Just Stay Where You Are, I mentioned that Bella the dog sneaks onto a softer blanket than her designated blanket at any opportunity, yet when I find her there and get angry because she has moved there yet again, she cowers as if unaware of what she has done. Surely this time she must know that she has done wrong, I think, yet still Bella cowers and stays put until I pick her up and carry her back to her blanket. I have realised that if she truly did know that she was doing wrong, she would show guilt and run back to her own blanket as soon as she saw me walk into the room.

I have realised that the same concept may apply to people, for example, I might think someone is deliberately being tardy if he or she is always late for meetings; it is easy to draw the conclusion that the person is doing this deliberately and wilfully, especially if it is a pattern of regular behaviour. Yet assumptions are dangerous and I need to check my assumption with the person concerned. More importantly, I should tell the person exactly what is bothering me, or the situation may continue unchecked and may be detrimental to both of us eventually. And there may be valid reasons for the person constantly arriving late. A general statement in the office that states that people must be on time might not  resolve the problem, for the person might genuinely believe that being five minutes late is on time.

So often we see slights against us or we assume deliberate malignant behaviour, yet perhaps most of the time people are innocent and oblivious to their own faulty patterns of behaviour. Clarifying assumptions and clear communication might avoid much hurt later.

The Problem with Money When Motivating For Charity

Fictitious case study: Volunteers decide to start a charity out of compassion for people. The charity grows so big it is able to begin to pay the volunteers for their time. People move into positions of power. They ask for volunteers to keep running the tasks that help the community directly. Paid employees do the "real work", like data reports and admin. The charity influences the government to cut social security payments, so people in the community can go back to work and rely on them less, but what really happens is that the demand for the charity's services grow. The charity now puts out word that they need more funding. Most of the funding goes to keep the charity's staff employed. Volunteers keep running the community services.

This is  a hypothetical situation and there are many wonderful charities out there, with wonderful intentions, but there may also be some organisations out there where there good intentions are a front for self interest.  Hopefully we will be able to tell the difference.

Challenges:

• How does one ensure that most of the funding given to charities goes to the people in the community who need it, not to support the charity's structures?

• How do you ensure that volunteers are still willing to give time when they see people around them being paid to do the same tasks that they do, or sometimes even less work? Or do you make it a rule to pay all or none?

• Awareness  of the dynamics that exist between organisations and their network structures, e.g. between this charity and government. If a charity can influence government decisions, why did they make the request to cut people's source of money? Was it to do good to the community, or to assist themselves?

Lesson From Bella--Just Stay Where You Are

We have a small dog called Bella. I have written about her before. Bella loves to lie on soft blankets. I will often spread out a blanket for her to lie on, usually on the couch, so that she can be part of the family life inside. The problem with Bella is that she is not satisfied staying on that blanket. She will sometimes wait until I am out of the room and then sneak into another spot, often onto a softer blanket. When she does this, I tell her she is a bad dog for not listening and I expect her to act as if she is guilty and to move, yet usually she cowers where she is and doesn't seem to understand what she has done wrong. I guess from her point of view, she was merely moving to where it seemed warmer, and then I came in and began to yell at her for no reason that she understood. This is like wondering why someone keeps doing the same thing wrong over and over, but have you ever explained to the person what he or she was doing wrong? Maybe the person has no idea! Of course, if Bella keeps doing this, I'm going to send her outside or to another spot where she can't get onto the other blankets, so she should have remained where she was.

Something else that Bella will sometimes do is get up from where she was lying down quite comfortably, to see what I am doing in the kitchen. Normally I am not doing much that would interest her, and then I get irritated when I see Bella hovering, watching me, so I open the kitchen door and let her out. Of course she didn't really want to go outside, she wanted to see what I am doing, in case she missed something, and I might hear her whining outside to be let in a short while later. If only she would understand that she should remain where she is in the first place, as it is much more comfortable, than to make a nuisance of herself.


So, on the one hand, Bella sneaks off to find a more comfortable spot, or on the other hand, she sneaks off to see what other people are up to. Both times, if she only stayed where she was, she might be happier. I guess there is a lesson for people in that too!

Preventing Childhood Sexual Abuse

I read an article today that said that consensual sex between a child and an adult is not really rape--I can vaguely see why this man would say this, because he thought the child went along with what he wanted. But did the child really? A child does not normally go around wanting to have sex with adults. A child has no concept of sex unless this is taught to the child by someone else, be this by an adult, from a growing up program at school (leading to experimentation), or from other children. So, somehow, the child thought or learnt that this behaviour would be rewarded. I would suggest that if someone has what he terms, "consensual sex" with a child, that that someone was devious enough to manipulate such a child into rewarding sexual behaviour, perhaps for treats or by giving and withholding love.

If you ask most children, do you want to try this, be it anything, the child will agree, often not knowing what is to come. Children have a real desire to please adults. What happens when a child is asked to show their privates to a trusted adult? Some will agree. Not all of them, but then these children are excluded from further grooming if there are other children available as targets. If there are no other targets, for example, in a closed family environment, the perpetrator might try just the harder to convince the child to trade favours. All the while, the perpetrator will make sure the child keeps a secret and also that the child knows that he or she is party to this deviant behaviour, so that the child feels enough shame and guilt to keep quiet. Often a child will keep quiet because there is genuine love for the perpetrator and the child does not want him or her to get into trouble.

What can be done? Firstly, all child sexual abuse is wrong. If you are approached by a child sexually, make sure you  ignore the behaviour. Don't be fooled into thinking the child truly desires sex, especially if puberty hasn't hit. Make sure you report the behaviour too. Sometimes this behaviour can be learnt innocently on the playground, because children do have a fascination for differences, or else it could have been learnt from an older child (this could even be an abused child), but what if it was learnt by an adult's approach? Secondly, teach your child to say a firm, "no!" if approached. Perpetrators choose their targets carefully, and a child who is firm about boundaries will likely be safer. Thirdly, never condone sexual acts on children!

The Devil Is In the Details--Musing on Interpretation

I've wondered about the expression, the devil is in the details. Today I read in Wikipedia that a similar expression is, God is in the detail. So, right from the beginning of my blog article, I spot a difference of interpretation!

I grew up in a family home that God was not part of. Sundays were days to go and visit family. Church was ignored. I changed my beliefs only a few short years ago in my adult years and began to go to church. I became fixated on which denomination was the right one for me. And then I tried to volunteer at the first church I attended in earnest and found this was a difficult thing to do. Why?! I understand now that I was perhaps too impatient and did not understand cultural norms, but that particular church did not feel right for me then, especially when a Pastor ignored my questioning this, and I walked on. I began to attend a few churches, to see which one felt right. None did. For example, I wondered why none of the churches emphasised the Ten Commandments. This was important to me, something I kept as a marker in the back of my mind, perhaps a holdover from attending Catholic Church a few times with my mom. I brought the topic up in a training course for new Christians at the next church, one I was invited to and which I then decided on, and they said The Law was done away with for new Christians. I didn't know what they meant: of course I was not going to celebrate Passover, but surely the Ten Commandments was still important? So I began to attend a church that kept the Saturday Sabbath, because maybe that was what the Ten Commandments was trying to tell me. And then an elderly person I met there died of cancer, and I felt lost again, and in addition I wondered why they collected money on the Sabbath, for Jewish people do not collect money on their Saturday Sabbath, and after that I lost my desire to celebrate Saturday Sabbath. So I was back to wondering which church was right for me. I decided to go back to one I left. It is difficult to find a church if you have not grown up as part of a particular denomination. In fact, I discovered people questioned why I wanted to attend some of the churches I did, because they seemed to find it odd that I would just arrive out of nowhere. I think I have settled on a church now and I pray God leads the way for me.

In all of the above, I see that the devil may be in the detail. One can say one follows God, but are the Ten Commandments important, or aren't they? Is the name of God, Jehovah and/or Yahweh, or should we just say God or LORD or Lord? And some people say Jesus is Yahweh and some say He is the Son of God, not to be confused with Yahweh, God the Father. So, the devil may be in the details, because these details can lead us astray from following God. In many ways I wish I could but say, I am a Christian and I follow the Bible the best way I can, and there are no denominations, only churches with different cultures and their own different ways of interpreting the Bible, but the Bible is the real cornerstone. Yet, even Bibles have different translations, and I learnt recently that the original Hebrew that used to have written YHWH (Yahweh) and Adonai was replaced by LORD and Lord respectively. I used to think Lord and LORD were the same, just the one with more of an emphasis, but they actually reference the names of different divinities  Should I therefore just use the word God so I don't go wrong? But I was once present in a room where many people took an oath under God, and there were many different religions present--they were taking oaths to different Gods. I would like to know my God by name.

Just as the devil may be in the details, God is also in the detail, because there is untruth and somehow, somewhere, there is also God's truth.

Father God in Heaven, I pray that from this moment on, you lead us into truth, so we may worship you in spirit and in truth. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

My Personal Brand: a Different View of Life

I missed attending a short training course I was told about called "Building a Personal Brand", but it is a topic I have thought about and it has relevance for me as a writer.

How would I describe my personal brand to my readers? I write about different ways to view everyday subjects and thereby a change in perception. I write about my view of the world, which is often very different from the norm. I write about all I have learnt on my own journey, much of this from leadership skills trainig courses, yet I see that this information learnt is of relevance to everyone, not only to leaders. And I see that I write about what people are normally advised to steer clear of. I write about the things I see that irritate me and where I think things should be different. I write about religion and sometimes about politics, though not politics from a political party point of view, just things that I see as possibly pertaining to politics, for example, that I disagree with majority votes or my views on discimination. In short, what I write is personal opinion.

A book expert once asked me, how am I qualified to write about the topics that I do write about. My first reaction was to go on the defensive, as I felt on the backfoot, and to retaliate with my expertise: I mentioned that I have a degree with a major in psychology and that I have attended a number of short personal leadership courses, but yet I realise that this did not really qualify. For me to be seen as an expert, I would need to study more. But would a postgraduate degree really make a difference to who I already am? Ultimately, no, though many of my ideas are fluid and change as I gain new insights. I hope the ideas can stand on their own, irrespective of who I actually am, and for my readers to ponder and come to their own insights. I see myself as a catalyst for change, as people may disagree with what I write, but then this may spark additional views and insight.

What is important to me is that I write about what I know. I am qualified to write about my topics because I have lived them. I have not researched my topics extensively, in fact when I first began to write, I made a point to steer clear of research so I could write what I know and how I see things without being influenced by others. Of course, I did not come to these insights alone and I have read widely and some of what I write about may have been part of my psychology studies too, but I don't always remember which parts were, because the knowledge is an innate part of me now and is the sum total of my experiences.

I may research my topics more extensively to write further books, especially as I would like to put down some of the key learnings I found useful. Hopefully I will get there someday.

My personal brand is life; complicated and oft painful life as I see it through my own lenses of perception. I hope you may find some of your own insights through my viewpoints. I would love to take a journey with all who read my thoughts and thereby to expand my perception to greater insights in future.

Link to related blog articles:
What is the business case for my blog?
Who do I write to?
Why did I write my (first) book?

What Others May Say

How often are we influenced by what others may say, be this the media or the opinions of other people?

I happened upon a website slamming a church I had thoughts of attending. I read the comments on the website aghast--so many people uniting together to warn people away, each one telling a personal tale of bad experiences. Yet, when I read some of the stories I thought, most of these deal with insinuations only, or interpretations of specific Pastor's sermons which I thought seemed to have been twisted. For example, someone would say, the church's financial fund is a problem, but there were no facts to back this up. I decided I would rather ignore what I read and decide for myself. But still, I find myself hearkening back to some of the words. I discovered that it is very difficult to ignore something one finds out about someone or an organisation, even if one might say one ignores gossip. Yet, are the statements truth or not? In the interim, I have discovered many other churches have websites warning against them.

I can say anything about anyone, especially if it's done in secret, and who can refute my allegations? Yet my words may spread and taint other people's views of the person or organisation. Perhaps what I have said has been in good faith, because I truly fear and wish to warn people away, or it could be said from an impure motive. This can happen to me too. It could happen to you.

Often there is an element of truth in what is said, for example, perhaps a person did have a bad experience with someone at the church mentioned previously, but it doesn't mean the entire church is like that. Or there could be a perception problem due to a cultural mismatch between both parties. When there are many saying the same thing, then one does need to be more aware that this might be truth and time will tell.

How does one deal with untrue allegations? Often there is not much one can do, besides to ignore what is being said and wait for truth to come to light. Sometimes you may not even know that allegations have been made, but you might see the symptoms of these in people's behaviour towards you. If you react badly to an untrue allegation, for example, by shouting that you are being bullied, then this might lend credence to the bully's allegations. I would suggest that if you suspect gossip, but don't know the content, then ignore this as you can only take action if you have something to take action against. If you do know what the content is, then perhaps a statement to the contrary might help, to say you deny what is being said. But don't act as if you are guilty, because people might think you are. In the church's case, I would recommend they post a statement saying that they refute the allegations and that they take exception to anonymous defamation, but then again, perhaps they don't want to give the website more visibility than it currently has by pointing this out.

Implicit Meaning Versus Explicit Statements

I have realised that people have a tendency to assume a question has been asked, or a request made, when often something has only been implied. This has implications particularly in bullying situations, because often we listen to the implied message, yet no real message has been explicitly stated, making it easy for us to be manipulated.

It is difficult for me to think of real world examples to illustrate what I mean, but a simple example might be, "If I were you I would leave here and not come back". The person who is one the receiving end of this might assume that he or she has been ordered to leave, especially if someone in authority says something like this, but this is only an implied statement. If the person saying this had said instead, "You must leave", then that would be an explicit order. But the initial statement carries an implied meaning only and is akin to manipulation. If you listen to a statement like this, and in this case do leave, then you make the other person's job easy, because the person can refute that he or she ever asked you specifically to leave and you are reading in meaning that was not explicitly stated.

Another simple example of this phenomenon might be if a friend says, "When are you going to that new coffee place that opened?" and you then assume you must invite the person to go for coffee with you to the place mentioned, and perhaps this is what the person might want you to do, but stop and ask yourself, have they actually asked that? Answer the question and do not read more than that into what is being asked. Wait for someone to ask directly, instead of making an assumption. Your assumption could be something the other person was fishing for, but you could also be off the mark and this could lead to embarrassment.

Reading into statements does have some advantages. If someone says, I have a family member who is ill, and then says lets gather together for prayer, the person likely would like prayer for his or her own family member. Try to ask to be sure. But don't blindly assume this is what was meant.

Open and clear communication is best, but make sure you enforce this too from your side, by listening for meaning.

Being Told to Leave Because You Disrupt Team Dynamics

I have seen and experienced many a time that teams will kick out a person for causing waves because they say it keeps the peace. Sometimes the reason is because an ethical person is bullied by unethical team members and the person decides to push back, not allowing this to happen.

If you do this for a team without addressing underlying core issues, you are then stuck with some team members who are corrupt, and who might cause more problems for you later on.

What happens if these same unethical people begin to bite the hands that feed them, because they see this as a better option? Such people will go with the flow and keep the peace only when it suits them and they easily jump ship.

Rather, uncover the truth behind a situation. You may discover there is danger within and save your organisation from much distress later.

The Danger of Stereotypes

Why do we continue to speak in stereotypes and fail to see individuals?

If we see people as individuals, we may realise that the children we see around us today are not the same people as in yesterday's history, as many of these children are just as much the victims of the actions of their ancestors. And we might realise that not all the people of history long past were bad people either, even if they looked the same as each other.

Adam and Eve and Types of People

I thought to myself this morning, it is totally believable that all types of people have a same common ancestor in Adam and Eve.

Just think of the example of dogs: All breeds of dogs originate from the same basic genetic pool, I have read. Put the different types of dogs next to each other, from a tiny Chihuahua all the way through to a Great Dane and many varieties in between--many different colours, long hairs, short hairs, hair-less, wrinkled dogs. The same is true for cows or sheep or rabbits and many animals that man owns. There is usually a common ancestor of all of these many different varieties of animals who are of so many different shades and sizes due to targeted breeding.

Do the same with different ethnic groups of people. The most differentiated we are from each other is skin colour, eye shape, hair, and sometimes body length (for example, think of the Maasai and the Pygmy peoples in Africa.

Suddenly people seem very much the same. The tower of Babel makes sense.

I hope no-one finds this offensive, I just sat here today and thought, wow, we are so alike, surely we can see ourselves as the same and learn to get along better.

Heart's Destiny

It's never too late to start life anew...well, within reason of course.

My parents could not afford to send me to university or technikon after school, so I missed out on doing a job I had set my heart on since childhood. When I left school I was forced into working in a job where I hadn't planned to be, and I was always looking towards the future to when I could begin to study towards my dream. And then it was years later and I was still waiting and my heart changed and I never did follow my dream. But all the experience I have gained through the years has now helped me to write the book I am busy with. God restores.

My book may never be successful, but I am following my heart now. The only thing I should still do, is study how to write well, as I have never studied the art of writing!

Yet I wonder, if I pause to actually study the craft of writing, I might just never get this book written. Now that is irony.

To Love and Spread Love

I once encountered a boy who had the brightest of smiles. His laugh was infectious. His eyes lit up. But he was paralysed by his exterior, chained in a body captive by cerebral palsy.

Cerebral Palsy presents differently in different people, and for this young lad, it meant he could not walk, or talk, or control his movements. He was totally dependent on those around him to supply all his needs, for example, he needed to be fed, bathed, clothed, and moved. Most strangers thought he was unintelligent, and spoke around him as if he did not exist. Imagine what it must be like for you to hear and understand everything being said around you, often decidedly negative comments, and to be unable to respond, unable to say something back in defence? To have no real voice of your own? To lie immobile while the hours tick past, day after day, week after week, year after year? To see your playmates grow up alongside you and see your potential self reflected in them? To be able to run in your imagination only? How significant was this child’s inner world to him: his imagination, his mind?

Yet this child wrote about his love for others, especially his family. He was filled with inner strength and love for God. He wrote about how grateful he was for what he had and said he could rise above any circumstance that came his way, and he said that you can too, we all can. Nothing is impossible, only our mindsets hold us back.

We Can All Learn From His Example

These are just a few of the life lessons that I believe honour this young man’s legacy:

• Smile: This boy had a beautiful smile. I was captivated by his life force staring out through his smile.
• Do not judge by the exterior: He was a boy with hopes and dreams just like other children.  He might have had a twisted body racked by pain, but he had dreams, and hopes, and wanted to run and play and free his mind, and what a brilliant mind he had.
• Accept others for who they are: See past the outward behaviour and the exterior. This child accepted others, even those who ignored him. Some people saw him as worthless, but others who knew his heart and mind saw him as beautiful.
• Everyone has something to give: For some, it is dancing. For others, it is writing. Each person has talents to use, that help make the world a better place. This lad wrote a book. He loved and spread love.
• The value of a positive mindset: In spite of all the challenges he faced, he wrote about his inner peace and positive hope for the future. He made things happen in spite of adversity. Search for your own peace. Perhaps it is having faith in your own abilities and knowing you will be able to triumph in any circumstance that life throws at you?
• Use your strengths: This young man had a brilliant mind, though his body kept him captive. He was empowered by his writing and his vision for others.
• It is better to develop strengths than focus on weaknesses: Though he would never walk, he had an undiscovered talent in his mind, which he was able to free by writing, and when he was able to do this, hopes became realities.
• Listen: Some people do not have a voice. Be sensitive to what people are saying, even if they cannot say it properly, or at all. Watch for hidden messages in body language. Look for pain when people are hiding behind their masks. See joy when passion is alight.
• Happiness in acceptance: Throughout all of his experiences, he never complained, he accepted his life for what it was, and enjoyed his moments. He believed in God and praised Him for giving him life. He loved.
• Your hurts can help others: This young man did not want his story to be repeated in other people’s lives unnecessarily and he took action through writing. He wanted to give hope and a voice to the voiceless. He dreamed of creating a better world for all. This child's life was tragically cut short before he became an adult, but his legacy lives on. Your own story has strength to help others. The hurdles you have overcome are a testimony to light the way for other people. I believe God can turn your obstacles into opportunities (see the chapter called “Love and Happiness”, the section called “Obstacles, Opportunities, and Managing Expectations”).
• Everyone has purpose: You might see your purpose as small, but everyone adds something to this world. No matter what you do, see yourself as part of the big picture, moving towards a wonderful future vision, and the insignificant becomes significant.

Hope for All Who Have Dreams to Live

This young man’s story is about happiness in spite of circumstance. We can all learn from his life and wonder at his upbeat peaceful mindset. His personal tale shows his triumph over circumstance, and how mindsets and opportunity taken are some of the keys to happiness in life. You may not feel you are successful in life, and success means different things to different people, but you can find happiness in your own identity, and can make sure you honour your own purpose.

Let us look with fresh eyes at people who have physical or intellectual challenges, and allow them a chance to reveal their talents and purpose and to live their dreams. Allow this child’s legacy to live on in a message of hope for all. His story provides inspiration for all who still have dreams to live.

Acclaim May Be Separate From Worth

What defines worth? I see worth as the innate value of something or someone, be it realised value, or still to be realised value, which is potential.

Take the example of two music bands. Both may have been forged during childhood by a group of friends who started by thrashing out a few sounds together after school. They played together in garages and spare rooms and eventually progressed to the school stage. Each was ecstatic when they recorded their first demo CD and began to send these out to be noticed. One group found success with the first producer who listened to them and he gave them a recording contract. They recorded their first official CD and this played to worldwide acclaim and reached number one on music charts within a short space of time. The other group was ignored by people time after time. This music band did not ever get the break they were hoping for. Their best success was found in packed smoky pubs, playing to mesmerised audiences. They began to lose hope that their music was of value. How could they be worth much if no-one paid attention? Yet, unbeknownst to them, they had a unique sound and were incredibly talented. This band might potentially have been more successful than the first band if they had been given that same initial chance to be heard.

Do you judge your self-worth based on the opinions of other people? Just because you may be overlooked or ignored by one person, or even by many people, does not mean you are worth any less than someone else who has found acclaim. You may be worth more than you might ever dream possible. Look to God for the real measure of your worth. God loves everyone. Everyone has purpose.

Link to related blog article:
Sing, Sing a Song 

Note: Chapter two of my first book is changing slightly--it has always been focused on worth, but this was not explicitly stated and I am therefore making a few small changes to the book before rereleasing it, for example, my own personal testimony which was previously part of the chapter will be moving to the end of the book as an addendum.

What Is Love? (Unconditional Acceptance)

Jesus said you must love your neighbour as you love yourself (Matthew 22:39). Firstly, what does it mean to love yourself? I am sure this does not mean an egotistical, boasting type of love, but more to be self accepting and confident and to be yourself. And then, what does it mean to love a neighbour? Jesus gave the example of the good Samaritan (read blog article: The Samaritan Who Helped a Stranger), a story of a Jewish person who lay injured at the side of the road and who was ignored by a few people who passed him by, someone even crossing over to the other side of the road to avoid dealing with the problem in front of him, until a Samaritan came along, and he happened to be a person of another race. The Samaritan did all he could to help the injured man; he transported him to an inn on his donkey and paid for his board and lodging until the person was fully healed. Jesus could have used the example of any other person and any other race; He happened to use the example of a Samaritan, probably as there was division between Jewish people and Samaritan people in those days and the two types of people usually avoided any contact with each other.

Jesus used this example of the Samaritan helping a total stranger to show us what love is. Unconditional love. The Samaritan did not ask for anything in return. He did not want the injured stranger to repay him. He did not check to see if the man deserved his help first and was of good character. He merely saw that the injured man needed help and he gave him the help that he could. Did you notice that the Samaritan person did not attempt to keep in contact with the injured person afterwards? There was no emotional connection, merely compassion for someone who was injured and he helped him until he no longer needed assistance and then the Samaritan was on his way.

Unconditional love. Unconditional acceptance. How does this translate to modern society? Imagine seeing someone who is homeless--do you offer the person a room at your house until the person finds a job? It is a difficult question because of the world we currently live in and the many horror stories one might hear of kindness being repaid with harm, so one does need to be careful as you know nothing of the person and whether or not the person presents a danger, though I have heard amazing stories of people doing such kind acts. Perhaps you might offer a place to stay if you own a vacant rental property, for example. There are risks involved when you deal with strangers on a personal level and I would suggest instead that someone who is homeless is put into contact with an organisation who could help (hopefully there is an organisation available in the country concerned). I am a big believer in ensuring charities exist who can help all people, regardless of plight.

How might you help, personally? Imagine if you see someone in need, perhaps someone new to your church or community, and you give the person your time to listen? You do not need to befriend the person, though of course the person may be searching for friends and might perceive your kindness as friendship. To avoid becoming tangled in a friendship you may not want, even though you would like to help, it is important to state your boundaries up front. You may say, I am here to listen if you need someone to talk to and I will meet with you if you would like some of my time, but I cannot be friends with you as I am struggling as it is to keep up with my current relationships.

Does this sound harsh? I believe it is best to be honest and this may avoid problems later if the person becomes demanding. Remember, you know nothing about the person. Perhaps the person won't become a nuisance, but perhaps the person might. This is akin to counselling. I believe professional healing relationships work because of the perceived unconditional acceptance of the relationship. If you go for counselling, you meet with someone who is a total stranger at first and is someone who listens to you and who you begin to feel really understands and accepts you as you are. The counsellor does not judge you, but many counsellors may offer advice and will also tell you if your behaviour is unacceptable, for example, if you try to phone at 2am in the morning you will find the counsellor will not respond and may chat with you later to tell you which hours are acceptable hours to phone. In such healing relationships, manipulative behaviour has no place and such behaviour is usually dropped in favour of a genuine transactional relationship. The relationship is time bound, until the counsellor sees you no longer need therapy. You may grieve the loss of your counsellor, but the person is usually available again if you feel you need to return to therapy, unless of course the counsellor has moved on, as people do in life.

Think of God.; God gives unconditional love and acceptance. Isn't this the most powerful healing relationship there is? God will not accept your bad behaviour and will guide you to change, but He will always accept you.

Filling In the Gaps

Have you thought about how often we fill in the gaps? And by doing so how wrong we can be, or how easy it is to change the truth of an event?

What do I mean? Take the example of seeing a woman crying on the side of the road as a man hovers over here, looking angry and he then speeds off in his car. You might assume any number of scenarios, for example, they have had an argument and he has dumped her on the side of the road and left her there to make her own way back home. What if truth was very different, for example, perhaps she made a reckless dash across the road directly in front of his path and he swerved to avoid her, almost hitting a child in the process, and he then stopped to shout at her for endangering people's lives?

I have realised we often may also fill in the gaps when we speak about everyday occurrences. An example might be if you have an accident in your car and realise you have narrowly avoided slamming into a cyclist and you watch in relief as she walks away wheeling her bicycle. When you talk about the incident, you might say she walked down the road and you didn't see her and you collided with her bicycle as you turned the corner. Yet, did you actually see her walk down the road wheeling her bicycle? Might she have been standing stationary on the island in the middle of the road? Or did she perhaps come flying down the road on her bicycle going in the opposite direction to traffic? The better truth might in fact be more along the lines of, you turned a corner and heard a crash and got a fright as you realised you hit something and you stopped your car and only then did you see a women next to your car looking at you with a shocked expression and you thought you must have hit her bicycle which she was standing next to. And of course, it is entirely possible that you did not even hit her bicycle and instead you hit a sign post next to her on the traffic island. You don't know because you didn't see what actually happened. Yet you filled in the gaps and may have inadvertently changed the truth.

This point is key to eye witness testimony! The tendency to fill in the gaps ourselves is also key to many assumptions we make without even realising we are doing so. Stick with what you know are the facts in relating an event and avoid the tendency to fill in the gaps. The more aware you are that this can happen, the more you will avoid doing so.

Link to related blog article:
The Veracity of Eye Witness Testimony

Bad First Impressions

I am sure you have all felt the lasting effects of a bad first impression. Think about how you treat people you dislike on first impression. Perhaps you once met someone and instantly mistrusted the person and perhaps you are not even sure why, but you avoid the person into the future. To make it worse, when you meet the other person again you may notice the person falling over himself or herself to be nice to you, perhaps as a way to gain your friendship as the other person can sense something amiss. Yet, this only makes you mistrust the person more. Consider, do you have valid reasons why you feel this way about the other person, or have you made a judgement that is not based in fact? I would say judgements in this case may indeed be wrong, but at the same time I would suggest one be careful around another person if something seems amiss and to treat the person from a position of trust neutrality as opposed to blatant mistrust, unless there are facts to back up the mistrust. We cannot like everyone but each person deserves a fair go and to be treated with respect and dignity.

It took me a while to come to this realisation and, ironically, I only really understood the concept because this happened to me. No, it was not the fact that someone acted strangely towards me that caused my moment of revelation, it was when I met someone myself recently who I am now exceedingly wary of. When I see the person behave in a certain way, my past hurtful experiences rise up afresh and I am not sure if I am projecting my past onto this person, or if there truly is something to be wary of. Other people seem very comfortable around the person I now prefer to avoid. I realise I am not going to change my opinion about the person easily and I am polite, but I am on guard.

This experience has been exceedingly helpful so I now understand when I find this same behaviour displayed towards me by other people. I am someone who is very sensitive to vibes from those around me and sometimes I pick up that someone else does not like me. In one particular case I thought someone was comfortable around me, until one of her young children walked up to my child and asked if she was going to an event and when she heard my child say "yes", she turned to her sibling and said "Oh no, I wonder if mom will still let us go?"! I now realise this type of behaviour is not necessarily because I have done anything to inadvertently offend another person; it is not even a factor of another person bullying me or unfair targeting of me; it is often merely that the other person sees something in me that pushes buttons. This could be a discrimination mindset, or a result of gossiping, or perhaps my mannerisms seem as behaviour that would be displayed by a problem person, or perhaps I remind another person of a hurtful someone from their past. And I realise that nothing I may do may change the other person's perception of me. It is best for me to stand firm and to be myself and to find people who like me for me and to ignore and be polite to people who dislike or mistrust me.

This realisation is already helping me in my journey as I can now brush aside any feelings of being misjudged and I can say to myself such reactions are normal and hopefully bad first impressions will change with time. I realise these reactions occur not because there is something wrong with me, I just need to make sure I become friends with people who truly like me for me.

When Good People Do Nothing

I received an email this morning that spoke about how dangerous a particular movement is becoming due to the few problem people within its ranks and they are foisting their desires on the peace loving majority. Comparisons were drawn to events in history where any number of movements were started and which then snowballed when fanatic elements took hold, for example, in Nazi Germany. I am quite sure that most German people during Nazi Germany were very peace loving and would never have wanted to hurt another person, yet how is it that so many years ago the German nation was led by leaders who began to kill other people in what is now called the holocaust and yet hardly anyone said a word in protest? Of course, how could they protest, one might ask, for if they protested they would be killed themselves. Isn't this the process that happens on an individual level when someone is bullied? The only way that the bullies succeed is by careful selection of a weaker target. When the target speaks out, pleas for help fall on deaf ears as the people around who might help, withdraw. They withdraw to keep the peace and to ensure they are not drawn into a complex web of politics, which might make themselves a target too. In so doing, the target is mobbed by people who agree with these unfair actions as well as by people who disagree yet who keep silent. Yet often the people who keep silent are the majority and could easily form an opposing voice against the bully, or against fanatics as happened in Nazi Germany. On the other hand, perhaps in both the case of bullying and fanaticism, including genocide, a part of the silent peaceful majority agrees that the target deserves the treatment they are receiving? It is a sobering thought, as all of us do not know when we might become part of the next target group ourselves. All targeting and discrimination is wrong. Speak out if you see injustice happening, before it is deeply entrenched and accepted behaviour. Good can overcome evil if we never allow evil to flourish. Target unjust behaviour, yet accept all people.

Links to related blog articles:
When Bystanders Look On (contains a high level comparison between bullying and genocide)
The Worrying Steps in the Slippery Slope Towards Genocide 

Telling Someone a Concern and Not Being Listened To

I recently had a concern about a particular person whom I suspect of being a bully at the least and I worry about more drastic personality problems in his interactions with the people in his care.  I discussed my concerns with a professional who I thought might listen and know what to do. What was the professional's first reaction? The professional person I was speaking to defended the other person, without even a hesitation. The professional does not know the other person, except by reputation, but is sure there cannot be a problem and immediately posed plausible explanations for the problem behaviour I saw, though I countered the speculation with different evidence. I have no real proof about my suspicions, except for a few observations in passing and a gut feel. I have resolved I am going to mention this matter once more and hopefully this does not see me being kicked out, as has happened before when I have brought random concerns at other places to light. Have you noticed how we tend to band together in our groups against outside threats, even when the outsider may be speaking truth? Think of church abuse which is hidden over--this happens in many other places too I believe! I need to tread lightly in this matter and then I have to leave the issue at that, because if there is a problem then I believe God will bring it to light.

But this made me wonder, how often do we hear a problem others might bring to us and then we immediately minimise it by saying, don't be silly or wasn't this perhaps what really happened? If someone tells you a deep concern, then that is a real issue for the person concerned! For example, I am not going to accuse someone of being a bully unless I truly believe he or she is. Whether I am right or not is an entirely different matter, but in my heart of hearts this is what I believe and someone laughing my statements off does not honour my concerns in the slightest. In fact I feel stupid now for even mentioning what I did to the professional, but this does not solve my problem, because I am concerned that someone might get hurt in the process by this other person. I suppose an accusation that could be thrown my way is that I have a hidden agenda towards my perceived bully, but then that is assuming guilt on my part without proof either. I realise what I am seeing may be projection based on some of my past bad experiences with similar people, which I mentioned to the particular professional, but what if I am right?

I wondered about a child bringing a problem to light. Would the professional listen to a child? I hope so! What happens if the first thing said to the child is, don't be silly? Do you think the child will mention the concern again? Of course not! In cases of possible child abuse, it is vital to listen to the first time your child tells you there might be a problem, or you will lose trust and the child may never mention the abuse again, ever. I know because I have seen this happen. A child I was aware of went for decades without telling about abuse, even well into adulthood. The context was slightly different though, as the child was believed but then saw an argument ensue as a result of the revelation and probably later kept quiet to avoid becoming embroiled in future arguments and perhaps felt guilty as the cause of a fuss.

I guess speaking out about a gut feel worry can be a complex matter. How does one handle gut feel based on scanty evidence without real proof? What does one do? Who does one speak to? I have to wait and see if anyone else shares a similar concern about the perceived bully sometime. And then, I will not say I was right, I will only feel horrible that the problem could have been brought to light sooner. But now it is no longer my battle to fight. Unless more evidence comes to light that I become aware of, of course!

Link to related blog spot:
Avoiding Childhood Sexual Abuse

What Is the Business Case For My Blog?

Lately I have been wondering if some of my blog posts have gone slightly off topic, after all I started this blog saying I wanted to change perception so that we might see what we are missing or overlooking and to find beauty in unexpected places. Looking back, I see I have written on a myriad of topics, from topics related to changing the way we think, especially about ourselves, to finding emotional healing, through to tackling topics like racism and then on to genocide, which really are both stronger forms of discrimination.

Why did I start writing? Well, one reason is because of the struggles I myself have faced in moving through this world. Life has not been easy for me. I sugarcoated my experiences in my first book, though some might say I was quite honest, but I could have said a lot more. I see my first book as the sum total of my thoughts gleaned from years of working on my personal foibles and my failed thoughts. I see the book as a manual for personal healing. Of course, the principles might not work for everyone, but I dragged myself out the gutter by coming to these insights and I hope some people will be able to make use of the methods I discovered to do so. I still have a long way to go and I suspect I will never feel normal. Unfortunately, that is the result of faulty foundations laid down in childhood. Incidentally, my second book, which is in progress, is similar, but deals more with society as a whole than the personal level. All of the content of my books is available on this blog in an unstructured way.

Perhaps the main reason I write is because I feel judged by society, and some ways to explain this are: Have you ever applied for a job and been turned down without reason? Were you judged on paper before someone even met you? Or perhaps someone did meet you and then a few minutes later you were scorned because of a skewed first impression that you are now not be able to undo? I write because of experiences like these, as that is what I feel happens to me. Why are people so quick to judge one another? Is it because this is what we are taught, or is it innate to human nature? I hope it's taught, as we can then teach each other a different way of thinking and we may then change society from the bottom up, slowly laying new, stronger foundations.

As I have said before, I believe Jesus is the foundation on which to build society, as He preached that people should not judge one another and that we should bless our enemies and spread love for one another.

I hope you do find something to take away from this blog.