The Art of Artificial Relationships

I used to work for a large organisation, and I knew a key part of the job was building relationships. A key relationship was with my manager. Yet I never wanted to invite my manager to have a chat over coffee. Why? Well, I felt this would be schlooping, otherwise known by even less flattering names. I felt I would be compromising my integrity and ideals of accept me as I am, and I am here to get the work done. I felt I could not pretend to be nice just to earn points with my manager. Needless to say, my manager did not take a good view of me seeming to ignore her, when others were building a relationship with her. Yet, were the others using what could amount to good sales techniques to win her favour? Were they being nice to her because she was their manager, or in spite of this?

We humans respond to kindness, even sometimes against our better judgement. I will find myself responding positively to someone who smiles and invites me for coffee, even if she has ignored me countless times before, and I might find my expectations dashed if she breaks this fleeting trust and I discover the coffee was a front for information gathering. I have discovered genuine friendship relationships take time to really firm and build, and sometimes moments present falsely as opportunities.

This tendency for responding to perceived kindness is the key to successful change in therapy (counselling), I believe. Therapy is an artificial relationship for exploring behaviour patterns, and it can be easy to forget that one pays for this human contact as a service, but the rules do make for therapy's success, as there are clear boundaries that should not be overstepped. I have read a few times before that it is not what is discussed in therapy that leads to positive change, but the fact that there is a positive relationship. In therapy, trust can be reignited once more, and rules of ethical trust can be learnt. In my own therapy, I came to see that someone could have empathy for my situation, without giving me sympathy and needing to specifically do anything about the situation--change needed to come from me alone.

What do I wish people to take away from these thoughts? Firstly, I believe change must come from you alone; don't look for someone else to fix you--only you can do that, with God's guidance. Secondly, there are people who will care, they might just be few and far between; learn to recognise who has empathy for you, and who doesn't and pick your relationships carefully. Thirdly, good relationships are those where we walk alongside each other, giving support, and where we are not enmeshed in each others' daily struggles. Lastly, you don't have to fix or help everyone who comes to you for help, but lending an ear will go a long way, whilst at the same time keeping your own boundaries in place.