Don't Take Constant Friends For Granted

Have you ever had a friend, or thought you did, where you both seemed to be good friends and where you seem to connect easily? When you get together, you both chat amicably and conversation flows. Or is this merely your perception of events, because you notice that she has become somewhat reticent in the weeks between your meetings? She only responds selectively to your phone calls or messages and when you ask her about it when you see her next, she says she loves to hear from you, but she gets so busy in her day to day schedule that she forgets to respond, and to please not take it personally. She gives you a little hug and a huge beaming grin on parting and she says we must do coffee again soon. You go home with a glow of happy feeling that you have a friend who is really there for you. Consider, perhaps she feels the same on her side, secure that you are always there for her, as you always drop what you are doing when she calls and rush over for a visit. You never say no when she wants to meet, as you always have time for this friend. Does she see you as a valuable friend, or are you the friend she takes for granted, as she is so secure in the knowledge that you are there for her, that losing your friendship is not a possibility? Does she know you have started to wonder at her half-hearted responses? Does she know you have begun to feel she must be humouring you as a friend? Does she care? Maybe, you think, it's best to contact someone else for coffee and a chat next time and leave her be. Trust dashed hurts.

I once did an exercise in a group at a particular training course where each of us was asked to draw our support network as round bubbles on a piece of paper. This exercise was harder to complete than I thought it would be, and some of us struggled to draw even the first few bubbles, whilst others drew frantically from the start. We drew a bubble to represent ourselves, and then we drew individuals we knew as bubbles next to us, close if they were part of our inner circle, and further away if we considered them to be more distant in our relationships. If they were really close to us, like husbands or wives, the bubbles could overlap to show how enmeshed our lives were. We were told to make the size of the bubbles representative of the size of the relationship, so friends who we thought of as very close and important friends, we drew bigger than other people. Perhaps try this exercise sometime yourself. It is a useful exercise to see at a glance a map of your support network, and perhaps it may jog some valuable pointers for you to take into account in your relationships.

Ask yourself: Who forms your support network? Who are your constant friends? Are you spending time with each person? Do you value them and do they know this? Who do you take for granted? What could you change to allow for more meaningful and healthy relationships?