I Changed My Mind! What's the Motive?

Have you ever decided to do something, for example, accepted an invite to coffee with a friend and you have even looked forward to the meeting, yet when the day arrived you no longer felt as if you wanted to meet? Maybe you have even invited someone to coffee yourself with a glib statement, in a moment of magnanimity, not expecting them to actually take you up on the invitation! Or perhaps it might be something you said you would do and then didn't follow through with, like volunteering to complete a certain task. I am not sure why this process occurs, but perhaps because an event is far off, I surmise that we do not always think the process through fully and all that it entails, and though it seemed like a good idea at the time, when the day arrives we realise all that is involved, or negative emotions related to the task or person come to the fore. I have been guilty of examples of these types of situations myself in the past, yet I know when I accepted the invitations, or the tasks, that I had every intention of honouring them! I now consciously try to make sure I think a process through before making a commitment and I try to honour my promises. Yet, I know I may change my mind and there may be some things I may still back away from in future.

It is important to think things through before offering a commitment or extending an invitation. If you do change your mind, make it clear why this has happened, if it is pertinent to do so. I would prefer to know that someone no longer wants to meet with me, than to be strung along for weeks with promises of a future coffee that never materialises. There is social etiquette to bear in mind too, as it may be emotionally destroying for someone to be told by someone else that they no longer wish to meet and therefore a dance of avoidance occurs.

The above examples have dealt with avoiding situations due to unconscious motives that come to the fore, and a similar, but different situation occurs when someone knowingly does something for gain, for example making a promise they never had any intention of keeping. I remember sitting in vendor selection sessions where the group needed to make a decision about which software tool to purchase to meet business requirements, and there were times that vendors would promise that their tool would be able to deliver a solution, and it was obvious this was not the case. The vendors wanted to make a sale! In other examples a person will be incredibly nice to someone when they want the person to do something for them, and when the person's usefulness is outlived the person is ignored again.

I have wondered too if there are people who play a subtle power game with others, similar to the cycle seen in domestic violence, as I have noticed situations where the relationship between two people has a decidedly similar on and off type pattern. There is the bully and the victim, with the victim often being at a lower power level, which may be as simple as the person needing a friend, whereas the bully may be very charismatic and may have many friends. What seems to happen is that after a period of being hooked into friendship, the victim in the relationship is ignored, and when he or she walks away from the relationship, the victim may be befriended again, for example, the bully may tell the victim how sick he or she has been recently and this will play on the victim's feelings of compassion, until the victim is ignored again, and this happens as a repetitive cycle. The tendency is always to think that this time the relationship will work out, but unfortunately if it is an abuse situation, then it normally does not. This situation can play itself out in a cold or lukewarm friendship too, so one must be careful of which motive is ascribed to the behaviour and normally a long term pattern will bring the motive to light.

Be on guard for malicious motive, which is based on conscious deception or imaginative twisting of the facts for gain. On the other hand, try to be understanding when people make mistakes in decisions and when they do not follow through due to the scenarios mentioned in the first paragraph. Sometimes it is not easy to distinguish between these two types of motives, as the outcome may look the same, but the key difference is the underlying motive and what the heart says.

Link to related blog article: Is Workplace Bullying a Subtle Form of Domestic Violence?