A "Black Swan Event" is when the unexpected occurs, causing a huge mindshift and change in how the world works. People never imagined that Black Swans existed, until the discovery of the first Black Swan... (as per book "The Black Swan", by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, 2007, that sold over 3 million copies)

Is a perception change the next Black Swan Event? Consider that by changing perception we might change the world. Look at everyday things from different angles. Find beauty in the unexpected...
Change our thinking, change our actions, change our world!

See that all people are part of God's puzzle and have something to give. Black swans do exist. The ugly duckling was actually a swan who needed to discover himself and where he fitted and be who he was meant to be. To the last, the lost and the least, you are beautiful as you are.
May all who visit this page feel God's touch and experience His blessing...

Thursday, 28 February 2013

Not Learning to Trust: Rather Learning to Trust Correctly

Have you been hurt many times and are finding it difficult to trust again? Do you want to make some new connections but are afraid you may be hurt again? How do you know if the new person you are dealing with really cares for you or not?

Face it, many people are interested in themselves only and will deal with you on a reciprocal basis. I think of it like a transaction. A simple example, if you have written a book and now want to sell it, the people out there want to know why they should read your book and what they will get out of it. You don't buy something unless you really see you will benefit from it, be it from an education point of view, or the pleasure you will get from reading it. I may truly want you to read my book because I believe it will benefit the world, and I may therefore have a pure motive, but you may see it as just another book and you may see no reason to buy it. And how do you know what my motive is? Perhaps I just want to make money out of a searching world? How do you know? You don't! Not without a lot of searching first.

In a similar way, people do not become friends with you to be nice to you, they become friends with you to be nice to themselves. Of course, we don't think like this when we become friends with someone, but think about it, why are you friends with the people who you know? Does one of your friends offer you intellectual stimulation, and another a platform to unburden, and perhaps another is your networking friend, the one you know you will go to when you need to find a new job. Of course, we don't really think like this when we become friends with someone, but there must be some connection for the transaction to happen, before it becomes an emotional connection which can feed merely on itself. If you become friends with someone because you are lonely, that is still a transaction, as you are getting something from the friendship, which is companionship. A little while into the friendship, if you and the other person see that your values do not agree, then you may slowly stop seeing each other. You may tend to shy away from friendships where you see the other person as very needy and wanting of a lot of attention, as this is an unequal platform off which to form a friendship, and looks like a drain which offsets the transaction of give and take.

People may deal with each other on a transactional basis for years with masks carefully in place. If there is no caring or compassion at the core, then you are bound to be hurt by the person at some point. For example, how do you know if the friend you have been meeting for coffee for the last ten years really cares for you or not? Sometimes it takes a random event to uncover a mask. For example, if things start to go awry for you and you need a shoulder to cry on, does your friend suddenly become too busy for coffee, or does she make some extra time for you? Sometimes it's only at your darkest hour that you will see who your true friends are, and sometimes this is the point when strangers of light may come to your rescue.

There are lots of good people in the world, but unfortunately there are also some people who are more interested in getting what they want from you than in helping you out. Think of con artists who scam elderly widows or widowers of entire fortunes, and these people were trusted at first because they know the game to play. Their philosophy may be that the person deserved to be conned because he or she should have seen the scam coming.

I therefore believe trust is not about learning to trust again, it's about learning to trust correctly. You will only be hurt if you never see betrayal coming, but if you are prepared for this possibility, then you will be grateful you spotted this first. Watch out for the small signs that may show that caring for you or anyone else is not genuine, for example, the small joke  that rankles and shows you were gossiped about before the meeting, or a snide comment or a smirk. In hindsight, you probably will be able to say that you thought there was something wrong. Try to turn this phenomenon into insight so you are able to guard against being hurt again. Never put anyone on a pedestal, as all humans are fallible, and only God is infallible.

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