A "Black Swan Event" is when the unexpected occurs, causing a huge mindshift and change in how the world works. People never imagined that Black Swans existed, until the discovery of the first Black Swan... (as per book "The Black Swan", by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, 2007, that sold over 3 million copies)

Is a perception change the next Black Swan Event? Consider that by changing perception we might change the world. Look at everyday things from different angles. Find beauty in the unexpected...
Change our thinking, change our actions, change our world!

See that all people are part of God's puzzle and have something to give. Black swans do exist. The ugly duckling was actually a swan who needed to discover himself and where he fitted and be who he was meant to be. To the last, the lost and the least, you are beautiful as you are.
May all who visit this page feel God's touch and experience His blessing...

Thursday 28 February 2013

Not Learning to Trust: Rather Learning to Trust Correctly

Have you been hurt many times and are finding it difficult to trust again? Do you want to make some new connections but are afraid you may be hurt again? How do you know if the new person you are dealing with really cares for you or not?

Face it, many people are interested in themselves only and will deal with you on a reciprocal basis. I think of it like a transaction. A simple example, if you have written a book and now want to sell it, the people out there want to know why they should read your book and what they will get out of it. You don't buy something unless you really see you will benefit from it, be it from an education point of view, or the pleasure you will get from reading it. I may truly want you to read my book because I believe it will benefit the world, and I may therefore have a pure motive, but you may see it as just another book and you may see no reason to buy it. And how do you know what my motive is? Perhaps I just want to make money out of a searching world? How do you know? You don't! Not without a lot of searching first.

In a similar way, people do not become friends with you to be nice to you, they become friends with you to be nice to themselves. Of course, we don't think like this when we become friends with someone, but think about it, why are you friends with the people who you know? Does one of your friends offer you intellectual stimulation, and another a platform to unburden, and perhaps another is your networking friend, the one you know you will go to when you need to find a new job. Of course, we don't really think like this when we become friends with someone, but there must be some connection for the transaction to happen, before it becomes an emotional connection which can feed merely on itself. If you become friends with someone because you are lonely, that is still a transaction, as you are getting something from the friendship, which is companionship. A little while into the friendship, if you and the other person see that your values do not agree, then you may slowly stop seeing each other. You may tend to shy away from friendships where you see the other person as very needy and wanting of a lot of attention, as this is an unequal platform off which to form a friendship, and looks like a drain which offsets the transaction of give and take.

People may deal with each other on a transactional basis for years with masks carefully in place. If there is no caring or compassion at the core, then you are bound to be hurt by the person at some point. For example, how do you know if the friend you have been meeting for coffee for the last ten years really cares for you or not? Sometimes it takes a random event to uncover a mask. For example, if things start to go awry for you and you need a shoulder to cry on, does your friend suddenly become too busy for coffee, or does she make some extra time for you? Sometimes it's only at your darkest hour that you will see who your true friends are, and sometimes this is the point when strangers of light may come to your rescue.

There are lots of good people in the world, but unfortunately there are also some people who are more interested in getting what they want from you than in helping you out. Think of con artists who scam elderly widows or widowers of entire fortunes, and these people were trusted at first because they know the game to play. Their philosophy may be that the person deserved to be conned because he or she should have seen the scam coming.

I therefore believe trust is not about learning to trust again, it's about learning to trust correctly. You will only be hurt if you never see betrayal coming, but if you are prepared for this possibility, then you will be grateful you spotted this first. Watch out for the small signs that may show that caring for you or anyone else is not genuine, for example, the small joke  that rankles and shows you were gossiped about before the meeting, or a snide comment or a smirk. In hindsight, you probably will be able to say that you thought there was something wrong. Try to turn this phenomenon into insight so you are able to guard against being hurt again. Never put anyone on a pedestal, as all humans are fallible, and only God is infallible.

Sunday 24 February 2013

Is There Such a Thing as Reverse Racism?

I took part in a workshop this weekend and we were discussing societal level concepts. The term racism was mentioned, and the example given was South Africa during apartheid. I then mentioned that racism still exists in South Africa today, but that the status quo is changing and white people are now often the target of discrimination. As examples, a couple of well-known companies advertised that no whites should apply for jobs, and white people are being murdered at an alarming rate, especially farmers. Ah, the lecturer, exclaimed, this is reverse racism!

Now I think to myself, hmm, reverse racism. Why call this phenomenon reverse racism? When a group of people band together and ostracise another group of people, this looks like racism to me, pure and simple.

When you get an us and them mindset, and an unequal balance of power, discrimination is bound to be displayed towards the weaker group. The conclusion I have come to is that all types of people may display racist behaviour.

During apartheid, whites kept themselves separate from other groups of people, by ensuring other groups stayed in their own areas--this is what apartheid means, to keep separate. "Apart" is separate, "heid" means a state of affairs (and does not mean "hate"). Whites ironically were a minority group, but were the stronger group as they held the balance of power. South Africa is now a democratic country, but unfortunately racial tension still exists, and affirmative action rules now ensure that whites are excluded from many jobs, as demographics must reflect the demographics of society, so affirmative action laws currently protect the rights of the majority in South Africa. Of course, this was necessary, or whites would have remained in their jobs, at least in the short term. The problem is that the economy has not grown, so whites are seen as persona non grata, especially white males who are the last to be hired and only if no-one else has the required skills, and people from the majority group are now sought after for employment to meet equity targets, but there are not enough jobs to go around for everyone. So the colour of the workforce has changed, but society as a whole is not being uplifted. Disparity between rich and poor remains.

South Africa poses an excellent case study going forward, especially to see what happens to new minority groups when stronger groups come into power, like a new majority, and assuming an us and them mindset exists. Will all of the citizens who live in South Africa be able to unite and live as fellow citizens in harmony, without ethnic barriers, or will racial disparity continue? Time will tell.

Link to related blog article: Learning From the Fear That's Motivation For Discrimination

Friday 22 February 2013

Is This a Way To Eradicate Many Diseases?

A family member has decided to become a vegan, meaning he will avoid eating any animal products. He also does not want to cook any of his food, as he says this is akin to processing which changes the structure of food and eliminates nutrients. Actually I should say his diet consists now largely of fruit, so perhaps he is moving towards becoming a fruitarian, someone who believes in eating raw fruit, and perhaps nuts and seeds.

My family member told me that our diets are riddled with dangerous pesticides, that genetically modified foods may not be safe, and that dairy is for baby cows. He pointed out the many additives that are now found in food, for example MSG, and artificial sweeteners, and told me the dangers he has read about them.

Did you know that MSG (monosodium glutamate) is suspected as a culprit in obesity? MSG is added to many foods and it adds to the taste of products. Many people are on watch against MSG in their diets, so now manufacturers call MSG by different names, and it may be called hydrolysed vegetable protein or even natural flavour as well as other names. I couldn't believe it when I heard MSG can be lumped under the term natural flavour! Natural flavour implies wholesome goodness, pure, from the goodness of the earth!

Many are now saying that artificial sweeteners are suspected of causing neurological disorders, like Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Yet, I have heard many say this is a rumour only and is not proven, so I wonder if anyone pays heed to this suspicion. If you are someone with MS, are you going to wait for someone to prove the connection before you remove these substances from your diet? Diet cold drinks contain artificial sweeteners, and these are hidden inside many different foods and drinks and even medicines, and are used as an alternative to sugar to sweeten coffee or tea. Personally, I am going to look out for natural sweeteners, usually made from fruit sugars.

I read somewhere recently that sodium phosphate, perhaps disodium diphosphate too, is known to cause calcification of internal organs when taken for extended periods. I also remember attending a lecture where a doctor mentioned that a precursor to breast cancer seems to be tiny calcifications that appear in breast tissue. And I wonder, is there a link between these phosphates and cancer? I don't know the answer, but I plan to eradicate these substances from my own diet. Many of my ancestors have had cancer. I wonder if cancer is not so much a genetic illness, but, rather, that some people are genetically more disposed to getting cancer if their diet is awry. Likewise, some people remain thin even if they eat unhealthily, but for others, like me, their genetics means that refined carbohydrates in small quantities, and other processed foods, may cause overweightness.

Coffee may be another culprit. I love coffee! But I am trying to cut out coffee. From what I have read, caffeine may not be the only problem, it is coffee as a whole which may play havoc with blood sugar levels. I am switching to drinking green tea, as well as rooibos tea (redbush tea). Rooibos tea is produced in South Africa. It is naturally caffeine free and has five times as many antioxidants as green tea, and I know one can also buy rooibos tea in a concentrated ground form perfect for espresso machines, and it can then be made like coffee, called red espresso, though of course tastes different.

In my own quest for healthy food, I have discovered a seed called quinoa. I wonder why this food is not more widely available. It is one of the few plant foods that contain a complete protein. Quinoa looks like tiny flower seeds, and grows at high altitudes, though apparently there is a sea-level version too. It needs to be washed before it is cooked, as it is covered by a natural pesticide, so birds do not really want to eat it. It is cooked by boiling it in water, and it swells up during the cooking process, with a wheatgerm emerging from the seed, and it is quite pleasant to eat, with a subtle nutty flavour, and can be added to other foods, like vegan wraps, to make a nutritious accompaniment. The leaves can also be eaten. The quinoa plant is naturally drought tolerant too, so may be a good food to grow in famine ravaged areas, and is also frost resistant. Of any food I have read about, if there was a choice to grow one food as the only sustenance, I would choose quinoa.

I wonder if the many cancers and diseases on the rise worldwide may be due to our modern day diets. Would many of these diseases be eradicated if we changed our diets to be more natural, less processed, and to be free of hormones and preservatives and additives? My family are certainly going to move towards trying to grow more of our own foods and eating more healthy foods.

Thursday 21 February 2013

Conflict and Facades of Peace

Conflict. The word evokes different images for different people. To some, conflict means emotions of furious anger, hitting out, displaying aggression. Others may see conflict as a dispute to be resolved calmly and rationally, with facts. And for some, conflict is something to be avoided at all costs. Perhaps I could say there are those who feel conflict, those who think about conflict, and those who prefer not to feel or think about conflict. And of course, there are usually no absolutes, so people may display a range of this behaviour depending on the situation involved.

But what is meant by the word conflict? Conflict implies there is a matter to resolve between two or more parties, and may be due to a disagreement of opinion, or an injustice, or even a misunderstanding. Conflict may arise from a one sided point of view, for example, if I suspect someone is gossiping about me, and I approach the person involved, who may or may not be doing this, and ask about this, my question may cause conflict to arise. I have also heard the term internal conflict, to describe conflict where one wars with oneself, not sure of which path to take.

Different cultures have different conflict resolution styles, so what may seem appropriate for me may seem rude to someone of another culture. Some people may avoid conflict because this is seen to be polite because of a particular cultural background, whereas I might interpret such avoidance to be playing games and manipulation, and the person avoiding conflict may see my actions in wanting to openly talk about the conflict as being aggressive and picking a fight (see article about conflict resolution on Wikipedia).

Squeezing Beans into Pea Pods

Have you ever felt life was akilter? Do you have trouble fitting in? Perhaps you wonder why things are not working around you? Maybe you feel everyone else knows the rules and you don't quite get it? Have you considered that you may be different to everyone else? Not wrong, just different!

Take peas in a pod. They fit easily, lined up together, in synch. Think of society as the peas in a pod. What if you were not born a pea and were in fact a string bean? You would have difficulty lining up with the peas! Yet, you were always meant to be a string bean. Maybe you need to find the other string beans, which may be very rare in your patch of the world!

A real world example may be your child who is having a problem with social dynamics at school. For example, you have a shy and sensitive child, and your child has difficulty making friends, as all the other children say no when asked to play. Have you considered that there may be nothing wrong with your child, as perhaps he or she will fit in with a more caring environment, where the other children are friendly? Maybe the other children sense that your child is different? Yet, maybe the other children could learn much about compassion and sensitivity from your child.

Just because your child is shy and quiet, whereas the other children may be brash and confident, and there are not many children like your child around the school, does not mean your child has a problem, it may merely mean your child is wired differently, and should be treated differently. Perhaps your child is even gifted with abilities others do not recognise, as they are so different from the norm. Perhaps your child would thrive with more personal attention from a caring teacher and from kind classmates who understand his or her peculiarities of personality.

Not wrong, just different... You are who you are. Be yourself. Accept yourself, as you should accept others. I believe unconditional acceptance is love.


And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:31 KJV)

Tuesday 19 February 2013

Not Safe, Only Safer

I come from a land under seige. A land beset by murder and rape and kidnap. If you want your children to be safe, then you keep them within eye view at all times. They don't play in the garden on their own without someone watching them. At good private schools they go to school through a secured gate with a buzzer. Many homes are surrounded by high walls and security fences and alarms. If you hear a noise in the middle of the night you don't go out for fear you will be overpowered and killed. There are plenty of stories about babies being raped, as well as the very elderly, and people being killed for R5 (less than a dollar) or a cell phone.

Now I find myself in a much safer country with exactly the opposite viewpoint. Children as young as eight or nine walk home from school alone. I see children playing in the street sometimes or walking to shopping centres. People seem to think I am overprotective for always watching my children to make sure they remain safe. What makes it more worrying for me, is that my children may sometimes be looked after by people who have become complacent, as they have always assumed it to be safe! I am not saying, be suspicious of people around you, but I do know that horror is possible in this world! Is it okay to trust the good intention of every passing stranger, sure nothing will ever happen? You cannot not know who will be walking past your child, waiting for an opportune moment to strike. I see the phenomenon of complacency akin to a tamed rabbit who is used to dogs and who does not run when a strange dog comes along, but a wild rabbit is on guard always, knowing there is danger about.

Ironically, the  people who others seem to worry about here, don't strike me as a safety concern. And I probably see others as posing safety concerns, where this is not justified. Is this merely a discrimination mindset at work, or is it also the phenomenon of unknown danger, as we fear what we have come to fear?

I wish I could forget past trauma, but when you have seen dark, it is hard to see only light. This is a different country I am told. It is safe. Yet I think, it only takes one errant person to snatch my child. It is not safe! It is only safer!

A Snapshot of Life Living in Post Apartheid South Africa

South Africa is a country blessed with incredible natural beauty and wildlife. Think of the Cape Town area, with Table Mountain a constant backdrop, often draped with a tablecloth of white cloud, and roads that hug a breathtaking coastline leading off to interesting beaches and then further inland, to wine farms and game reserves. South Africa is also a land of stark contrasts. There are some very rich people, and many destitute and poor. Many poor people live in large shanty towns, with small roughshod buildings made of scrap metal. The rich people who live in South Africa have been mostly white, but this is changing due to BEE (Black Economic Empowerment) and there is a rising tide of black elite. Disparity between rich and poor remains, the demographics alone are changing, leaving many to languish in generational poverty, though adding different ethnic groups to the mix. White people now also live in shanty towns in South Africa and maybe one can say equality has truly come. Widespread upliftment is needed, not just a change in the colour of the workforce.

South Africa can be a hard place to live at times. Hatred is prevalent in South Africa, perhaps largely due to apartheid which put barriers between people. When I drove around the streets, especially at night, I was always watching and looking to make sure I was not hijacked (car jacked) and I kept my car doors locked and windows up. To be hijacked meant one could be killed, even if one surrendered the car willingly. I watched a video once which showed how quickly a hijack can happen, and how hijackers will hide behind a tree or another car, waiting for a target. Thankfully I only had someone peer intently into my car once at a traffic light, and it was obvious he was looking for something to steal. Car windows are smashed while people are sitting in traffic in broad daylight waiting to move forward, and handbags are grabbed or phones snatched, and bystanders in surrounding cars look on helpless to do anything. Many other people will come up to cars while stationary at traffic lights, usually if they are selling something, but sometimes if they are begging. One of these street hawkers once reached through the half open back window of my car and was feeling my toddler's face, and said he was only being friendly when I began yelling. Another person walked around to the passenger door of my car and asked me to open it as he needed a lift to the shops down the road, and another said he loves my car but I must come around and look at the number plate--these are ploys to get one to open the locked car door, so they can be hijacked.

Richer people live behind bars. Bars on windows, security alarms, security patrols, high walls, big dogs. This is because crime is so rampant. Intruders break into houses while people are asleep and this often means you will be killed, or tied up and beaten, and woman raped. Rape is prevalent in South Africa. I read recently somewhere (not sure if the statistics are true) that South Africa has two and a half times more incidences of rape than India, yet South Africa has only 50 million people, and India has 1.2 billion people! And that is reported rape, as South Africa is known for an under-reporting of crime. Most crime is not reported in newspapers, and one hears often from other people about the people they know who are killed in cold blood, and there is nary a trace mentioned in the media. Sometimes I wonder what is special about some of the cases that are reported on--why did they stand out to be worthy of mentioning in the media? 

When I first started my working career twenty years ago, I worked in a mainly white workplace, though, ironically, in our small department of about seven people, three were non-white, including a non-white woman manager--exceptional for those days. A few years after apartheid ended, I noticed an increase in non-white people beginning to work for the organisation. First a few, then a trickle, then a flood. There are still many white people working in large corporations, but there is a very big focus on ensuring white numbers decrease to make way for non-white people, to make sure affirmative action targets are met. The demographics of the country dictate that at least 90% of the workforce is non-white. People are hired based on colour first and then skills later. Even people selected to train as doctors at universities are selected based on colour first, not merit, and a lower pass mark is allowed to ensure enough non-white doctors can make it into medical school. It is a numbers game. It is a consequence of a previously divided society searching for equitable solutions, and it is unfair to make a decision purely along racial lines, but change is also needed, perhaps until, hopefully, merit becomes the selection criteria again once equilibrium is reached.

What did this mean for me? As a white person, I was not sure if I could get a transfer to a different department, or get another job, because they had enough white people already who were making sure they stayed unless they too found another job. One of my key performance indicators, to measure my performance at work, was making sure I devoted time to training my non-white colleagues; I was told to make an effort to train the non-white people who worked with me, and I assumed this was because they were going to be given my job someday and promoted over me, and then I would be retrenched, as I was not of as much importance to the numbers as I was a white person, though in my favour initially was that I was a woman, but later that meant nothing when rules changed again. A couple of South African companies were recently accused of blatant racism towards white people, as their job adverts said no white people to apply. And so the wheel now turns the other way, and racism is now openly shown towards white people in South Africa, with the country said to be at genocide level six, with the next stage being extermination of white people. Many may say this is justice. I say, how can we move forward when we keep repeating dysfunctional behaviour patterns that have never worked in the past? I pray genocide never happens in South Africa.

I love South Africa, but it is not a safe place to live. I pray for a culture change to sweep through South Africa and to bring integrity and good policing to eradicate crime and corruption. I also pray for healing in the form of neighbourly love as Jesus spoke of it (The Samaritan Who Helped A Stranger), as all people who live in South Africa are fellow human beings, equal in God's eyes, and should be united under one common umbrella of humanity; a single country with all people equally free, regardless of colour or culture. Maybe the past can be done away with. There is a new future of hope to walk into.

Bringing Potential to Light

A fictional story: Nellie is in the grade four class at school. She is nine years old. Each morning she walks quietly in to the class room, puts her bag in the locker, and then sits at her desk, alone. Sally has never seen her smile. She once asked Sally if she could play with her group, but Sally's friends loudly said, go away, and then giggled loudly as Nellie slowly plodded on, her shoulders slightly bowed as if carrying an enormous weight. Sally thought she might have cried, but she was not sure. Children don't often see Nellie give much reaction, except for a slight narrowing of her eyes when she is told to leave, and her jaw muscles tighten.

Nellie drifts through the school year, and is mostly ignored by her teacher. Sally saw a teacher yelling at her when she dropped the paint all over the floor, and she was not sure why the teacher thought it was on purpose, as she saw the startled look on Nellie's face, until her eyes glazed over again. Nellie spent her playtime that day hunched over scrubbing the floor until it shone.

Nellie finds solace in books. She reads voraciously. She especially loves any stories related to jungles or dragons or medieval castles and she hopes to become an author someday.

Near the end of the year, the teacher asks each child in the class to write an essay. Most of the children groan when they hear the assignment and seem to think the task is a joke, and the teacher raps on the desk a few times to get everyone's attention, and then they begin. It is a timed exercise, and the children write any creative story that comes to mind.

A few children around the class smirk, and the teacher walks around and motions for them to begin. Sally wonders what she is going to write about. It is not an easy task! She glances over and sees Nellie writing furiously. Her head is down, hair splayed and falling over her arm, which is hugging the page.

When the time is up, Sally resignedly hands in her essay, and inwardly kicks herself when she thinks about what she could have written. She was halfway when she thought of a better storyline, but it was too late to go back to the start and begin again.

The next day the teacher calls Nellie's name. Sally wonders why the teacher is grinning so widely. She hands Nellie her essay and says with a gush, that was the best essay I have ever read. Where did you learn to write like that? Sally is amazed when she sees a flood of colour flush Nellie's face and a gentle smile embraces her eyes and her mouth. I love to write, she whispers. Keep up the good work, the teacher booms, still grinning.

Nellie's essay is passed around the class and children's eyes light up as they read it. Wow, how did you think of this? I love the story!

Not everyone is happy for Nellie, as Sally notices a group of three looking daggers in her direction, and when they receive her paper they motion as if to tear it up, and then pass it on quickly without glancing at it. Nellie doesn't notice. She has finally made some connection with the class, and Sally sees her playing with a few new friends in the days to come. Sigh, Sally wishes her group of friends had let Nellie join in when she had asked. She must be one of the most popular girls in class now! And she even looks different with that impish smile of hers and melodic giggle.

Sunday 17 February 2013

Face Value

Imagine you visit a school and you are impressed by what you see. The motto is "a place of caring, teamwork and achievement" and this is emblazoned across walls wherever you look. You stay for a while to soak in the atmosphere as this is where you would like to send your daughter to school.

The playtime bell rings short and shrill and there is a rush of noise as children stamp hurriedly along to get to the playgrounds. From your vantage point, your smug sense of ease and happiness is replaced by gnawing doubt as you notice lone children dotted throughout the playground. A few of them approach groups of children playing games, but they are turned away, and they return to dejected lonely positions. A girl dabs her hands in the sand, tracing outlines. A boy sits with his hat covering his hair, cheek in hands. Then you see a group rush up to younger group, and a small boys goes flying into the turf. Giggles reach your ears as the bullies run away. Without a word you turn and leave.

On the drive home you think, is it possible to have a motto which says one cares and yet to outwardly show the opposite behaviour? You realise you have learnt a lesson, that no matter what is said or shown, it must be part of the heart.

Unconditional Acceptance

Have you ever experienced moments when, on meeting someone, you instantly liked the person, yet you see much more potential that could be brought to the fore? Perhaps the person is a singer or a writer or a work colleague. For example, I have had people tell me to cut my hair in a different way, as they were convinced it would suit me. Well, maybe it would, but I am perfectly happy with my hair the way it is! Other people have wanted me to wear jewellery and have even given me jewellery as gifts, and I never wear these gifts, and I still prefer not wearing what I see as flashy jewellery.

I realise I have wanted to change others myself too, and I feel quite bad about this now. I heard a singer sing live, and I was awestruck at her voice and afterwards I gave her a few suggestions about songs she might consider singing, but I realised afterwards that she was probably perfectly happy with the songs she did sing, as that was the style she loved. I have learned a lesson in boundaries, and I will never do that again, especially as I now remember those times when people have tried to make me something other than I am.

Of course, a suggestion should be seen as merely a suggestion; it is a form of criticism, and it is up to the person whether they want to listen to the suggestion or not, but one should not force one's views of what improvement is, or what normality is, on someone else.

One may suggest, especially if one sees someone barrelling down a problem path, but never pressurise. Unconditional acceptance of someone as they are, without fear of judgement or prejudice, is a valuable skill to learn. Unconditional acceptance is also a healing tool, as it allows the person to find the path he or she might follow, and this leads towards self acceptance and self esteem and self identity.

From a faith perspective, I believe God loves people unconditionally. He does show people where they are  going wrong and what they might change, as He does not want sin, but He will still continue to love His lost sheep and try to draw them back on the righteous path again.

Link to related blog article:
Do You Know People You Run From? Is Change Possible? A Few Thoughts... 

Saturday 16 February 2013

The Tendency For People To See All Good or All Bad

Imagine you are reading a book and you are enthralled by the story. You love the author's style in crafting a mesmerising, imaginative tale. Partway through the book you encounter a lurid scene about a shocking rape and you immediately put the book down, and don't get to read the tender, heartrending ending.

You meet with a friend for coffee later in the week and she raves about the book and the intriguing ending. 
You stare at her and shake your head saying, how could you read that book? It was awful?
She glances at you, surprised. What was wrong with the book?
Did you read the scene where John raped the young woman? I couldn't read anything after that!
Oh, but that was leading up to the twist at the end and redemption. The author wove triumph out of despair.
Maybe I should read it again, you murmur, but that scene totally spoilt the book for me, though now that I think about it, everything up to that point was wonderful and it was promising to be the best book I have ever read. Maybe I should give the author another chance, you smile bemusedly.
Oh please do, your friend says, her face lighting up, though I have given the plot away!

People seem to have a tendency to magnify wrongs or faults or problems, until they seem bigger than what they are. The same principle holds true for the judgements we hold of others. I suspect we tend to see people as all good or all bad, and finding out someone has a very bad trait sometimes negates the good we might see in the same person. There may, for example, be skeletons hiding away in our past which we hope others don't find out about; I know there are some in my own metaphorical cupboard. Yet, we all have good and bad character traits, and we have all done good or bad things. Some of course have done more bad than others, but this does not mean they can never do good or that there is no good parts to them. Likewise, if you place all your trust in someone who you think is only ever all good, your trust may be shattered when you are let down by the same person.

Try to see all sides to something or a situation or a person before making a one sided judgement. You may be surprised by what you see.

Learning Life Lessons


Have you ever felt stuck at a point, unable to progress? Maybe you feel sure that what you are doing is justified and is moving you in the right direction? This is how I have been feeling for simply ages, but am I seeing correctly? Maybe some of us think we are ready and have finished what we need to work on, but maybe God knows this is not so? I believe God wants us to learn key lessons before He allows us to move and take our next step.

Take the example of Saul in the Bible, who was later renamed Paul. Saul persecuted Christians, some to their death, as he believed Jewish customs were the only way and that the new movement of Christians, called the Way, posed a threat and were evil. He was on the road to Damascus to pursue another exploit against Christians, when he met with a blinding flash of light and encountered Jesus. Jesus asked him, Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? Saul was totally blinded by the encounter and had to be led by hand to Damascus. He remained blind for three days and only then regained his sight and was baptised.

Are you following your own path with full enthusiasm and conviction in your beliefs? What if you are on the wrong path? What would it take for you to see you are following the wrong path? For Saul, it was an obvious moment, which many call a Damascus moment. Imagine you are Saul and you are walking down the road and you see a blinding light and hear a voice from heaven. This would be very disconcerting! You are a vehement persecutor of Christians, and now you have an encounter with Jesus in a huge, blinding, glorious flash of light! And Jesus asks you why you are persecuting Him by harming His followers! And to top the entire experience off, you are now left blind, not knowing if you will ever regain your sight, and dependent on someone else to show you where to go.

Wednesday 13 February 2013

The Right Time to Select Volunteers is When They Want to Do the Task

A fictional story:
Three children are dancing around on their knees in front of the teacher, hands in the air, begging to be chosen to take the lunch orders to the office.
Me.
Me!
Let me do it!

The teacher stares over their bobbing heads and says, Matthew, please would you take this to the office, as I know I can trust you. The three children's hands go limp and they sit with a plop, looking deflated.

The next day the same thing happens, though the three's enthusiasm is muted, and another child is chosen. The day after that, the children stare into the faded carpet as the teacher chooses someone else to take the lunch orders to the office.

At the end of the year, when the teacher calls for volunteers, she wonders why everyone seems so unenthusiastic. Why don't any of you ever want to do anything, she grumbles in frustration. The children stare.

But Miss, Simon pipes up, every time I volunteered for the things I wanted to do, you chose someone else. Are we allowed to do anything?
The teachers shouts at him, saying, don't get clever with me Simon. There is no reason to stop trying.
Sorry Miss, Simon mumbles, but he doesn't stick up his hand again, and he tries not to comment again in class.

Scratching the Surface of Friendship

A fictional story: Six months ago, Julie left her sleepy hometown where she had grown up and lived all her life, and moved to a bustling city, to accept an exciting job offer. Since then she has had trouble fitting in and making friends. At first it seemed fun to be new to the area, but now everything still feels slightly out of place, as if she is a constant tourist adrift in a foreign land without a plane ticket home. The job she had thought was the answer to her prayers, has started to feel as if it is a trap and life feels as if it is running away, with early morning rises and too much to do and she feels there must be more to her existence. Please show me the next step, God, she prays.

She sees Irene often outside the classroom where they meet to fetch their children and hopes she has managed to find a new friend. Irene seems to really care about Julie and they have had interesting conversations on a few occasions. Julie has noticed though that Irene always turns down opportunities to meet outside of these brief school meetings. She is always busy when Julie asks, or she promises her a future date for coffee when she has more time.

Julie sometimes says hello to Stacy, another mom. Stacy has a demeanor about her which says stay away, I am not interested in talking to you. She usually arrives at the school in a rush, says a quick hello and stands off to the side with her arms folded, looking down to the ground. Julie has asked Stacy once to a coffee but the answer was a gruff no thanks, and Julie felt as if she shouldn't have asked sees the terse comment as very rude

Julie is surprised one afternoon when Stacy approaches her and has a longer than normal conversation and then asks her if she still wants to have that coffee. A few months later, and after many coffee chats, they are firm friends. Julie is so happy to have met Stacy, who she can now see will be a friend and source of support through good times and tough times.

Julie has yet to have coffee with Irene, though they say hello often. Julie now realises that someone who says no is not necessarily rude, but may be more authentic and honest than someone who pretends to be nice, yet keeps delaying. She still appreciates seeing Irene, but realises the friendship is merely surface deep with no substance.

Tuesday 12 February 2013

Be Aware When You Allow Style to Win Over Content

Have you ever read something and thought, wow, that's written so beautifully? Or heard a song playing and been awed at the melody? Recently I experienced a few examples where I was drawn to something, then realised what I loved was the style but not the content.

I read a particular book and the author strung sentences together in a way which left me awestruck. Words seemed to leap off the page with a life of their own, tickling my imagination. I could picture the scene vividly. As I read further, I realised I was reading a story about murder and warfare and subterfuge. The content was terrible, yet the style mesmerising. Or I heard a song playing and was awed by the voice and the tune, yet on listening closer, realised that the words sung were of lustful passion, something that clashed with my values. The style was wonderful, but the message less so.

The reverse is true. Perhaps I ignore something I shouldn't, because of the way it is presented; the style? Do you do this sometimes too? Be aware of times when you may judge on first impression, not allowing time for depth to become apparent. Both style and content are necessary, but if one may be lacking, try to ensure it is style. Style may be rectified by changing the presentation, but if the message is faulty it cannot easily be transformed, though may be covered over.

Offended by Truth

How do you spot an angel? According to an episode of Touched by an Angel I watched one early morning, angels may be the people who you find irritating and obnoxious. Why? Angels don't know human rules! Angels are people who are passionate about making sure things are right. Angels are not meek and mild; when angels come down to earth they have real feelings and hurts and dreams.

Humans are tactful, and may be so to the point of lying, for example, to keep the peace, not to hurt someone's feelings, or to be deceitful. Angels tell the truth, but they will tell it from a caring motive. The angel on the show, whom I will call Angela, bumped into someone from a certain ethnic group and started reciting facts, and the person got quite offended. Angela apologised and I seem to remember she couldn't see why what she was saying was offensive, as it was facts, which is the truth!

I have noticed a propensity for people to get offended by the truth. Have you? For example, I was excluded from a group once and I posted a message about this on Facebook. I did so because I was upset and wanted support and sympathy from my friends at what I saw as an injustice, and a person involved in my exclusion saw my Facebook message and lambasted me in private in person, saying she saw what I did on Facebook. Yet all I posted was the truth! Of course I do see why this is so, but should I crawl away into a corner and cry on my own, and tell no-one else about what has happened? If I do so, abuse will have won. I may have had a part to play in what happened, though no-one was prepared to meet to discuss the matter so I am still not sure exactly what their reasoning was, but I am not ashamed of what happened as I was quite prepared to go back to the event and see the people involved and smile and enjoy myself.

Not bringing truth to light is a key reason that abuse continues. Bullying thrives in the dark. Bullies do not expect their targets to tell other people about what has happened to them. And if someone does tell, then they may be threatened in private by the bully, as a form of control. This is akin to the scenario that plays out in child abuse, and it involves different gain of course, but at the heart is control of a target and to keep abuse hidden.

The next time you experience an injustice and are ashamed and want to keep it to yourself, think about who is winning: you or the bully. Change will only happen when good people stand their ground and speak out, or evil will have the upper hand.

Monday 11 February 2013

Out of Sight, Out of Mind? Ignoring a Problem Does Not Solve It.

Imagine I have a small spare room under the home. One takes a few stairs to get there and then one must grasp a heavy door open to see inside. The first thing I notice is the dank smell, tickling nostrils and then the mess becoming clearer as my eyes adjust to the gloom. A light bulb hangs precariously in the middle of the room, from the concrete roof, sending shadows running across the walls when the light is switched on, as the bulb bobs in the draft. The room is filled with papers and rubbish is strewn everywhere. Toys lie askew over the floor  There is hardly space to find a clear path to walk through the mess.  Two small boxes of chocolate milk have fermented and leaked out onto the carpet  A melted boiled sweet has run sticky red delicate fingers into the ripped arm of the sofa. My cat sometimes dashes through to find a mouse, turning in a whirl of excitement, dabbing her paw in the dust, batting cobwebs out the way. I prefer not to look into this messy room.

Now, imagine the room is like the dark spaces of the mind. I know it is there but I ignore it. Yet, there are times when I must go there. I go there when I need to find a file I haven't used for so long, I think it may be lost, like the file with the discrimination complaints, or the one about bullying. Oh, these files never disappear, they are only hidden from view. I can keep the door closed as long as I want to and ignore the messy place, but the files remain. The only way I will lose these files is to throw them away and rewrite them into ways to teach inclusion instead. But, it's easier to ignore the dark places of the mind, isn't it, hoping the files are lost and the room remains closed?

Caring for the Earth

We live in a beautiful world, with an immense variety of trickling streams, flowing rivers, and tumbling waterfalls, stretching canyons and valleys leading to lofty mountains high, wide rushing seas and deep blue lakes. grassy savannahs and everglade forests, red deserts, icy windswept reaches, and lush dense rainforests.

Think of the array of astonishing wildlife animals which can be found in any area of this diverse world, from the tiniest green frog to the largest blue whale.   Imagine the same world without some of the animals you may take for granted, for example, tigers, or elephants, or chimpanzees? It seems impossible that these wonderful wild creatures may no longer grace our planet with their presence someday, yet the reality is that their numbers are diminishing at an alarming rate. There are no more than a few thousand tigers left in the wild! It seems hard to fathom that an animal that has roamed the earth for so long may be wiped out while modern man watches on.

The tiger has no real predators which threaten its existence, besides for humankind. We trap tigers for their pelts and their body parts, which are used in many ways for assumed medicinal uses. The tigers' habitat shrinks yearly and its food sources become scarcer, forcing each individual's huge territorial range to coincide with human habitation. Tigers may therefore also be hunted and killed if they threaten livestock in villages. The loser of course is the tiger. Numbers dwindle year by year.

Now, think of a giant puzzle. Take a piece away. You can still see the puzzle, but it has lost an important part, even if it may be only a very tiny part. Think of all the pieces that have gone missing from the earth's puzzle, never to be found again. Sad, isn't it?

If we all do our part by refusing to use scarce resources and by contributing some of what we have to putting things right, maybe we can make a difference. It starts with me and you.

Wednesday 6 February 2013

The Clean Slate Phenomenon

A fictional story: I hear a voice above my head squealing in excitement, I have the most fabulous idea for a new charity! I glance up into the eager smiling face of Abbey, the sun glinting off her shiny, short brown hair, and I screw up my eyes against the white, harsh sun rays to see more clearly. She looks like she has found the pot of gold on the end of the rainbow, I muse, and actually, I think dryly, she may lift off the ground.

Do I have to get up? I groan. I'm feeling lower than the ocean floor, as if the weight of the sea is crushing me. What's it with me today, and with all these strange metaphors, I wonder. I pick myself off the dusty ground and brush a few stray fragments from my faded blue jeans.

You know how you have always wanted to help that amazing charity cause we spoke about during the holidays? Yes, I say carefully. Well, with this idea, we could do something brand new very quickly! I glance at her computer screen, where she has laid out a few ideas in a well put-together presentation. I see charts with wonderful bright images and impressive numbers fly past, as Abbey says, look here, and look here! And this is the real clincher which I thought of this morning!

Wow, Abbey, I say, perking up a bit. Have you shown this to Joe? He has done a lot of ground work in putting the same type of information together. He's been working on it for years in fact and the two of you would make a great team. I could add some of my own ideas too! I am starting to feel excited that we may finally get some real traction and move forward with fundraising.

Sunday 3 February 2013

Why Do I Say All Religions Don't Lead to the Same God

Have you heard the following argument? All religions lead to God, meaning if different people worship God, yet have different religious beliefs or faiths, aren't they all worshipping the same God? How can someone say he or she believes in the one true God, God who created the heavens and the earth, and everyone else who believes in a different version of God is wrong? Isn't it better to say, I may be right and you may be right too and no-one really knows for sure?

Firstly, it is a matter of faith. As a Christian, I believe in God, and I love the God whom I believe in. I don't hold doubts that I follow the one true God. I may sometimes hold doubts about whether or not God really exists, which wobbles my faith, but my doubts are extinguished as I grow in faith and walk closer with God. If I didn't truly believe from my heart that God as I know him is the way to eternal life, I wouldn't be a Christian.

Saturday 2 February 2013

Good and Bad a Battle in Flux

People present a complex array of behaviour. I see patterns of behaviour repeating all around and I am continually surprised by much behaviour I see.

There are individuals who leave all their earthly possessions behind and trek off into the middle of an obscure location to follow a dream. This may be to research wildlife, or to help out on a conservation project, or to help build a water well, or spread the message of the gospel, or help with medical needs. People may work tirelessly and selflessly in communities with which they identify, sometimes with communities very different to their own. Communities will contain humanitarians and firemen and policemen and doctors and nurses, all caring, helper roles. People may give selflessly of their time or money to help make the world a better place.

On the other hand, there are people who have only self interest at heart. They may accumulate wealth at the expense of other people, for example, a con artist who robs a pensioner of a life's savings, not caring that the pensioner may be left destitute. Con artists may laugh and say the person deserved to be outwitted, because he or she didn't see it coming. Some people gloat at the stupidity of other people, or tease others, or play pranks on them, or abuse and bully other people. Some people murder and hate and discriminate, whilst others are innocent and loving and compassionate. Most often there are people who present a mix of very varied behaviour, from the good right through to the bad, like most of us.

We all have faults and failings and good points. A murderer may truly have loved the victim, in a very warped way, or may go home to his or her children and be a doting parent. I have come to realise every single person is unique and have learnt not to generalise and not to cloud my viewpoint of an individual based on past experiences with what may seem to be a similar type of person or group of people.

A wide spectrum of behaviour presents in this continuum of human life, good and bad a battle in flux.

Blackmail Involves Secrets and Threats

If you don't do exactly as I tell you, I am going to kill you. Jake stared horrified at the drug dealer sitting next to him, cringing away from the man's foul breath and bloodshot eyes. He was trapped, like a rabbit jumping on the end of a wire snare, which cut deeper each time it tried another frantic lunge for escape. The man beckoned a dirty, crooked finger outside the car window at his mate, who came running, slipping open the passenger door where Jake cowered, and bent awkwardly over to untie Jake's shackled hands. The drug dealer leaned closer, stroking Jake's cheek with the sharp edge of a flick knife, drawing a tiny bead of glistening blood. He whispered in a low tone scarl, you have three days to bring me the goods, or you die. Jake had heard these words before, but this time he believed the threat. Jake shuddered, and his breath sang sharply as he gasped for air in the sudden frigid air, but before he could speak, the man shushed him with a finger to his lips, and then shoved Jake roughly, and said, go! Jake scrambled out the car, and then was running, running, scrambling away from this nightmare and his demons, but they followed him into the black dark of night. He was indeed the rabbit caught in an ever tightening trap.

When Bystanders Look On

In writing about both bullying and genocide, I have noticed a pattern emerging and I see these as very similar behaviours, though bullying happens on a personal level, usually towards a specific individual, whereas genocide usually happens at a national level towards a specific target group of people, often organised by the ruling government of the time. I have also written about how similar workplace bullying is to cycles seen in domestic violence, so in the framework I mention below, much could be applied to domestic violence too, and bullying is a form of abuse.

Bullying is wrong but is easier for me to comprehend how this happens as compared to genocide. It astounds me that genocide is usually perpetrated by the leaders of a country, leaders who are meant to protect everyone and to have the interests of all citizens at heart.

What dynamics do these behaviours have in common? I thought they usually involve the following:
  • A victim: the victim is the target of the abuse. Something about the victim makes the individual or the group a target, and this may be due to an unconscious reason, for example, perhaps the victim reminds the bully about someone from his or her past, or the bully holds a specific discrimination mindset. Related to this, have you noticed how people are quick to take advantage of perceived weakness in someone else, for example, if someone is sensitive about rejection, the person may often get rejected? This is an unconscious behaviour pattern at work, almost a spiritual level dynamic, as if a cruelty streak were hardwired in.
  • An abuser: this is the bully, who may be an individual or who may be a group of people, as in the case of genocide. Something about the target stands out for the bully, enough to make the bully want to domineer and control the target, or exact vengeance. I sometimes wonder if a bully knows that he or she is perceived as the bully and might instead say he or she is acting in self defence. I believe a bully may feel quite justified in the behaviour he or she displays towards a target. For example, the manager who never invites a staff member to attend meetings may feel the staff member will disrupt the meetings and is doing it for the person's own good as well as the good of the department.
  • The situation: This is the abusive situation victims find themselves in, often a very precarious position for the victim to be in. Victims usually suffer torment, which is a form of psychological torture. Often they may question what is actually happening as a victim may suspect he or she is a target of bullying or discrimination, but it is often very difficult to prove this and to conclusively show and name the behaviour. The victim may not even know who the bully is, for example, in a case where malicious gossip is being spread. Usually people approached for help do not believe the allegations. Victims are often told to keep a record of bullying behaviour, as bullying is often seen by the ongoing pattern that occurs. How does one prove that a nation is in the early stages of genocide when the only evidence is seemingly random murders, mayhap statistically leaning towards a certain sector of the population?
  • A motive: at the heart of any bullying situation, including the extreme form leading towards genocide, is the need to assert power over a victim, perhaps to get a kick out of seeing the victim conflicted at why he or she is being treated badly, and often an unconscious agenda driving the bully's fear and hatred of the target, which may sometimes even be because the bully feels threatened by a victim's competence. I see at least two possible motives for bullying to occur, one being a malicious intent to exert control and to play a cat and mouse type game, and another where the motive is purer, and where the bully is acting almost in self defence. In this case, the bully may see the target as being someone to be careful of and may see the target as being the real bully. This of course could be defense mechanisms at work on the part of both parties, perhaps stemming from a misunderstanding of heart. If we know someone has at heart a good motive, most behaviour from that person which seems to be bullying behaviour or deviant behaviour can instead be seen as misplaced defensive behaviour. A simple example may be a huge dog who snaps at anyone who comes close, yet the dog is remembering many unjust beatings earned over a lifetime of pain and trusts no-one.
  • A differential power base: often a bully has more power than the victim, be this authority the bully has over the victim, like a manager in an office environment, or leaders in government, in the case of the planned genocide of a section of the civilian population. Targets fear once a bullying situation is known, for their jobs, for their safety, for their sanity. If a person discovers that a superior person, someone in authority, does not have the target's best interests at heart, the target is justly worried about the consequences of having an ongoing relationship with the superior. Outsiders usually trust the opinion of the superior, who is seen as the expert, and the superior holds enormous differential power.
  • The victim may appear to be the bully: where a skewed picture is being painted of a  victim, the victim often has some form of behaviour which could be said to lend truth to any allegations to onlookers. Bullies may play their victims quietly and manipulatively and engineer situations so that the victim appears to be the one at fault, for example, a victim might be a person who is touchy about certain subjects, and who gets righteously angry when these are mentioned in meetings. A victim may voice harsh anger and criticism towards an unjust situation instead of keeping quiet, though may not realise the full picture himself or herself. If you are told someone is sly and untrustworthy, for example, as in the case of stereotypes, you may avoid the person and not trust a word he or she says, and the victim may begin to act in an untrustworthy manner as he or she becomes defensive, and anything the victim then does may lend credibility to the allegation, and this is the unfortunate consequence of labels, which become a self fullfilling prophecy. The best strategy for a victim to take is to remain calm and to act at all times with integrity, or the bully's lies may unfortunately be believed.
  • Victims may be blamed: victims may be blamed as the ones who are to blame for the abuse they receive, be this due to their character, or behaviour, or some other quality they possess. Bullies are often very charismatic people, who others like, and it is hard to believe the bully is the one at fault. Perhaps we also cannot believe someone would vindictively hurt another without having a justifiable reason for doing so.
  • Mobbing behaviour: unfortunately, bullies usually enlist help or get help from others. If someone in authority treats someone else badly, unfortunately the authority figure's example may be followed. Think of the extreme example of genocide, where many people in a nation will carry out mass murders, as happened during the Jewish Holocaust, from the military through to civilians, all joining in to eradicate marked targets who are seen as a threat.
  • Bystanders who turn a blind eye: in situations of bullying and genocide, many will not take part in the abuse themselves, but will also not help the targets any way. Bystanders will see what is happening, yet will ignore the situation either consciously or unconsciously. If you help a target, this may make you a target too, but if everyone looks the other way, evil will flourish.
  • Lack of protection: bullying is done in secret and is very difficult to prove, and, even if a protective framework exists, victims may be reluctant to press charges, as they might not be believed and the situation may intensify thereafter.
  • Escalating levels of abuse:if a bully targets a victim and if nothing happens to the bully, the bully will abuse again. As time goes on, the bully also needs to escalate the abuse to continue to obtain satisfaction, as he or she may become bored with the same routine. There is a great deal of emotion wrapped up in a bullying situation, especially if a bully hates the target, and the bully may try harder and harder to put one over the target, especially when trying to eradicate the target (see point below). This may be the bully's downfall, as the bully has to remember a complex set of behaviour patterns and perhaps lies told about the victim. A bully may target victims for years without being caught out, but someday, hopefully, the bully's ways will come to light, though many victims may fall by the wayside during this time.
  • Eradication: the target will be eliminated when the target is a real threat to the bully, for example, a bully will move to more heavily discredit the victim if there is the possible  threat of the bully's tactics being found out, or in the case of the mass murders that occur in genocide, perhaps this happens when there is a threat, perceived or real, that the targets will start to hold the upper hand. Once the target is eliminated, the bully will usually move on to the next target and so the cycle of abuse begins anew.

"Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:13 KJV